


Say You Love Me Too

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-05
Updated: 2007-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:55:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 63,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: When the aftermath of an attack threatens their life together, Jed must fight for Abbey's love





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Amanda for her help regarding dissociative disorders. Some chapters may include some violent content. Those chapters are marked accordingly.  


* * *

Jed Bartlet was a man of many answers. His natural wit and intelligence predisposed him to a life of insatiable curiosity, only slightly satisfied by answers to minute trivia questions and historical facts others rarely found interesting. 

He could add some flare to a dull dinner party by enlightening everyone about the history of the word "toast." Traditionally, he would share the history of yams at Thanksgiving and the history of pumpkins at Halloween. Hell, even when it was time to get all dolled up for a cocktail party, he couldn't help but share the history of the tuxedo with his adoring wife, who sat silently and listened with attentive ears each and every time. 

He wondered if she was sitting there playing a couple of scenes from "Grease" in her mind while she pretended to be interested. But she wasn't. If her thoughts wandered, it was only to ask herself how such a smart, domineering Renaissance man could be wrapped up in a package as good-looking as him. 

As far as she was concerned, he knew everything.

But tonight, he was at a loss. Tonight, he didn't have all the answers. In fact, he had none. On this night, Jed Bartlet was the one full of questions and the reasonable, logical brain of his couldn't conjure up satisfactory answers.

In hopes of finding a clue, his mind raced with memories of the past 24 hours. He recalled every spoken word. Perhaps there was something he hadn't thought of before. He remembered every look. Perhaps there was a stare he hadn't had time to analyze. Something. Anything. He wanted desperately to fit the pieces of the puzzle and find the answers that eluded him.

The night before, he and Abbey were both safe, nestled in each other's arms. After finally succumbing to three weeks of temptation, their lovemaking broke every boundary that had previously been set. Their eager bodies joined together in hot, steamy passion over and over again, reluctantly coming apart only when unmanageable exhaustion set in.

If only he had stayed in bed afterwards. If only he held her until she fell asleep. She always felt safer when he did that. And that's why he usually did it.

But that night, he didn't. Instead, he slipped out from under the warm covers and toddled to his desk in the corner of the small den he used as an office.

She begged him to stay, to turn in early and sleep with their bodies entangled until morning. But he insisted he had papers to grade and no amount of cajoling on her part would change his mind. It was well after 2 a.m. when she found him slumped over the mahogany wood, pen in hand. 

"Jed," she called to him in a soft whisper. 

He stirred slightly, confused by what was happening. "Mmm?" 

"Wake up, Honey. Come to bed."

She supported him with her arms and practically lifted him out of his chair. Sleepy and sluggish, he allowed her to lead him into their bedroom and cooperated fully as she tucked him under the sheets before getting comfortable herself. 

The sun barely peeked through the blinds when he awoke to the sound of sizzling bacon strips. His senses a little more alert, he could smell the homecooked breakfast Abbey was preparing in the kitchen. Moments later, while he was stretching the tension from his body, she surprised him with a bedroom tray stacked with eggs, bacon, toast, juice, and coffee. The Devil's food she called it. But if that's what he enjoyed having for breakfast, so be it. 

She set the tray in front of him and brushed aside the small strand of hair that sometimes covered his forehead. 

If only he had pulled her down beside him to hold her once more. But he didn't.

"Bacon?" he asked instead. "You never let me have bacon."

"I felt particularly sweet today."

"You smell particularly sweet today." Even after 12 years of wedded bliss, he enjoyed the flirting. "When will you be home?"

"7:30ish."

"I have a late meeting tonight, so I won't be home until after 9."

"That's okay. I have a date to play Candyland with Ellie anyway," she replied as she clipped her hair on top of her head and grabbed a light jacket. 

"Get her ready. I'm playing with her tomorrow."

"Not to worry. She'll be all warmed up and ready to beat the pants off you." Raising his competitive hackles was always a fun move. She just wished she'd be there to see the fallout. "The girls should be up soon. Breakfast is on the stove. You may want to heat up the eggs a little." She bent forward to drop a kiss to his face, then gently wiped her lipstick before heading towards the door.

"Abbey?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." And with a smile, she closed the bedroom door and left.

If only he had stopped her. If only he had come up with an excuse to force her to take the day off. If only he could have gone with her to work. 

Questions weren't the only things dominating his mind tonight. Regrets took up most of the room.

He returned from work around 9:30 and was surprised to see Paige's car parked in the driveway. That should have been his first sign that something had happened, that something was amiss, that something was terribly wrong. Always the optimist, he called the hospital, expecting yet another excuse from his wife about the unexpected duties of a doctor.

Right now, he would have given anything to hear the excuse, to just hear her voice, regardless of what she said. 

But when he called, he was told Abbey had left at seven, just as she was supposed to.

"Could you stay with the kids a little while longer?" he asked Paige. "I'm going to drive to the hospital."

"Of course. You don't think there's anything wrong?"

"No, I'm sure she's fine. She's probably just having car trouble. I just don't want her on the side of the road somewhere."

Was that an explanation for Paige's benefit, or his own, he wondered. He was fighting a feeling of uneasiness, brought on by anxiety. Something didn't feel right and if it didn't feel right, chances were it wasn't right. He and Abbey were connected in every way possible. Most of the time, they knew when the other was upset, if the other was sick or in danger. They just knew. It was like lovers ESP, they used to joke. 

He could feel his nerves in the pit of his stomach. He held his breath as he pulled into the parking lot of the hospital and saw her car parked just a few feet away from the staff entrance. His eyes drawn to the shiny object on the ground, he rose to his feet and stared down at it, eventually kneeling to pick it up. It was her keyring. Abandoned and just a little bent, the golden loop held three keys along with a picture Lizzie and Ellie. 

Abbey never would have dropped it, unless she had to. 

There were visible scratches on the frame of her car, probably caused by one of her keys. They were zigzagged across the front door and even the hood. Unlikely that it could have happened unless she was struggling or fighting with someone, he deduced.

The brown clip she used to hold her hair had been broken. The spring and a few of the teeth were scattered on the pavement, a few locks of auburn tresses with them. He picked them up loosely and stretched them over his open palm. It was Abbey's hair. It was Abbey's clip and Abbey's car and Abbey's keyring. But there was no Abbey.

He ran through the double doors, interrupting the first nurse he saw. "My wife, Dr. Bartlet. Have you seen her?"

His frantic calls for help frightened the staff and within a few seconds, many other nurses gathered around. "Dr. Bartlet left a few hours ago. Is something wrong?"

"Yes, something's wrong! She never came home! I found these in the parking lot." He opened his hand and allowed the contents to fall onto the counter. "I don't know where she is."

The nursing supervisor and another resident, a friend of Abbey's, called the police. It took only minutes for two officers to arrive. They scoured the parking lot as another detective escorted a protesting Jed back home.

And that's where he was now. That's where he was forced to sit and wait. Abbey was out there somewhere in the world and he was safe and sound in the confines of their house. It wasn't fair. He wanted to let the police do their job without interference, but it just wasn't fair.

His eyes fixated on the small hand of the clock, he held his daughters tight in his arms, Lizzie to his right, and Ellie a little closer on his left. Dressed in their pajamas and ready for bed, the girls refused to be alone until their mother was home.

And so they waited. It was 4 a.m. and all they could do was wait.

Suddenly, a knock on the door presented some hope, just a tiny bit of the relief that he had been longing for. He sprang to his feet and ran to open it, immediately disappointed and sinking into an even deeper level of sadness. 

"Where is she?" Mary asked curtly.

"Hi. I don't know where she is. How did you know?" 

"No thanks to you!" James snapped. 

"James, stop it. Elizabeth called."

All eyes turned to Lizzie. She shrugged her shoulders and donned the same sad expression as her father. "I'm sorry. I was just scared."

"It's okay, Sweetheart. You did the right thing," Jed assured her.

"Why didn't YOU call us?" James asked him.

Mary greeted both girls with a kiss, then turned a disgusted look towards her husband. "That doesn't matter right now. What's going on? Why aren't we all out there looking for her?"

"The police wanted me out of the way at the hospital. They wanted to ask me some questions and they wanted to do it here. They asked me to stay home with the girls until we hear from them." He approached his father-in-law, cautiously taking small steps towards the angry man. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't call you. We didn't know anything and I've barely had time to process this myself. I didn't want to worry you."

"We live two hours away, Jed. When something like this happens, you call."

The conversation came to a halt as Ellie and Jed raced towards the ringing phone. Ellie won.

"Mommy? Mommy?" 

Her cheery voice brought tears to everyone's eyes, including Lizzie's. The four-year-old didn't understand much about what was going on, but she knew one thing. She wanted her mother.

"She's been doing that all night," Jed began, his voice catching in his throat. "Every time it rings..." It broke his heart to hear her soft cries as he removed the receiver from her tiny fingers and held her in his arms. "Hello?"

Everyone waited with bated breath hoping this was the call that would change the course of the evening. They realized it wasn't Abbey from Ellie's disappointed sobs, but hope was not lost. Not yet.

"What's happening?" James asked before Jed could hang up phone.

"They're sending another officer here to the house. They haven't found her."

Meanwhile, down a dark, deserted road only a block from the hospital, Abbey wobbled alongside the curb. She headed towards the lit building as if it was her guide out of the hell she had experienced. Her clothes were torn and her bra had been sliced, but she was still wearing her underwear and even in her bewildered state of mind, she knew that was a good sign. 

She staggered through the double doors, drawing stares from others. Her hair was tousled and frizzy, her hands and clothes soaked with blood, most of it not her own. 

"Dr. Bartlet?" one of the nurses called, shocked by the woman's appearance. "Dr. Bartlet?"

Confused and dazed, Abbey's knees suddenly gave out, causing her to crash to the ground.

TBC


	2. Say You Love Me Too

If you asked anyone to describe Abigail Barrington, most would say she was a pretty remarkable young woman, full of ambition and promise. She wasn't the type to ask for help. She was usually the one administering it. 

There seemed to be little that frightened her. In fact, when she and her sister Katherine were growing up, it was Abbey who made all of Kate's nightmares go away. Many nights, she'd hear her baby sister's small footsteps nearing her room. She'd help the youngster climb into bed with her, then sing her back to sleep. 

The great thing about nightmares, she'd tell the little girl, is that you wake up from the evil spirits that hold your dreams hostage. You wake up and realize that the horrific images and scenarios your mind fooled you into trusting weren't really there at all. It was all a facade, most of the time forgotten or cast aside almost immediately because of the wonderful mechanism of the brain that's designed to protect us from inconceivable trauma.

The analytical voice inside Abbey's head had always reminded her that nightmares were nothing to fear. But in doing so, it left her completely unprepared for this. The terrifying aspect of a true nightmare is that you may very well be awake. It may not be a betrayal of your psyche. It may not be just a dirty trick. Some nightmares are real. They're unstoppable and boundless. Those are the most frightening.

As she was being wheeled on a gurney, passing onlookers at warp speed, that's where Abbey's thoughts had finally settled. This was a nightmare.

"Abbey?" Dr. Robert Nolan called out to his friend. "Abbey, look at me!" Confused, she turned her eyes towards the shouting man. "Do you know what day it is?"

"What? Tuesday. It's Tuesday."

It was early Friday morning. Her breathing was getting progressively weaker. Her skin was cold and clammy. Her eyes kept closing repeatedly as if she was ready to drift off into a dangerously unconscious slumber.

"She's in shock!"

And while medical personnel worked on the doctor, wife, and mother, her husband, children, and parents waited at home.

It had been only minutes since Jed delivered the news that another officer was headed to the house. But before his arrival, another ring of the phone gave everyone the relief they had sought all night. They had found her. Abbey had been found and while she wasn't exactly sound, at least now, she was safe. 

Jed and James rushed to the hospital while Mary stayed with her granddaughters. It was a tense car ride for the two men, one marred by the memory of the terse words exchanged earlier. 

"Jed, I'd like to offer you an apology." 

Jed removed his eyes from the road for a brief second to catch a glimpse of his father-in-law. "Forget it."

"No. I shouldn't have jumped down your throat. It's just...she's my daughter, you know...my baby girl."

"I know," he replied with a sincere smile that curved his lips just enough for James to see.

Abbey may have been all grown up, but to her father, she was still the young child with auburn pigtails and emerald eyes. And Jed understood. It was how he'd always view Lizzie and Ellie, no matter how old they were. A father's love had limitless capacity. So did a husband's, at least in this case. 

Adrenaline pumping through his body, he rushed into the hospital ahead of James. Frantically, he sprinted towards the nurse's station, his anticipation growing by the second. But it was Robert Nolan who pulled Jed aside. It was Robert who had to deliver the bad news.

Abbey was hurt and unconscious. They didn't know how deep her injuries were. Not yet.

"There are two doctors in with her now. You can see her after they are finished examining her."

"Fine. I'll wait. But tell me how she is. What happened?"

"I don't know what happened. All I can tell you is that she walked inside and collapsed on the ground without a single word. Her face was bleeding slightly. She didn't seem to have any major external injuries, except...well, her hands. They've been cut and I don't think it's all superficial."

Jed wasn't fazed by the news. "Okay, we can deal with that. We'll get the best hand experts in the country here right now. What are they called? What do you call them?"

"I don't give a damn about her hands," James blurted out without thinking about the consequences of such a significant injury. "She's alive. That's all that matters."

"That is not all that matters!" Jed turned on him with an unintentional sigh of impatience. "I'm about ready to fall to my knees and thank the good Lord for her safety, but if she's hurt her hands that will destroy her."

"She certainly won't be able to operate and at this point in her residency, it could cause major problems," Robert added.

"I don't care about the academic problems. Being a surgeon is such a huge part of her life. If she loses that...I care about what it will do to her, to her frame of mind, to her confidence. We have to fix her hands, Robert."

"One step at a time, Jed."

Another helpless moment. There seemed to be a lot of them on this night. 

Jed took his seat in the waiting room. But just as quickly as he sat down, he sprang to his feet again, his anxiety growing with every passing second. "I have to do something," he kept mumbling.

"There's nothing we can do until they let us see her."

"Mr. Bartlet?" Officer Pat Lindy called. "There is one thing you can do. You can answer some questions for us, help us piece together the events that led your wife here."

Well, that was an option. Other than seeing Abbey, Jed's next priority was to find out exactly what happened. Who was responsible for this? Who tried to hurt Abbey? 

He looked to James before responding to the officer.

"Go ahead. I'll come get you when the doctors are finished."

With a nod, Jed followed Lindy into an adjacent lounge.

"I don't know what you want to know that I haven't told you people already," he began as he paced back and forth.

"There are a lot of things. For instance, when was the last time you spoke to your wife?"

"I've already answered that. It was this morning. Or yesterday morning. Whatever. Before she left for work on Thursday morning."

"And then you went to work?"

"Look, this is just a waste of time. I've already gone through this."

Realizing he was agitated, Lindy began the real questioning. "Do you and your wife have a happy marriage?"

"Already asked and answered. I understood the relevance of that particular question when Abbey was missing, but now she's been found. We know she didn't run away, so what's the point?" Jed noticed the officer's avoidance. "Unless...you know she didn't run away. There was a struggle in the parking lot. You never suspected she took off on her own. You think I did this? You think I'm the one who..." Disgusted by the thought, he couldn't even finish the sentence. "Are you out of your mind?"

"I never said you did it. But someone did attack your wife and in order for us to find that person, we have to start eliminating others."

He took in an exasperated gasp, as if stung by the implication, then pulled up a chair. "Abbey and I have a very happy marriage. And just for the record, I have never gotten physical with her. EVER. I would never do that." He paused momentarily, allowing his words to sink in. "I haven't talked to her since Thursday morning. I went to work, then I went to a meeting with about 17 colleagues who can all verify my presence."

And so began an hour of torturous recounts and memories of the day before. The police didn't really suspect Jed. Because of his earlier interview, they had already confirmed his story. This line of questioning didn't turn up any new information, nothing that had been forgotten, nothing that had been left out. 

But at least it kept his mind occupied, which to some extent, was a blessing. 

By the time James ran into the lounge with the news that Abbey was awake and ready for visitors, Jed had nearly collapsed from exhaustion and worry. The invitation to see his wife reinvigorated him, energized him unexpectedly.

What he really wanted to do was approach Abbey with a barrage of questions. But he wouldn't allow himself to do that. Not now. Right now, his only concern was that she was comfortable and out of any pain she may have experienced.

What he didn't know is that there was still one more surprise waiting for him. 

As they entered her room, they witnessed the two doctors still there, one jotting down notes on his clipboard as another called for a nurse. Robert stood at the door as if waiting for someone else to arrive.

"Daddy!" Abbey greeted her father as their eyes met.

"Hi, Sweetheart."

Jed wanted to take a hold of his wife's hand, but was immediately discouraged by the bandages wrapped around it. Instead, he moved closer to her bed and looked at her adoringly. "Honey, how do you feel?"

Abbey turned from him, a fearful tear falling down her cheek. 

"Mr. Bartlet..." one of the doctors began.

"Jed..." Robert tried to interject.

Jed tuned them out. "Abbey? Honey, what is it?" With no answer, he gently grabbed her arm to force her to face him. "Abbey?"

"Stop it!" she screamed as she jerked from his grasp.

"Mr. Bartlet!" The doctor was more forceful this time. 

"What's happening?" James asked as he approached his daughter from the other side of her bed.

"Jed, I need to talk to you outside." Robert replied.

"Not until I find out what's wrong. Abbey?"

"Jed, NOW!"

Jed ignored his plea and ran his hand over the back of Abbey's head, causing her to snap back at him. "PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP!" she screamed.

"Why is she acting like this?"

"You're scaring her, Jed!"

"I'm scaring her? That's ridiculous! Abbey, what's going on? Damn it, Abbey, talk to me!" he snapped out of sheer frustration.

"JED!" Robert shouted back at him. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

"SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOU!" Robert took a few breaths to calm himself down before continuing. "She doesn't remember...she doesn't know who you are."

Jed stepped back, stunned by Robert's words. Abbey doesn't know him. That's what he said. She doesn't remember him. She remembered her father. How could she not remember her husband, he wondered. 

Nightmares. 

It may be true that the mind can protect you from inconceivable trauma, but it can also create a barrier so great that it protects you from those whom you don't need protection.

 

TBC


	3. Say You Love Me Too

"She doesn't know who you are."

Robert's words replayed themselves endlessly in Jed's mind. Those six words. Those words that toppled his entire world, that made him yearn for another day of ignorance, another day of avoidance, another day of peace with Abbey in his arms. 

How could she not remember him? How could she not know him? The man she married, the man she's loved for all these years, the man whom she pledged to love forever was now a complete stranger to her. It was as if he never even existed, as if they had never existed.

"Jed." Robert was persistent in getting his attention. "Jed!" 

"What?" 

"Did you hear any of what I said?"

It had been nearly 24 hours since he had kissed Abbey goodbye and watched her leave for work. A whole day of sheer hell that all boiled down to this. He stood outside his wife's room, trying to fight the unimaginable thoughts that plagued him. 

"I heard some of it."

"You need to listen to all of it. You need to understand."

"I don't understand," he quickly interrupted as he circled around Robert. "I don't understand any of this. What the hell happened to her tonight?"

"We don't know for sure. She came in here covered in blood. A lot of it wasn't hers."

"What do you mean it wasn't hers? It belonged to whoever did this?"

"Yes. She put up quite a fight. Her face was bruised, as you saw, and her hands were cut up pretty badly, but judging from the blood on her clothes, there's someone else out there hurt just as bad or worse."

At least that was something. Abbey had left her mark on whomever it was who attacked her, and with it, she left some clues to lead investigators to him. 

"Was she raped?" He dreaded asking that question. He dreaded the answer even more. "You have to tell me. Please. Was my wife raped?"

"I'm not the one who examined her, Jed." That wasn't exactly the reply Jed was hoping for. It wasn't the reply Robert wanted to give. "I will tell you that based on what Dr. Norton told me, I don't think she was raped."

Her bra had been slit and cut from her body, her thighs were colored with bruises, and a single tear separated the elastic on her underwear. But she battled her attacker. She struggled with every fiber of her being. She had won.

"Did he use a knife to cut her hands?" 

"Yes. She could have easily been stabbed. From the looks of it, she protected herself with her hands. Probably used them to shield her face and her chest."

Jed pointed his chin in acknowledgment. No one had to tell him that Abbey was a fighter. She was a strong and determined woman. Despite her petite frame and inferior physical strength, she wasn't one to cower to intimidation or violence.

But there was yet another problem, one that her feisty personality couldn't prevent. "What about her memory?"

"I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to warn you about that. We only found out about a minute before you entered the room. The good news there is no brain damage."

"But she doesn't remember anything?"

"There's something called hysterical amnesia. It's usually temporary..."

Jed tuned out Robert's voice in favor of reminding himself what he knew about the condition. Abbey had studied it during her psychiatric rotation in med school. And when Abbey studied, so did he. He recalled the night he quizzed her about this particular disorder. He would never forget the horror of learning that in one instant the brain could steal entire periods of a person's life when trying to protect its host from trauma the mind isn't ready to handle. 

This wasn't the result of a bump on the head. This was the result of being scared to death, almost literally.

"...In Abbey's case," Robert continued, "she woke up thinking it was May 1965. She doesn't remember you, she doesn't know she has children, she didn't even realize she's a doctor."

"Did you tell her? Did you tell her it's 1979?"

"Yes. But she's quite upset, as you can imagine. This all just happened in the last few minutes. She hasn't had time. And I think your presence only frightened her."

Jed's body slumped forward for a second, his stomach constricting at the thought. "What can we do about this?"

"I called Dr. Susan Hunter. She's a psychiatrist here at the hospital. She knows Abbey pretty well, though Abbey won't remember her. I think she can help or at least offer some guidance."

"May I go back in to see her?"

"You can go in, but I think you need to let me introduce you to Abbey. This is pretty hard on her, Jed. It's beyond scary."

He recognized that. More than anything in the world, he wanted to eliminate Abbey's fears. He wanted to take her in his arms and convince her she was safe, convince her he would never let her go, ever again. He would give anything to erase the trauma she endured, trauma so severe that it caused her brain to shut down and rid itself of fourteen years worth of memories.

With his head held low, he entered her room quietly. "Hi." 

Her trepidation immediately gave him pause, paralyzing him to the corner of the room. He waited for Robert to make the next move.

"Abbey, this is Jed Bartlet."

She looked to her father for validation. James nodded before Abbey answered. "Hi."

"I didn't mean to scare you earlier. I didn't know," Jed replied.

"I know." She flashed a small smile. It was forced and contrite, but it was a smile. "My dad explained."

"I know you don't remember me, but we..."

"I know." It was unclear to him if she really knew or if she stopped him before he could tell her they were married. Her comfort level deteriorating rapidly, she turned her attention to her doctors. "When can I go home?"

Jed cautiously followed her eyes. "Yeah. When can I take her home?"

"No!" Abbey protested a lot stronger than she intended. With everyone staring at her, she, once again, looked to her father. "Can I go home with you? Please?"

James exchanged a painful glance with his son-in-law. He would be hurt and upset, but Abbey had to come first. "Of course you can."

"Wait!" Desperate, Jed sat at the edge of her bed to face her directly. "Abbey, I'd like you to come home with me." 

It was more of a plea than a statement. His voice held the bit of hopelessness he could no longer mask.

"Jed, don't push her," Robert intervened. 

"Stay out of this," Jed shot back, now angry that he had lost control of the situation. "Honey, I can take care of you at our house. It's a beautiful house. We bought it together. You love it there."

Abbey could see the pain in his eyes, those blue, unfamiliar eyes. "I really just want to go home with my father."

Jed swallowed hard in an effort to retain a stoic attitude and hide the sharp pain he was feeling. It was a pain like no other. It pricked at him with such force that, for a second, he swore he was having a heart attack. But his heart wasn't suffering from a lack of blood. It was simply broken in two.

"Okay, Sweetie," James replied. "You'll go home with me."

Noticing he was on the verge of a breakdown, Robert led Jed out of the room. It was the uncertainty that was harder than anything else. He may have heard of hysterical amnesia, but his lack of medical training certainly left him unprepared to deal with it.

"You have to take it easy with her," Robert began as gently as possible. "She's confused."

"You said this was temporary. How long does it usually last?"

"You'll have to ask Susan when she gets here. I'm not an expert on dissociative disorders. From what I understand, some patients recover completely in a couple of hours."

"And others?"

Robert let out a small breath in response. It was the only answer Jed needed to confirm his worst fears. 

"I know it's frustrating, but Abbey's in a fragile place right now. You need to give her time. She'll stay in the hospital for the rest of today, possibly tomorrow. We'll reassess her condition then. And if she's more comfortable with her parents, then you have to let them take her home."

"Fine. You have all the answers. Fine. Then tell me how I'm supposed to go home and tell my two little girls that their mother isn't coming home? How do I explain to them that their mother doesn't even know who they are? Can you tell me that, Doc?"

 

TBC


	4. Say You Love Me Too

Jed glanced at his clock the second he walked through the front door. It was nearly 11 a.m. and the whirlwind of emotions that left him drained and exhausted were now coming to a slow and steady collision with the facts of the situation. It was a reality he had to face. One he had to help his daughters face. 

That was going to be the hard part. 

First he checked on Ellie. His heart nearly failed him when he realized she wasn't in her bed. He rushed to Liz's room and was immediately swept up in an overwhelming sea of relief. Ellie had crawled into bed with Lizzie and as usual, Lizzie had been accommodating. She was like Abbey in that regard. Always the big sister. 

He hoped they were both sleeping peacefully, completely oblivious to the nightmare they'd learn about when they woke up. With a feather-light touch of his finger, he brushed a strand of Ellie's strawberry blond hair off to the side of her forehead and kneeled slightly to drop a delicate kiss. It was only then that he allowed a few tears to make their way silently down his cheeks. 

He traipsed quietly to the other side of the bed, but just as he bent down to give Liz a kiss, her eyes sprang open. 

"What are you doing up?" he whispered as he quickly dried his eyes.

"I wanted Grandma to think I went to sleep. But I wanted to wait for you. Where's Mom?"

"She's still at the hospital. You were up all night. You should sleep. We'll talk later."

"No. I wanna talk now." She looked at him with furrowed brows, a clear sign of her strong-willed personality, and an even clearer sign of her sadness. "Please."

With his index finger pressed against his lips, he took her hand and led her out of the room. "I don't want to wake your sister." 

Lizzie took a seat on the sofa right next to her father. "Is she okay?"

"Your mom is going to be okay, yes. But something happened. For starters, she hurt her hands. She may have to have surgery." Seeing her frightened expression, he patted her shoulder for reassurance. "It's minor surgery, Sweetheart. She may not even need it. It all depends on the physical therapy."

"What happened?"

"We're not sure."

The conversation was abruptly interrupted by the sharp cries coming from her room.

"Lizzie!" Ellie's voice was faint, drowned out by obvious tears.

"Hey, Princess," Jed called to her as he walked in. "Lizzie's fine. She's out here with me."

"Daddy!" He lifted her into his arms, allowing her to bury her face in his shoulder as she always did after a nightmare. Her broken sobs becoming softer, she raised her head only slightly. "Where's Mommy?"

"She had a little accident, Sweetie, but she's okay. She's at the hospital and I'm sure she'd love to see you! So how about this afternoon, I take you both down there, okay?"

"Okay."

"Daddy?" He looked back to see Liz still standing in the doorway patiently waiting to finish the conversation he had started moments before. 

With Ellie in his lap, he sat down on the bed and invited Liz to join them. "Because of her accident, your mom is having trouble remembering some things."

"What kinds of things?" Liz asked.

"She doesn't remember much about what happened to her. She doesn't remember a lot about her life."

"She has amnesia?" 

Surprised to hear her say the word, he bit his tongue and sighed. "Yeah."

If only it was as easy with Ellie. "What's that?"

"It's like that story you read. The one about the little girl named Lucy who fell down and hit her head and forgot who she was and so she ends up living with a rabbit in the forest until her friends find her."

What kinds of books were his daughters reading, he wondered. It wasn't exactly like that, but Liz was doing better than he was. At least she found a way to make Ellie understand - almost. 

"Is Mommy going to live in the forest?"

"No, no, she's not. She is going to go home with Grandma and Grandpa for a few days. In fact, if you guys want to, you can go stay with them too. It'll just be for 3 or 4 days, maybe a week."

"Then she'll come home?"

"I hope so."

"What about you?" Jed was pleasantly surprised. That was a question that would usually come from Lizzie, not Ellie.

"Well..." He geared himself up for the lie that was coming. "I'm going to be fine. But I'm going to have to stay here. I have finals to prepare for my students. I'll be really busy this week."

He could fool his younger daughter, but not his older one. She saw through his strong veneer and sensed the pain that was hiding underneath. She had seen it from the start. She had seen him wipe fresh tears from his face when he thought she was sleeping. She had heard the anguish behind his words when he told her Abbey didn't remember her life. She was a smart, precocious girl, willing to let him feign a brave front, but unwilling to be duped by it. 

\- - -

Meanwhile, Abbey sat up in her hospital bed, flipping through pictures of her daughters. Her mother sat next to her, her father in a chair across the room. 

"It's useless!" she cried. She had hoped that pictures would jog her memory. But they didn't. An entire piece of her life was missing and beyond the confusion she felt, was a layer of resentment and anger. 

"It's okay," Mary said calmly. "It'll happen. Just give it some time."

"I just don't understand why I can't remember them."

"Abigail, you heard the doctor. This kind of thing isn't that uncommon. Most people get their memory back in a few hours or a couple of days."

"Not most, Dad. Some. Many people still don't have their memory back in a year."

"You're not going to be one of those people." His determination didn't even give her pause. 

Overwrought with sensitivity, she dropped the subject. "So Ellie is four and Elizabeth is..."

"Ellie is four and a half," Mary quickly replied. "Don't forget the half. It's very important to her. And you call Elizabeth ‘Lizzie.’ If you call her Elizabeth, she'll think she's in trouble."

Abbey allowed a small smile, the first sincere one since this ordeal began. "Is she in trouble a lot?"

"No. She's a good kid. They both are. You and Jed raised them well. Lizzie just had a birthday two months ago, so she's 11. She's finishing the fifth grade and Ellie will be starting kindergarten in the fall."

"And Jed?"

"Jed is very special. He loves you so much." She looked to her husband for affirmation. "Doesn't he, James?"

"Yes, he does. He really does."

"But just for today, don't worry as much about Jed. He knows what's going on. It's the kids you should focus on. They're the ones who don't understand. Tomorrow, we'll work on Jed."

"By tomorrow, she may not need to. She may remember all on her own." James's undying optimism was a family trait that Abbey had inherited. But this time, it was it was his and his alone. 

When Jed and the girls arrived, Abbey was as prepared as possible. She sat up in her bed, ready and eager to see her daughters, but because she was unsure what to expect, she asked her mother to stay with her.

Never any good at hiding even a hint of enthusiasm, Ellie ran to Abbey's bedside shouting at her along the way. "Mommy!"

Abbey reached for her at first, then quickly retracted her injured hands as Jed lifted her onto the bed. She thanked him with an appreciative glance before she hugged the young girl, holding her tight to her chest. For a split second, a feeling of familiarity took over her senses. But it disappeared just as quickly as it came. 

For the next several minutes, it was as if Ellie had disregarded everything her father had told her. All that mattered was that Abbey was sitting in front of her and giving her the attention she wanted.

Elizabeth was more cautious. She stood in the back of the room and watched every move her mother made. Her eyes were glued to the bruises on her face. One was at the corner of her lips, a bit red and swollen. Another across her cheekbone, blue and purple, as if she had been struck with the back of a hand. The bandages around her hands covered her palms entirely, even overflowing to her right middle and index fingers. 

"Lizzie?" Abbey called her name just as gingerly. "Come on over here."

She walked as slowly as possible, never quite warming up to the idea of facing a mother who didn't recognize her. "Hi."

"Hi." Abbey was immediately taken by her sapphire-colored eyes. They were sharp and clear, as if reminiscent of someone she knew. 

She glanced at Ellie to reconfirm what she had felt only moments earlier. The four-year-old's soft golden curls gathered around her shoulders with only a slight hint of an auburn hue. With blue-green eyes and a gorgeous peaches and cream complexion, she resembled Abbey's sister, Kate. 

But not Lizzie. Lizzie was just as beautiful and just as sweet, but Lizzie didn't look like Abbey's side of the family. Her thick chestnut hair hung to the middle of her back, only a few waves keeping it from a straight fall. A light dusting of bangs covered one side of her forehead, barely brushing her lashes. And her face - that was familiar too. She looked like her father. 

Call it a mother's instinct. She may not have remembered them, but she knew she loved them. It was a feeling that could never be replaced, one that could never be denied. Her frustration of the unknown may have initially provoked her to relearn her past, but the two little girls sitting beside her were her motivation. She was more determined than ever.

Feeling like an outsider intruding on a private moment, Jed left the room, followed immediately by James.

"Jed?" The older man called for him.

"I just need a minute." He bent forward and rubbed his head against his fingertips.

"Have you been to sleep yet?"

"I can't sleep."

"You need to."

"Please don't."

James quickly conceded. "Do you want to let the girls come stay with us?"

"It's up to them. Ellie's all for it. Lizzie said she'd go, but she may change her mind."

"If she does, I'll bring her home." 

It was obvious this would be difficult on everyone, but he didn't realize just how difficult it may turn out to be for Jed. "It's the end of the school year, so I'll have to get her assignments from her teacher and bring them to her."

"It's just for a week, Jed. Just give Abbey time to adjust."

A week. That's all it was supposed to be. One week and hopefully, Abbey would recover completely. But it was a long week, one that Jed could barely survive.

\- - -

The first day, Jed didn't sleep or eat. He was overcome with worry and a bit of lingering denial. The second day, he managed to collapse on his deserted bed, allowing his emotions to spill violently from his body until an unruly exhaustion took over, forcing him to close his eyes and drift towards slumber. Day three brought a bit of a distraction. He taught his classes at the university, but avoided driving to Concord that evening. In his two years in the State House, he had never missed a vote. Never before now. 

By the fourth day, he found himself pacing outside his church, the very church he attended as a young boy with his parents, the church that gave him years of inspiration and even sparked his interest in the priesthood. 

He eventually went in and made his way to the middle pew, falling back against one before sitting comfortably and leaning forward onto another.

It didn't take long for Father Cavanaugh to notice his presence. Tom Cavanaugh, arguably one of the most influential people in Jed's life, the person Jed turned to as a young boy to make sense of the world, of his life, or his relationship with his parents. 

Now he was back. And this time, it wasn't just for guidance. 

"I didn't see you at Sunday Mass."

"I had other things on my mind," Jed replied coolly.

"How is she?" Word had spread quickly throughout their circle of friends.

"As well as can be expected."

"We're all keeping her in our prayers."

Jed turned towards Tom for a split second. He opened his mouth as if ready to share his reply, then pulled away. He stared straight ahead and changed direction. "You know the legislative session is coming to a close."

"Yeah."

"When I got into politics that first year, all the senior House members scurried around looking for a freshman to mentor. That's how it works." He paused and faced the priest. "Did you know that?"

"No, I didn't."

With a nod, he returned his attention towards the altar. "I still remember what the poor schmuck who ended up with me had to say. He said 'Jed, there will be bills that you want to have passed and ones that NEED to have passed. Pick your battles. Don't fight everything because when it comes to something you really need, there will be no fight left in you.'"

"Sounds like a good policy."

"I thought so too. Last month, a colleague of mine approached me about cosponsoring a bill. Its purpose is to require a mandatory minimum prison sentence for offenders of violent crimes against women. I knew we'd get some resistance because some would feel the bill was discriminatory. So, I passed. I told him that while I'd vote for it, I wouldn't sponsor it. I have a wife and two daughters and I never imagined that they could be in danger. It never occurred to me that this kind of thing could happen to us." 

"No one expects this."

He paused once again and took in a deep breath before continuing. "Just last month, I refused to sign my name to a bill that would protect women because I wanted to avoid a political fight. So you gotta ask yourself. Is this supposed to be irony or penance?"

"That's not the Church's definition of that word, Jed," Tom reminded him, a layer of bitterness lacing his words. "You know that."

"How do I know that? You can tell me over and over again that God is a loving God, but you can't tell me why He allowed this to happen. Why Abbey? This is a woman who has dedicated her life to saving others. Why wasn't He with her when she left the hospital that night?"

"He was." Jed let out a light sputter in response. "He kept her alive."

"She doesn't remember anything about her life since May 1965. I didn't meet her until December of that year."

"I know."

"They say it's only temporary, that she could get her memory back at any moment. But I don't think she will, not without help. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do for her."

"Help her to remember. Abbey needs you more than ever. She's walking around in a daze. People are telling her it's 14 years later than what she thinks it is. She's confused and probably angry and frustrated, much like yourself."

"I can't very well expect her to open up to me when she doesn't trust me." His lower lip quivered as he finished his statement. "I think she's scared of me." It was obvious that was the most painful aspect for Jed.

"Because she doesn't know you. You have to change that. Let her get to know you again. Once she realizes you're not going to hurt her, she'll trust you. You're the only person who can teach her about your life together. You're the only one who can help her remember your marriage."

"Let her get to know me?"

"From the beginning. That's the only way you can reach her."

Tom made it sound easy, easier than Jed believed it was. But it didn't matter. He had closed himself off for the past four days, fearing the only option available - to sit and wait. But now, he felt differently. Now there was hope. He wasn't a helpless being, forced to surrender his fate to the psychological warfare taking place inside Abbey's mind. 

Memory or not, he had made her fall in love with him once. He was up to the challenge of doing it again.

TBC


	5. Say You Love Me Too

Jed Bartlet wasn't a man who allowed nerves to dominate his social skills. It wasn't always that way. While in college, for instance, he met Abbey's parents for the first time and his nervousness nearly paralyzed him to the point he was sure he would pass out before the end of the evening. But that awkward young man had grown up and with age and maturity, he had learned to handle practically any situation with confidence and poise. 

Practically. 

He held the phone in his hands as his eyes glazed over the rotary. This would be a difficult call, not because of what he had to say, but because of how it would be received.

Slowly, he slipped his finger into the holes surrounding the numbers, pausing after every dial until he was finished. As soon as it began to ring, he contemplated hanging up. His conscience wouldn't allow him to. This needed to be done. The sooner the better. 

"Hello?" 

"Abbey. It's Jed." Not knowing whether or not she would recognize his voice, he introduced himself, then took a spit second to absorb the notion of introducing himself to his own wife.

"Hi."

"Hi. How are the girls?"

"They're good. I'll get them."

"Wait! I want to ask you something first."

"Okay."

"I'm picking them up on Saturday and I was just wondering if maybe I came a little earlier, maybe you and I could go out and get a bite to eat or something?" This was all part of the plan to let her get to know him again. It was what he had to do to win her trust. 

Abbey bit down on her lower lip. The past few days had been such a challenge. Her emotions were overwhelmed with fear, and that fear, primarily the fear of the unknown, was sparking anxiety she couldn't control. 

"Abbey?"

"I'm here. I'm sorry. Just...not this week." She paused to gather her strength. "Maybe next week?"

The crushing blow was well-disguised. "Yeah, that's fine. Can I talk to the girls?" 

He didn't even take a breath as he rapidly changed the subject and simultaneously sank to one of the sofa cushions, his forehead buried in his hand.

He dismissed all the questions he wanted to ask her, his bruised feelings taking precedence over the curiosity inside him. After twelve years of marriage and two children, he never thought he'd have to fight for Abbey's attention. He never dreamed he'd have to wonder if she would ever love him again. But since the attack, that's all he'd been doing. 

She wasn't the only one with fears. His own fears kept him awake most nights. He'd toss and turn in his big empty bed, longing for an opportunity to hold his wife next to him, to bridge the distance between them, and find a way to help her win the psychological battle that threatened their love. 

And now there was yet another fear. Over the course of the last several days, he had been transformed into a person he didn't even recognize. He had become withdrawn and depressed, barely able to work and unwilling to take control. His talk with Tom Cavanuagh changed all that. Father Cavanaugh initially gave him hope and sparked his optimism. But like water to a flame, that small spark had been extinguished with Abbey's rejection. 

He railed against the self-destructive thoughts that had taken hold of him earlier, but he lost that fight. His voice cracking slightly at the sadness that shadowed him, he tried to get off the phone as quickly as possible, fast enough so his daughters wouldn't notice.

One of them didn't. But one of them did.

Lizzie observed the unusual way her father hurried through the conversation. She sensed the mournful tone clearly pronounced in every word he spoke. 

Concern setting in, she hung up the receiver and looked to her mother. "I wanna go home."

Abbey set aside the pictures she and Millie were searching through so she could stand up to properly address her daughter. "Is something the matter?"

"I just wanna go home. I wanna see Daddy."

It had been a rocky week for Liz. She was thrown into a situation she didn't completely understand, one that undermined everything she had believed all her life. Suddenly, to her, her mother's love wasn't unconditional. It was very much dependent on her memories of the past.

But Abbey had been drawn to her daughters from the second she was reunited with them. She may not have remembered giving birth, but the mother-daughter bond that had formed at conception was very much alive in her heart. There was something there, some pull that motivated her against curling up into a ball and sheltering herself from even more trauma. 

That incomprehensible feeling towards her girls was normal, according to her doctors. It was common in people with this type of amnesia to associate a small portion of their memory bank with a familiarity only their senses could explain. 

Even so, Abbey's patience with herself was wearing thin. She swallowed her unhappiness and acquiesced to Lizzie's request. "I'll get Grandpa to take you home. Go get your things."

"Abbey." Millie gently reached out a hand to her friend.

"It's fine. She wants to go home. That's fine."

"Let’s take her."

"Us?"

"Yes. I think you need to go back there. I think you need to see your house. It may help."

"No, it won't. Nothing's going to help, Millie." Abbey never dealt well with frustration. Now was no exception.

"Something will."

"How do you know that? I spent the entire morning going through countless photo albums and listening to your memories of what my life was like the past 14 years. And nothing! Scores of pictures of my family and I don't even recognize them! I don't know them!" She picked up a photograph as her bitterness began to escalate. "Look at this! I don't know who that is!" 

"It's you," Millie replied, staring at the photo of Abbey in her black graduation cap and gown, Liz by her side and Jed holding seven-month-old Ellie. In Abbey's hand was her degree, awarded as confirmation that she had completed medical school.

"Why can't I remember? I can't practice medicine because I can't remember going to medical school. I can't be a mother to my kids because I can't remember them. I can't even remember getting married. How can you tell me that something will jar my memory when so far, nothing has?"

Millie's eyes followed her as she collapsed onto the couch. "Then I guess you'll just have to accept the fact that this is your life from now on. You'll have to find a new career, unless you want to go through med school all over again. You'll have to find a new family. I hope you can find one as supportive and loving as the one you had. You'll have to start all over."

"It's not going to work."

"What's not going to work?"

"This. Whatever it is you're doing. It's not going to work. I'm angry and I have every right to be angry."

"No one is saying you don't. But unless you do something about it, you're just an angry woman sitting at home praying for wisdom." She took a seat next to her and adopted a softer approach. "Come with me to take Lizzie home?"

"No. I don't want to go back there yet." Emotionally crippled from the terror she experienced, she couldn't risk being drowned in a flood of memories that such a trip could induce.

Reluctantly, Millie relented. She drove Lizzie to New Hampshire out of a desire to see Jed. Over the years, her love for Abbey had grown to include him and her concern had encompassed both since she found out about the attack. 

A deeply committed family man, Jed's life had been toppled. His world had crashed around him and his support system was nowhere to be found. 

Until now.

Jed drove faster as he approached his driveway and noticed Millie's car parked outside. He jumped from his seat, opening his arms to embrace an excited Lizzie. "What are you doing here, Sweetheart?"

"I wanted to come home."

He kissed his daughter and held her tightly while he took a moment to compose himself. "I'm glad you're home." He took her back then glanced up at Millie. "You didn't have to come all the way up here. I could have driven down to get her."

"It's okay. We had a fun drive. Didn't we, Lizzie?"

"Yeah! Aunt Millie took the back roads so we could see the creeks and streams along the way."

"For part of it anyway."

"Why were you waiting out here? Don't you have your key, Angel?"

"Uh uh. I left it at home."

"Well, don't ever do that again," he teased as he ruffled the top of her hair. 

Eager to talk to Millie, he asked Lizzie to unpack her things as they followed him inside. 

"How are you?" Millie asked first.

"Ellie didn't want to come home?" Her silence answered his question. "Is she okay?"

"She's good. She does miss you though."

"I'll call her later." He made his way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact as he asked his next question. "How's Abbey?"

"About as good as you look," she replied, taking in his rumpled appearance. "You don't look like someone who just returned from work, so where were you just now?"

"I went for a drive."

"Playing hooky?"

"Just for today." He returned her harmless glare with one of his own. "Have the police been talking to her?"

She tilted her head slightly. "She hasn't been talking to them. She doesn't remember what happened, so she feels it's pointless. And the blood they found, they can't match with anyone already in their database."

"As a doctor, tell me. How bad are her hands?"

"They're still bandaged. She has a hard time bending her fingers, picking things up. She can't hold Ellie unless someone puts her in her lap."

"Did she start physical therapy?"

"Not yet. She's hesitating."

"Why?"

"Same reason you are. She's scared."

With raised brows, he challenged her. "I'm not hesitating."

"You haven't been to see her."

"She doesn't want to see me. I asked."

"On the phone this morning. I know. I was with her. She didn't say she didn't want to see you. She said she doesn't want to go out and have dinner."

"It's the same thing."

"No, it really isn't."

"I don't want to push. She's frightened. I want to let her heal in peace."

It wasn't in his nature to put his feelings ahead of Abbey's in such a serious situation. His love for her far outweighed his love for himself and his desire to save himself the grief that would destroy him if she never returned. For now, he would exercise a virtue with which he had little experience. Just for now, he'd be patient. 

Little did he know that patience would pay off for him on Saturday night.

\- - -

Jed arrived right on time to pick up Ellie. Initially, the little girl was thrilled to see him. She ran into his arms. Her small hands wrapped around his frame.

"You ready to go?"

"I have to get Mimi." Mimi - the raggedy stuffed bunny Ellie couldn't sleep without. 

"Okay, you go get Mimi and I'll wait right here." 

As she scurried out of the room, Jed casually rested his eyes on Abbey. She was as beautiful as always. The bruises on her face were slowly vanishing. Aside from the bandages on her hands, there was little cosmetic evidence of the violence that scarred her internally. 

"How's Lizzie?" she asked.

"She's fine. She's at Amy's..." He corrected himself immediately when he realized she wouldn't know who Amy is. "...a friend's house tonight and she has something with her Girl Scout troop most of the day tomorrow."

Lizzie was adjusting just fine, she thought to herself. Well enough, at least, to be with her friends. Abbey didn't admit to the hurt feelings that came from that realization. She wanted both her daughters to be happy, but the detachment she felt from Liz, nurtured her insecurities.

She took a breath before responding. "I'm glad she's doing well."

He may be able to fool her because of her lack of memory, but she was never good at fooling him. Not even now. She was upset and he knew it. He struggled with the urge to press the issue, but the decision was out of his hands when Ellie skipped towards him, ready to go home.

"Are we ready now?"

"We're ready!"

"You wanna say bye to your mom?"

Abbey kneeled in front of her and took her into a hug. "I'm going to miss you."

"You're not coming?" Ellie asked, genuinely surprised.

"No, Sweetie, I'm not."

The little girl looked to her father, then back to her mother, confused and unsure. "I don't wanna go."

"Ellie, you'll get to see your mother again in a few days. I promise."

"Noooo," she whined.

Jed bent down to pick her up as her protests became louder. "It's okay. We're going to go home and have some ice cream," he assured her in a failed effort to calm her tantrum.

"NOOOO!" she screamed at him as she kicked her feet against his body.

"Eleanor, STOP it!" he scolded regrettably. She settled only slightly, allowing tears to take over as she looked over his shoulder at Abbey. Jed began to walk towards the door, but he couldn't bring himself to ignore Ellie's sobs. He tightened his grip and pressed his lips to her cheek to kiss her as she cried. "You wanna stay with Mommy?"

"Uh huh," she said, a gasp of air breaking the phrase.

He turned to face his wife with a few tears of his own. "Is that okay?"

"Of course." Abbey kept a stiff upper lip as she tried to prevent herself from falling apart at the anguish she witnessed in front of her.

"Okay." After lowering her to the ground, he pulled a tissue out of his pocket and dabbed at the wetness around the four-year-old's eyes. "Is that better?"

Ellie nodded, still donning a frown that took over the bottom half of her face. "Can I still have ice cream?"

As she watched the gentle care he took with their young daughter, affection engulfed Abbey's heart. It wasn't just affection towards Ellie. This was about Jed. 

A distant, almost fuzzy and faded image grabbed her attention. She and Jed barreled into a room where a little girl with a skinned knee stood crying. She was a brunette, probably a younger Lizzie, she deduced. Jed scooped her up into his arms and comforted her the way only a father could. 

He was sweet and loving, the way he rubbed soothing circles across her back to calm her. Suddenly, she saw herself approaching the pair with a small, damp washcloth, a medicine dropper, and a band-aid.

Was it a memory or just her imagination, she wondered. But there wasn't much time to figure it out.

"That's up to your mom."

"Mommy?"

"What?" Abbey shrugged herself out of her daze. "Yeah. We can have ice cream."

"Well, I'll leave that to the two of you," Jed offered. "Ellie, can I have a hug?" 

"I want you to stay here."

"I can't, Sweetheart. But I love you and I'll see you soon. Maybe I'll bring Lizzie down after school on Tuesday."

"You know," Abbey interrupted. "You could join us for quick bowl of ice cream." Her instincts took over. "If you want to, that is."

There was still apprehension in her voice, but at least she was taking the first step. Jed couldn't refuse her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. She wants you to and it would be nice to have some company."

She wouldn't have imagined it a few hours ago, but the same feeling that pushed her towards her daughters was now pushing Abbey to Jed. It was a lighter shove, but it was a shove nonetheless. Other than the flash of a scene with Lizzie's skinned knee, she didn't remember anything about him. 

But sometimes, complex emotions generated out of love go beyond your memory and are forever engraved in your soul.

 

TBC


	6. Say You Love Me Too

Ice cream was always a special treat in the Bartlet house. Not a big fan of sugar, Abbey limited how much of it her daughters were allowed to eat. Even with lapses in her memory, her commitment towards health was something engrained so deep in her psyche that she couldn't imagine it any other way.

But this was a special occasion, a need to push herself towards understanding the missing pieces of her past and, in the process, help her get a little closer to knowing the man everyone assured her was the love of her life. 

Jed helped Ellie onto a chair at the kitchen table as Abbey reached in the cupboard for three bowls. She paused when she noticed the playful interaction as he moved his head behind the little girl, surprising her over her right shoulder, then tickling her until her giggles led to small hiccups. 

He patted her back and had taken his seat by the time he noticed Abbey's stare.

"I'm sorry," she said, lowering her head as a show of embarrassment for the intrusion. 

"No, it's okay. There's nothing to be sorry about."

He took the bowls out of her hand and fished out the ice cream from the freezer. When she approached with the scooper held awkwardly in her bandaged palm, he waited for her to ask for help. She never did. She simply tried to curl her fingers around the arm. 

Realizing it was a futile attempt, frustration took over. "I can't..."

"It's all right," he interjected before she could finish her statement. "That's why I'm here." 

He was unwilling to stomp on her independence, especially at a time when she needed it the most. But when she asked for his assistance, he jumped to his feet. 

"Thank you." She flashed him a demure smile and took a seat next to Ellie.

Plain chocolate ice cream. Never before had he scooped out so much of it. Never before had he had an ulterior motive. The more ice cream there was to eat, the more time he'd spend talking to Abbey. These were going to be colossal scoops.

"Now, I assume the whipped cream is in the fridge," he commented after nearly overflowing the bowls. "Do you have sprinkles?"

"Isn't the ice cream enough?"

"Ellie likes sprinkles."

"Oh." She didn't know that. It was her own daughter and she didn't know that. "I don't know if we have any."

"No sprinkles?" Ellie whined.

"I think we have some M&M's," Abbey offered.

"That's perfect!" Like an excited little boy, Jed took the bag of candy from her extended hand. "We always keep M&M's at home for emergencies. Well, I do. You usually just snark and give me a look," he said, taking note of her glare. "Just like that one right there."

"Candy emergencies?"

"They like candy," he replied as he sprinkled a few M&M's over Ellie's ice cream and finished it with a twist of whipped cream.

"You give them too much sugar," she teased.

He would have given anything to be able to argue with her once more over the way he bribed his daughters with sugary treats. But he couldn't. He had to settle for a mere confession. "Yes, I do."

She spooned her ice cream just around the handful of M&M's he dropped over it. "Is that enough?"

"That's plenty. Thanks."

There it was. He saw that glimmer in her eye that had been missing during his visits to the hospital. That same sparkle that she naturally exuded all her life was still there. It was very much a part of her and, just like the night of their first meeting, it drew him in almost completely as he made a conscious effort to memorize every subtle detail.

Her peripheral vision gave her a peek into Jed's intruding glare, but she didn't stop him. She continued to eat her snack without so much as a look of acknowledgment until Ellie tugged on his shirt to get his attention. 

"Where's Lizzie?" she wanted to know.

"She's spending the night at Amy's."

"Doesn't she want to spend the night here?"

Abbey looked down at her bowl and absently swirled the tip of her spoon from side to side. Jed noticed immediately. He sensed her uneasiness before. Now he realized why. Abbey was upset that Lizzie didn't choose to stay.

"Lizzie has a lot going on right now and I think she wants to spend some time with her friends. But I know she misses you..." He looked to Abbey as he concluded. "...both of you, very much."

Once again hitting uncomfortable territory, Abbey changed the subject. "Hey, Ellie, do you want ricotta pancakes for breakfast tomorrow?"

"Yeah!"

"Ricotta pancakes?" Jed was surprised. "You don't usually make those for the kids."

"I don't usually make them, period. But I made it for Ellie a couple of days ago and she really liked it. The only other person I've ever made them for is my friend Ron."

Jed's utensil clashed against the glass as he dropped it. "Ron?"

That lit his fire. 

Ron Ehrlich. A blast from the past better left forgotten. 

Abbey was living in May 1965. She didn't begin dating Ron until September of that year, so there was a high probability their romantic relationship had also fallen victim to her memory loss. But she remembered the friendship that sparked it, and for that reason, Jed's feelings of inadequacy were suddenly revived. 

The shock and jealousy that pulsated through him more than a decade ago when he realized the woman of his dreams was already taken, was now back in a different form. Now, he was simply jealous that a psychological glitch had wiped out her life with him, but it hadn't wiped out her early memories of Ron. 

It was just another blow to Jed's fragile state of mind.

"Did I say something wrong?" Abbey asked, alarmed by his expression.

Of course she didn't. Not intentionally. "No. No, you didn't."

The room fell silent as even Ellie chose to ignore the awkwardness that resulted. His own defense mechanisms gearing up for a discussion, Jed avoided eye contact with Abbey until Ellie was put to bed. 

\- - -

Jed sat in the family room to wait for Abbey as his mind raced with options. He vowed to be patient. He vowed to be understanding. But it had been a week and his patience and understanding were leading to more confusion for his daughters and more heartbreak for him. 

He took a deep breath just before Abbey joined him. 

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah. Is she asleep?"

"Soundly."

"Where are your parents?"

"They went to dinner. They should be back soon."

He looked to her hands. It was the perfect place to start. "So what if you needed help with Ellie tonight? What would you have done?"

"What kind of help?"

"You couldn't have had ice cream with her because you had trouble with the scooper. You couldn't have picked her up if she was hurt. How do you manage?"

"I manage," she replied a bit defensively.

Every instinct he had told him not to touch her. He didn't listen. He gently took her hand and turned her palm up towards the ceiling while he ran a finger over the creases in the bandage. "When do you start physical therapy?"

She snapped harshly out of his grasp. "I don't know. I'll make an appointment eventually."

"Abbey, you have to do it soon. You can't go on with your life...with your career until you find out how extensive the damage is."

"The wounds haven't even healed yet. There's nothing a therapist can do right now." She inched further away from him, clearly agitated and ready to return to her comfort zone. "Tell me about Elizabeth," she requested in a milder tone.

If there was ever a way to make Jed Bartlet beam, it was by bringing up one of his kids. "She's wonderful. They both are."

"What about..." She hesitated briefly. "...my relationship with her. What's that like?"

"It's good. It's very good. You have a strong mother-daughter bond. She loves you a great deal."

"I don't feel connected to her. I mean, I feel...I feel love, but the entire time she was here, it was like she was avoiding me, like she was angry." Her eyes fixated randomly across the room as she asked softly, "I'm not mean to her, am I? I wasn't ever mean, was I?"

"No, no, Abbey, never. Of course not. You're a spectacular mother. Lizzie's confused and upset right now. She won't talk to me either, even though I tried to bring it up several times since she's been home."

"I feel like she should be here. I want to spend time with her."

Okay. She's the one who went in that direction. She opened the discussion. It was time for Jed to make the next move. "Have you thought about coming back to live at the house? Our house? In New Hampshire?"

With a shake of her head, Abbey stood up. "I'm not ready to do that."

He crowded her with his body as he followed her lead. "But we could all live there together. And if you're not comfortable with me, your mom could stay with us for as long as you want." He was filled with hope as he stood directly behind her. "I just think if you're there, if all of us are back together, it can only help."

"No." The answer even surprised her. She wanted so badly to give in to her instincts, to accept Jed's offer and try to reunite her family, but her heart wasn't the organ making the decisions. That job had been delegated to her brain. "Not now."

Frustration seeping inside, he turned away sharply and greeted her with silence for several more minutes. "Lizzie's recital is next week," he finally said, his tone more hostile now. "If you want to reach out to her, you should try to go."

"What kind of recital?"

His eyes closed at the realization that this was so new, he'd forgotten she didn't know even the basics of their life as a family. "Sorry. Ballet."

Ballet. That was it. Of course, it was ballet. A quick flash infiltrated Abbey's thoughts. She could see a little girl turning on the tips of her toes while calling out to her sister. "This is called a pirouette, Ellie." 

And just like that. It was gone. It disappeared just as quickly as it came.

"Abbey?" Jed tried to get her attention.

"Yeah?"

"What was that?" 

"What?"

"That. You were just thinking about something." His excitement spilled out. "Did you remember something? What's going on?"

"No, it was nothing. I thought..." It would be so easy to tell him. Maybe he could even help complete that one particular memory. "It was nothing," she answered instead as she continued to shelter herself.

Visibly deflated, he took a step back and adopted a more honest approach. "Look, I don't know what I'm supposed to do for you."

"Do for me? There's nothing you can do."

"Don't tell me that!" It wasn't anger that caused his temper to flare. It was the impotence that had been building inside him all week. "I CAN help you! You won't let me! You've put up this barrier between us and it's so unnecessary, Abbey. It's so unnecessary. Why can't you see that?"

He wanted to get through to her. Instead, his shouting only succeded in alienating her a little more.

"I think we're done for tonight," she replied coolly.

Nothing stung more than that declaration. She was closing herself off to him and his desperation wouldn't allow him to let it go without a fight. 

"No, we're not. We're not done just because you say so. This is not finished! I want you to go upstairs. I want you to pack your things! I want to take you home RIGHT NOW!"

Did he actually say those words, he thought. Had his exhaustion and frustration pushed him so far that he didn't even sound like himself anymore? Had he really thought strong-arming her would work? He answered himself with a resounding "no." 

Her eyes squinted in his direction, she paused for a moment to give him time to calm himself. It only took seconds. Exasperated, he collapsed back on the couch. Giving her an order was a useless move. Even he couldn't deny that. 

In so many ways, Abbey felt like she had just met Jed. In so many others, she felt a connection so deep that her heart ached for the misery bestowed upon him. In order to prevent the argument from escalating, it was her turn to lull the tension. 

She gathered her thoughts and sat beside him. "So in the twelve years that we've been married, has that chauvinistic, do-what-I-say attitude ever worked with me?"

"No," he admitted quietly. "You usually tell me off when I do that."

Another minute passed. He knew she would say it. He sensed she would say it. He held his breath waiting for her to say it.

She nodded and replied, "Good."

Predictable. 

Jed couldn't help but deliver a small smile. No traumatic injury was enough to change the essence of Abbey. Just as big a smartass as her husband, it was her feisty, spunky nature that attracted him first and kept him spellbound all these years later.

He shifted his body to face her. More seriously this time, he began. "I just want to help you. Please let me help you." It wasn't a question. It was a plea.

Abbey absorbed the pain so obviously displayed on his face before she answered. His crystal blue eyes were shining with tears, his brows furrowed only to the point of expressing his deep-seeded anguish. His bottom lip even trembled slightly. Well, before he was aware of it anyway.

It took every ounce of strength and courage he could muster up to say those words. She couldn't disappoint him with an insincere reply. She wouldn't do that to him.

"I want to," she responded weakly. 

But she didn't trust him. Not yet. He couldn't imagine the trauma she had endured to cause this type of damage. He didn't want to imagine it and if he didn't want to imagine it, there was no way he could rationalize forcing her to remember it.

This was about Abbey, not about him, he reminded himself. He was sacrificing his own peace of mind out of respect for hers. 

"It'll take time." He didn't know if it was fear or apprehension towards him that kept her quiet. "So it's a good thing I have time."

Her parents were right. Millie was right. Jed Bartlet was a good, decent man. The evidence of that was in his body language, clearly defined by a mixture fatigue and sorrow. His life was turned upside down, his future possibly destroyed and a few outbursts notwithstanding, he was still being patient and loving.

"Thank you," she whispered.

With another deep breath, he plastered a phony smile on his face. "So I've been told that I'm the only one who can teach you about our life together. I went to the library and did some research on how to do that."

All these days she shut him out. She expected him to be resentful. She expected anger, not concern. She expected betrayal, not undying devotion. He had been doing research. And she had been caught by surprise. 

"And?" She returned his cheerful mood. "Do you want to get into this?"

"If you'll let me." 

Accepting his offer, she let out a sigh of relief. "Tell me about the girls first?"

"Well, from what I read, we should start from the earliest time you've blocked out and work our way to the most recent."

"But I want to know about my daughters. Please."

"Okay." He conceded without a second thought. If that's what would motivate her, so be it. "Lizzie was born in London."

"Millie told me that. I saw her picture as a newborn in one of the albums."

"She was a beautiful baby. When they placed her on your chest, the first thing you said to me was that God had just blessed us with his very own special angel. That's what we call her, even now."

Abbey smiled at the tingling sensation that was a direct result of the way he spoke of Lizzie. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. The next few years, you were the one who stayed home with her while I worked on my doctorate..."

And so it began. They sat side-by-side as he recounted snippets of their life together. Overwhelmed by the happy anecdotes he shared, she didn't mind that he chose to leave out the unhappier times. For now, the joyful memories were enough to start her on the journey towards recovery.

TBC


	7. Say You Love Me Too

"Lizzie, are you ready?" 

Jed's voice carried through the house, breaking the barrier of Liz's bedroom door. She turned her head with acknowledgment, but then threw her blanket to the ground and rested her head against her pillow, her eyes gazing up at the ceiling as she waited for her father to come after her.

She didn't have to wait long.

"You didn't knock," she said as he stormed in.

"You're not ready," he replied, getting a peek at the pink sweatshirt and gray pants she was wearing.

She crossed her arms on top of her chest and shot him a squinted glare. "No."

"Why not?"

"I'm not going."

It was a firm answer, but one that was unacceptable to Jed. Upon her return from Boston, she seemed content and strangely well-adjusted, but that was a facade that soon vanished, replaced by moodiness and withdrawal. Her sarcastic retorts ignored, his best efforts to reach her were met with avoidance.

Much like Jed's, Liz's world had been shattered and she had slipped into a sadness so deep that she was only a notch away from depression. He soothed his concern by convincing himself she needed time with her friends, her peers with whom she shared everything. But slumber parties weren't the cure. Girl scout outings weren't the answer. She needed more. 

Desperate to help her, Jed acted upon the advice of Father Cavanaugh. He shopped around for child psychologists, settling on one recommended by her pediatrician. But even though he resigned himself to the fact that his preteen daughter was in need of professional counseling, getting her to accept it was a battle he was ill-prepared to fight.

It had been two days of constant bickering between the two, the parent/child boundaries nearly becoming a blur. It took every bit of patience still left inside him to force the issue and not cower to Liz's tantrums. 

"Lizzie, we're not having this conversation again. Now get out of those sweats and let's go." He stood still waiting for her to move. She never did. "Now."

Her head whirled to the side to face him. "I don't wanna go."

"I don't care," he sputtered, his temper now simmering just beneath the boiling point for the tenth time that day.

"You never even asked me!"

"Some things are not up for discussion."

"They always have been before."

She had a point. Liz was very much an active part of the family and she cherished the fact that she had a vote in a lot of the decision-making between her parents. But things were different now. The unusual circumstances caused a shift in roles and even Jed felt he didn't have complete control. 

"That was then," he answered. "When I say you have to do something, you have to do it. Now get dressed and meet me in the car."

He grabbed the knob and slammed the door behind him, letting out a sigh that penetrated the thin walls. Her sympathy piqued out of the realization that her father was hurting. She stood up to do as she was told, but when her familiar defiance reappeared, she plopped down on her bed and waited to greet his anger minutes later.

"I said I'm not going," she declared as he stood in the doorway.

"Elizabeth..."

"I don't wanna go!"

"Get in the car now." It tugged at his heart to confront either one of his daughters, but this standoff was even harder. Locked with determination and unwilling to relinquish his stand, Jed continued. "If you don't get yourself to the car in the next few seconds, you're going to be grounded for two weeks. I mean it. I'm finished playing around."

"I'm not even dressed!" she shouted from her seat on the bed. 

"Then you'll just have to go in your sweats. We're already late."

Her echoing stomps only grew louder the closer she got to the car. Upset that she had been forced to surrender to his demand, she sat silently in her seat and stared out the window the entire way, refusing to look at him even when they arrived at the counselor's office. 

Jed walked to the passenger's side and opened her door. She didn't react. "Elizabeth, don't make me pick you up and carry you inside."

"You're so mean," she blurted out as she stood up.

"Yes, I am. Don't forget to include that in your session." 

Ordinarily, he would have said that as a joke. But today, he wasn't joking. Sadly, today, he was serious. It may have been for her own good, but he hated the stern methods he used to get her here. From the day she was born, he had vowed to ease problems by talking to his daughter, not by threatening her with punishment. Rarely did he stray from that commitment.

He sat in the waiting room, his eyes glued to the clock as the seconds turned into minutes. He squashed his rising curiosity every time he heard the slightest sound coming from the office. He wondered if she was okay, if she was crying, if she was opening up, or if she was sitting back in her chair, sheltering her emotions the way she had with him.

Finally, she reappeared. A little more contrite, her head hung slightly low and her hands were stuffed into the pockets of her gray pants. She didn't say a word as he led her out of the building and back to the car. 

After he slid into the driver's seat, he looked at her once more. The anger that was visible earlier had disappeared completely. But now, she looked sadder than she ever had before. He leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. She didn't even flinch when he kissed her. She didn't respond at all, but at least that meant she didn't pull away either.

Out of concern for Abbey, he had avoided the inevitable for more than a week. He hadn't mentioned the problems he was having with Lizzie to anyone. Not even Millie, the person who frequently checked on him, was aware of the daily skirmishes that only seemed to intensify and overwhelm him with pain and concern.

But that was about to change. As they arrived home, Jed immediately headed for the ringing phone. In the past, his mother-in-law had always been a confidante for both him and Abbey. But with the awkwardness looming in the background, he was unsure of the depth of her loyalty. 

The one thing he did know is that Mary Barrington adored her granddaughter and nothing could ever change that. If there was one person, besides his wife, who could steer him in the right direction when it came to parenting, it was her. 

His voice was weak and despondent, alerting her that something was very wrong. Without a moment's hesitation, she asked how she could help. The raw angst he had suppressed from everyone else suddenly seeped out of him with an onslaught of tears he tried modestly to disguise.

It was a difficult realization for Mary. Her daughter had been affected by a trauma so horrendous that she was psychologically protecting herself from the people who needed her most. Caught in the middle of her mind's desire to block out that which it can't accept, was a young girl who desperately required the love and reassurance only Abbey could give her. 

"Mom?" Abbey caught her mother in a daze as she was hanging up the phone.

"Where did you go?"

"Just in the front yard. I needed some air. What's wrong?"

"Jed called. Elizabeth's having trouble."

"What kind of trouble? What happened?"

"Trouble adjusting. Jed took her to a child psychologist."

"A child psychologist? Why didn't he tell me? He said she was doing fine."

"Abbey, how could you think she's doing fine? No one else is." It was a pretty ignorant assumption for any of them to make. This wasn't just about Jed and Abbey. This was about the entire family. "I think she misses you."

"I don't understand. She's the one who wanted to go back to New Hampshire."

"Abigail, I know it isn't your fault, but she was in a position where she had to choose between her mother and her father."

"And she made her choice." Abbey surprised herself with the bitterness in her tone.

Mary stepped back from her daughter as silence filled the room for several seconds. "This is hard enough for the adults to understand," she said tightly. "Let's try to have some patience with an 11-year-old child."

“You’re right.” Abbey turned away, ashamed that she was actually feeling the way she was feeling. "You're right, Mom. I don't know why that bothers me so much. It's just the way she reacts to me, it makes me wonder...it makes me think that I must have been a bad mother."

"You weren't. You've always been a great mother. You loved your girls more than anything in the world. That's why this is so difficult for Elizabeth. If you were a bad mother, she'd be thrilled to be rid of you. She misses you. She wants you in her life. She wants you to remember your life and your relationship with her."

Abbey may not have been able to give Liz everything she wanted, but at least she could make this easier. "Lizzie made an effort. She came here and spent several days with me. Now it’s my turn to go see her. Will you come with me tomorrow?"

"Of course."

"I'll call Jed."

It was the first time Abbey was going to New Hampshire since the attack. Fearful of the consequences of such a trip, she buried her apprehension in hopes of healing her family. She had been faced with only sporadic flashes of her former life. Images she couldn't explain, visions she couldn't put in context, had stalled her progress towards recovery. 

And at the forefront of her frightened psyche was the knowledge that sooner or later, she'd have to confront her relationship with Jed. She had encouraged him to fill her in on their lives as parents, but never their lives as husband and wife. She wasn't ready to deal with that yet. She wasn't completely comfortable with him and she wasn't sure how long it would take until she would be. 

\- - -

From the moment they arrived at the house the next day, those same feelings of familiarity that had gripped Abbey in the days before, took hold of her heart once again. The exterior of the white and beige Cape Cod-style home appealed to all of her senses. She walked slowly towards the garage, taking in the smell of the barbecue in the neighborhood and then running her hand over a large dent that had scarred the panel from Jed's accident two years earlier.

She didn't know what happened, but the light indentation didn't scare her. Exactly the opposite, in fact.

She approached the front door, her anxiety now hovering at a much lower level. Jed opened the door and raised Ellie up into the air, holding her tightly as he brought her down. Abbey stood frozen in her spot. Doctors told her this might happen. They warned her that as her memory begins to replant itself, it would be like living in a state of constant Déjà Vu. 

And it was.

As Jed lowered Ellie to the ground, her tiny feet ran towards her sister's bedroom. Mary followed a few steps behind, leaving Abbey alone with Jed.

"I'm glad you're here."

Strangely, so was she. "Me too. Why didn't you tell me about this? On Saturday, you said she was fine."

"Because on Saturday, it really was nothing. She actually was fine. She was a little moody, but given what happened, that was to be expected. I thought it would go away on its own."

The conversation was interrupted by Lizzie's intrusion. 

"Hi," she greeted her mother with a detectable level of uncertainty.

Abbey moved towards her and opened her arms for a hug. "Hi."

"Are you staying?" she asked as she returned the embrace.

"Do you want me to?"

"If you want," she replied, but when her eyes met Abbey's, her nonchalant attitude quickly dissipated. "Yeah."

She let out a sigh of relief. It concerned her to think the answer to that question may have been completely different. "Will you show me your room?"

"Only if you promise not to tell me to clean it up."

"I promise I won't," Abbey replied with a laugh. "At least not tonight."

"Okay."

"Give me a second with your father and I'll be right in."

Abbey wasn't the only one who was relieved. Jed tried to cover up his happiness, but to no avail. "You're going to stay?" 

He had to be sure he hadn't misunderstood.

"If the offer's still good."

"Always."

Just to be certain, she had one stipulation. "You said my mom could help out for a few days?"

"This is your house, Abbey. She can stay as long as you want."

It didn't exactly feel like her house, but she did feel welcomed. For the first time since the night that changed all their lives, this felt right. 

TBC


	8. Say You Love Me Too

Superficial as it may seem, the art of braiding hair is an acquired talent that only gets better with time. Tight braids, loose braids, braids that allow voluminous tresses to fall carelessly out of the entangled strands structured to hold a simple ribbon or a delicate barrette can be a quite a challenge, especially for an eleven-year-old. 

Discouraged with her inability to control her thick mane, Elizabeth grumbled under her breath as her fingers continued the process of pulling one section of hair over the other. Abbey stood just outside the doorway, her presence only detected when she moved slightly and the mirror caught her reflection.

"What?" Liz curiously asked.

"Nothing. I'm just watching," she replied. "And wondering how long it's going to take you to ask for help."

"Can you? Your hands."

Abbey looked to her hands, discouraged, but willing to try. "I can do at least a good job as you're doing," she teased gently as Liz gave her a brush, a royal blue ribbon, and hair pins. "So what are we going for here?" 

"I want a ribboned French braid with a bun at the bottom."

Abbey held a lock of hair and draped it over her hand as she prepared to separate it into three sections. Suddenly, her eyes squinted as if she was trying to make a fuzzy vision into a clear memory. She had been here before, in this situation. She and a younger Lizzie sat on her bed one morning and as she finagled a ribbon into her hair, the little girl tilted her head back to ask a question. Abbey clearly remembered.

"Why do you call me baby doll?" 

She fought to hold on to the memory before it left her as quickly as the others had. She knew the answer for she had already realized the striking resemblance between her older daughter and the beautiful doll she had been given as a child. Now, she was fighting to remember Lizzie's reaction to the answer she must have given all those years ago. 

But it was a futile attempt, one that filled her with anger as she was drawn back to the frustrating present. 

Her fingers were unable to bend painlessly. She flinched with each stroke until she finally succumbed to the discomfort. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay." Concealing her disappointment, Lizzie took the brush out of her hand.

"Wait. I have an idea." 

Little sisters are wonderful companions. Aiming to please and always ready to help, they take advantage of every opportunity to make their older siblings proud. 

Ellie Bartlet was no exception. 

She ran towards her mother and sister, her springy curls bouncing with her sprint as she came to a stop just outside the bathroom door. 

"Ellie?" Liz wasn't as confident as Abbey.

"She'll be great," she said to her older daughter before turning her attention to the younger one. "Do you want to help me fix your sister's hair?" 

Thrilled to be asked, Ellie enthusiastically nodded. "Yeah!"

The trio moved to the sofa, where Ellie and Abbey sat on a cushion with Liz positioned on the carpet below. Abbey held a lock of hair in one hand and instructed Ellie to twirl another lock underneath it. No matter how hard she tried, the four-year-old's tiny hands just weren't big enough to properly turn the thick tresses that spilled from between her fingers. Within minutes, the elegant hairstyle Lizzie imagined looked more like a mangled weave of frizz.

"I'm sorry, Lizzie." Ellie's voice held much sadness when she was forced to admit the disaster she helped create.

"It's no big deal," Liz lied in response. 

But it was quite obvious it was a big deal. As one of the stars of her ballet recital, Lizzie was hoping for a fashionable hairstyle that differed from her classmates, one that resembled a 'do sported by older, more sophisticated ballerinas. 

She took back her pins and twisted her hair into an unkempt bun, securing it tightly at the base of her head before retreating to the bathroom.

Upset and eager to help, Abbey had one last idea. "Jed!" 

"What?" He called out from the bedroom.

"Can you come here a sec?"

He made his entrance dressed only in a pair of shorts and a Notre Dame T-shirt. His messy hair and red eyes were a result of his exhaustion, the exhaustion that had plagued him since the night of his wife's attack. 

"What?" he asked, piercing into her gaze.

"You're nowhere near ready to go."

"I was about to jump in the shower."

"Well, first, we need your help." She stood up and led him to the sofa, allowing him her seat. "Lizzie come back out here."

"What's going on?" Jed grew suspicious as Abbey instructed Liz to sit down in front of him.

"You're going to braid her hair."

"What?" His eyes widened at the realization that he was expected to do something he had never done before. "Abbey! I have no idea how to braid hair."

"I'm going to teach you and Ellie's going to help."

Jed tipped Liz's head back to look at her face. "Why does your hair have to be braided? Why can't you wear a bun like you usually do?"

"Because," Abbey interjected before Liz could answer. "She's the lead and she needs to look like it. This is important." 

Mother and daughter exchanged a sweet smile which only compounded Jed's reluctance. "I don't know how to do this."

"You'll be fine," Abbey insisted. "Now first, grab a small lock of hair."

"What the hell's a lock?"

"Daddy!" Lizzie squirmed as he pulled lightly on clump instead.

"Here, Daddy." Ellie offered a smaller portion of soft, silky waves. 

"Good job, Ellie. Take that from her, Jed and then separate two more sections just like it and wrap the ribbon around them."

Bewildered at how difficult the task actually was, Jed stifled his objection and did as Abbey instructed, twisting and turning his daughter's long chestnut hair, and letting out a few disgruntled sighs along the way, until the braid was complete. 

A tingling sensation took hold of Abbey's limbs. The sight before her provoked such a strong response that she could feel the strength of the love she had for her husband. 

Jed held Ellie's wrist as she twisted the end into a bun, resting comfortably against the base of Liz's hairline. "How's that?" 

"I think it's perfect," Abbey answered.

Liz leapt to her feet and excitedly ran towards the bathroom with her compact in-hand. "It IS perfect! Thank you!" 

Jed flashed Abbey a closed-lip smile overflowing with appreciation for guiding him through the arduous process. "May I go take my shower now?"

"Of course," she replied. "And you better make it quick. We have to leave in 30 minutes."

"Yes ma'am. And what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to fix my makeup."

"Me too!" Ellie shouted as she raced her mother to the bathroom.

"Nice try, Munchkin."

"I wanna look like Lizzie. She gets to wear makeup."

"Only when she's on stage," Abbey corrected. "And when you're on stage, you can wear it too."

"Good luck with that," Liz warned. "Ellie's shy. She doesn't like performing."

Abbey knew that. She wasn't sure how, but she knew that. "Well, we'll just have to get her into something she's comfortable with," she responded with a delicate flip of Ellie's golden spirals.

"Dad wants to enroll her in dance or theater. Something to make her face her fear."

"We'll have to talk to about that. I'm not sure that's the best approach." She stopped herself momentarily when she recognized that she had just acknowledged her role in Ellie's upbringing. 

It came naturally, yet subtly. It was a start.

The first few days after Abbey moved back to New Hampshire were marred with tension. But now, that tension was slowly starting to lose its foundation and she began to settle in comfortably to the notion that this was her home. Memories had begun to saturate her thoughts. Quick flashes of the past penetrated virtually every scene in the present, at least where the girls were concerned. 

Notably disturbing, the visions that permeated her mind never included her marriage. She and Jed were usually the backdrop in memories focused on one of her daughters. She struggled with the torment that came from not remembering the man whom she vowed to love forever, the man to whom, confusingly, she was drawn.

His gentle demeanor and patience were admirable. But that wasn't all she liked about him. As she slept night after night on the sofabed in the den, a sense of familiarity kept her awake and restless. It was the same feeling one gets when something is on the tip of their tongue, frustratingly out of reach of the brain. The only thing left to do is to give it leeway until it flows naturally from within.

And that's what she was doing now. 

As Abbey applied powder to her skin, a sudden burst of music shook her. She dropped her hands to the side and left the bathroom. "What is that?"

"What?" Lizzie asked holding a record in her hand.

"The song you just played. What is that?"

"It's an Italian song. Daddy bought it a few years ago."

"Can I see?"

"Yeah." Liz cautiously handed it to her. "I was just trying to find my recital album so I could practice before we go."

"That's fine. I didn't mean to scare you. I just thought it was a beautiful song."

It was Vieni Su, the Italian aria that she and Jed danced to during a romantic weekend in Venice. Though the memory was still lost, the captivating melody enticed her. The few lyrics she heard awakened emotions that she didn't even know existed. 

She stood perfectly still, her eyes still glazing over the record up until the moment she returned it to its home. She would listen to it again sometime, when she was alone, away from prying eyes enthusiastically waiting for any glimpse of progress towards her former life. 

Her doctors had encouraged this. The senses are key to regaining one's memory when it's voluntarily eradicated. She had been told that songs from her past could definitely stir her subconscious, but she didn't realize just how powerful a role this particular piece of music would play in the psychodrama she was living. At least, not until now. 

She erased her uneasiness with a swipe of her eyes and a quick touch of her hair as Jed approached. Perhaps it was the few seconds of the song she just heard. Or maybe it was the warmth that tickled her heart when he braided their daughter's hair. 

Maybe it was just him. 

When she turned to face him, only one thought ran through her. He was so handsome. The glimmer of shine from his sparkling blue eyes was hypnotic. His light brown mane of hair was so perfectly styled, it was hard to believe it was in shambles just a half hour earlier. 

He presented her with the golden cuff links he couldn't manage himself and she took in the scent of his cologne, the soft touch of his skin as her fingers grazed his wrist before he realized she couldn't help him. He turned instead to Liz to snap the ornaments into place. 

Her stare left his cuffs and streamed up his shirt. A white shirt is usually just a white shirt, but not on this man. He looked different in it. On Jed, it was more professional. More powerful. More presidential. His outer beauty notwithstanding, Abbey found herself mesmerized by his stature. His confidence glowed as his commanding presence had turned the room into a silent sanctuary. 

His kindness and affection had originally grabbed her attention, but what she saw now drove her deeper into the depths of comprehension. This was the essence of the person she had married, the one to whom she had pledged her lifelong commitment, and finally, about that, there wasn't even a hint of confusion. She understood why.

"Is everyone ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. I think so."

Ellie chased Liz towards the car while Abbey stared at a roaming Jed. He picked up his jacket and flipped it over his head in the famous Jed Bartlet maneuver.

He immediately noticed her smile in response. "What?"

"Why do you put on your jacket like that?"

"It's something I learned to do a few years ago."

"Why?"

"Shoulder injury. I had an accident in Boston."

"What kind of accident?"

He paused for a moment, his hesitation apparent. But it soon faded, losing the battle to honesty. "I ran into some thugs with a knife."

Her face paled as she absorbed the words. But instead of remembering the fact that she was the one who found her husband, injured and bloodied in an alleyway, Abbey's thoughts drifted to her own attack. A split second of a painful memory in which she tried to fight off the shiny blade of a knife meant for her body altered her attitude completely. 

"Abbey?" he called out to her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you that."

"No, I'm glad you did. I just hate that anyone hurt you." 

She wanted to ask more. She wanted details of the night that defined the permanent scars to his shoulder. But fear kept her quiet. Fear that, in turn, she'd remember her own attack, her own attacker, her own fight for her life. She wasn't ready to remember that yet.

So instead, she fixated on his hands as they tightened the tie already situated around his neck. "Are you okay?"

"Of course," she lied, unwilling to admit that another flash burned her mind with an image of a similar tie, one that kept scraping against her eyes during the struggle with the person who accosted her that fateful night.

She had become a master of denial in the two weeks since she stumbled into that hospital. Her physical therapy barely started, she was having doubts about continuing. Her psychological therapy had been postponed by choice. She wouldn't push herself. She had said that repeatedly. She would avoid what she couldn't handle and focus on what she could - a philosophy that seemed to benefit Jed, at least for now.

"I wanted to ask you something," she started.

"Sure. What is it?"

She nervously bit down on her lip. "Before you came to pick up Ellie last week, you had asked me if I wanted to have dinner with you."

"Yeah?"

"I'd like to do that now. Maybe tomorrow. Whenever you have time."

"With the girls?"

"Just us this time. I'd like to talk."

Optimism clouding every other thought, Jed swallowed his breath to keep from erupting into joyful tears. 

"Okay," he simply answered as he extended his hand to lead her out the door. 

 

TBC


	9. Say You Love Me Too

"You can make all the sad faces you want, you're not going to win this one."

Jed's warning fell on deaf ears as Lizzie's expression remained the same. Her face stoic and unaffected, she held her stare in the mirror where he stood as he combed through his hair. His eyes wandered to the side to take notice of his daughter's reflection, but he refused to acknowledge her stubbornness. 

Instead, he continued to button his shirt. "We'll try to be home soon."

"It's not fair. I always do everything you tell me to."

"Yes, you do," he admitted. "Most of the time."

"Then why won't you ever let me do what I want to do?"

"Lizzie, you're too young to stay home alone with your little sister. Ask me again in a couple of years and maybe I'll change my mind."

Instinctively, she hopped on the bed and stood on the mattress with a can of hair spray aimed at her father's head. "In a couple of years, I won't want to babysit."

"Then problem solved." He smiled at the exasperated way she dropped her hands to her side, then reached down to inspect the can. "Are you sure this stuff is okay to use on men's hair?"

"Yes. Mommy uses it on hers."

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but she's a woman. I'm asking about men."

"Is there a difference between men's hair and a women's hair?"

Rather than answer a question he didn't actually have an answer to, he bent his knees slightly to give her a target. "Okay, spray."

A light mist of aerosol momentarily surrounded them as Liz plopped down onto the bed to sit with her feet dangling off the edge. "Can Paige take us out for ice cream?"

"I took you out for ice cream yesterday." He stopped himself as he realized the sadness in yet another sigh. "If Paige wants to take you, she can take you. But I don't want you bugging her about it."

"Okay." Finally, a smile. It was good to see, no matter how short-lived it was. "Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

Her knuckles clasped, Liz twirled her fingers around one another. "Who hurt her?" 

There was no need to elaborate. Jed knew exactly what she meant.

"Your mom just had an accident, Sweetie." Of course it was a lie, but it was one she hadn't challenged before. He didn't expect that she would challenge it now.

He was wrong. 

"Don't lie to me." 

Stunned, Jed turned towards her and gingerly approached, sinking down to his knees in front of the bed. "We don't know what happened. That's the truth."

"When will we know?"

"I can't answer that. It's very complicated, Lizzie."

Too complicated, in fact, for even Jed to understand, let alone explain to his eleven-year-old daughter. The mystery of that night would haunt the entire family until Abbey could regain the memories that would solve the puzzle. 

"You believe me?" he asked in reaction to her blank stare. 

She nodded slowly at first. He ran his fingers towards her arms, tugging on them to tickle her as her girlish giggle filled the room. 

"I believe you!" she screamed out in the midst of the laughter.

"Okay then. Now hurry up and help me finish. Your mom's going to be ready before I am."

Little did he know that Abbey had a similar distraction as she prepared for their dinner. Ellie sat on the counter in the bathroom and thumbed through her mother's makeup. Her experimentation was slowing Abbey's progress considerably. 

"Can I wear this?"

"What did I tell you the last several times you asked?"

"No."

"What do you think I'm going to say now?"

She thought for a moment, then enthusiastically nodded her head. "Yes."

Noticeably amused, Abbey leaned forward and tweaked the little girl's nose. "I don't think so. You only want to wear make-up when Lizzie and I are wearing it."

"I wanna look like you and Lizzie."

Smart way to appeal to her mother. "All right, sit still," Abbey directed as she applied a little bit of gloss to Ellie's lips. "There you go."

It was enough to make the four-year-old's face light up when she turned to the mirror. "Thank you!"

"You're welcome."

The image that ran through Abbey's mind wasn't unexpected. She had seen these visions before. Visions of Lizzie helping her sift through her makeup. Visions of Ellie watching from a distance. Visions of her squirting both her daughters with perfume as the three of them prepared for an evening. These were scenes that she longed to remember. They were scenes that weren't threatening or scary. And they were never before mingled with scenes that terrified her. 

But that was about to change. A knock at the door disturbed the flow of warm memories that overwhelmed her. 

"I'll get it!" Liz called out as she ran from her parent's bedroom. 

In a matter of seconds, she swung the door open to greet Paige. In those few moments, Abbey's mind wandered slightly off-path. They were no longer actual memories taking root in her brain. These images were ones that were invented for the sole purpose of frightening her. She struggled with her inability to place them, to put them in context and discover their true meaning.

She nearly shut down at the pictures she saw. While reminiscent of the ones that raced through her when she'd accidentally remember portions of her attack, these were different. Scarier. In these images, it wasn't her being attacked. It was Elizabeth. 

Before she could stop it, her temper rose rapidly. "ELIZABETH!" she yelled. "You didn't even ask who it was!"

"I knew who it was."

"No, you didn't! You just assumed it was Paige."

"It WAS Paige."

"That isn't the point!"

Responding to the shouting, Jed curiously joined his family in the living room. "What's going on?"

He was ignored as Abbey focused all her attention on Liz. "From now on, you don't open the door by yourself at night. Do you understand?" Her voice was harsh and forceful. Her question didn't garner any kind of reply, which only made her angrier. She asked again, firmer this time. "Do you understand?" 

"Yes," Liz answered with pursed lips, obviously resentful at her mother's tone.

The short confrontation temporarily dashed Abbey's hopes of a maturing relationship with Liz. The tension seemed to grow one day just to disappear the next. It was an unstable, unhealthy battle that scarred the dynamic between the two and left Jed quietly watching from the sidelines, debating intervention at every turn. 

\- - -

"Abbey?" Jed called her name when he they were alone at the restaurant. She had been distant and quiet ever since they left home. 

"I'm sorry."

"Are you thinking about Lizzie?"

"I just don't know why I reacted like that."

"You had a point. I mean, she really should be more careful."

"Yes, but that should have come from you. Not me."

"You're her mother. You have every right to correct her when she makes a mistake."

"Correct her? Is that what I did or did I just humiliate her in front of everyone?"

"It'll be okay. You'll talk things out tomorrow."

"Maybe." Her fingers circled her glass of water as she gazed at him across the table. "Tonight isn't supposed to be about the girls. It's supposed to be about us."

"That's what I was told," he replied with a grin.

"I want you to tell me about you and me. I want to know everything."

Reaching into his pocket with one hand, he held her palm with the other. "This will make things easier," he said as he slipped the chain of a necklace between her fingers.

She examined the ruby-centered silver pendant. "It's beautiful." 

He flipped it around, allowing her a look at the engraving on the back. "The story of us."

"It's a locket."

"It is. I gave it to you our first Christmas together. It has pictures of us before our wedding and a few pictures after, up until Lizzie's birth."

Abbey opened the latch and turned the solid flaps as if turning the pages of a storybook, each page illustrated with a photograph that piqued her interest, and in some cases, even filled her with that recognizable feeling of familiarity. 

"It's so beautiful."

"Here." Jed moved his chair to the side of the table so they could both glance at the photos. "This one right here," he started as he pointed to the first one, "that's a trip we took to Martha's Vineyard with your friends. We had been dating about six months. It's where we first said the 'L' word."

"And we first made love?" she asked, her eyes transfixed on the image.

He shook his head, fondly thinking of that weekend. "No. We started to, but we decided to wait until..." He stopped suddenly as his eyes widened. "Abbey, do you remember? Do you remember us trying to..."

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. You do remember, don't you?" 

His face beaming with emotion, Abbey couldn't say no. She relied on the hazy recollection to appease him. "I do, a little."

"Oh, thank God."

Eager to please, she allowed his prompting as they strolled through the first year of their lives together. It was easy enough. He did most of the talking, though he looked to her for an occasional nod, acknowledgment that she was onboard with his trip down memory lane. 

The truth was, she only remembered bits and pieces. That was no small feat, of course, since, until now, she was practically oblivious to her life with Jed. But his encouragement was so motivating, his excitement so overpowering. 

She let go of her inhibitions as she saw quick flashes of a handsome, debonair Jed at a New Year's Eve party. Their first meeting, according to his narrative. He guided her through their first Fourth of July, making up after a fight that kept them separated for five weeks, then snuggling together on a blanket as they enjoyed the fireworks above. She remembered that too. 

Most of it anyway. 

He reminded her that she first proposed to him. He rejected her. But it wasn't a real rejection. It was Jed's way of throwing her off-track while he sat her down and propped himself on one knee with an engagement ring ready to slip on her finger. 

That was the last memory she shared with him. As he continued to talk about their courtship and their wedding, she didn't dare tell him the rest of it was shadowed in painful images she wanted to avoid. It was no longer just her life. It was her life interspersed with flashes of the night she was attacked. She didn't know why. She didn't know how. But at times, as her mind worked hard to conjure up her misplaced memories, it sandwiched them between the event that caused her to lose them in the first place. 

The sweet feelings that loomed through the air now brought with them a sinister undercurrent of images she couldn't escape. At least, not as long as she allowed her mind to delve into the past. She was desperate to swallow the anxiety that was slowly rising. And so, she put up a barrier against the memories to rid herself of the trigger.

Instead of admitting that she was freely surrendering to what she wasn't ready to face, Abbey continued the facade that made Jed so happy. Without malicious intent, she led him to believe her recovery was within reach, that their lives would soon be repaired.

\- - -

After dinner, Abbey accepted Jed’s hand as he helped her across a covered pedestrian bridge overlooking the Connecticut River. Sheltered under the wood carving above, they sat on the edge of the pavement between the railings of the large structure that spanned the waterway that separated the state of New Hampshire from the state of Vermont.

"So this is where you and Lizzie disappear to every Friday?"

"Pretty much. It's just a little tradition we started in Boston."

"With the ice cream?" she asked, lifting the scoop in her hand.

"The ice cream's the whole point," he laughed. "I try to get Ellie to come too. She usually doesn't."

"Why not?"

"You know how kids are. They're almost always closer to one parent than the other."

"And Ellie prefers to hang out with me," she concluded as he looked out to the water. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"When you were growing up, which parent were you closer to?"

It was questions like that that urged him to push her through this. He wanted to be patient, but any reference to something that wasn't just part of their past, but something that defined who they were today, made him crazy with frustration.

"My mom. Definitely my mom," he answered. "Listen, when do you see that shrink again?"

"She's a psychiatrist," she corrected. "Thursday. Why?"

"I was just thinking that maybe I should go with you to one of these sessions."

"Why?" she asked cautiously.

"It's been three weeks, Abbey, and you're starting to make progress, but it's still slow."

"I didn't realize there was a time limit."

"I don't want to push."

"You just want me to remember as soon as possible."

"Yeah. Not just because of me. Because of the girls and because of you. Also, I want you to be able to talk to the police about that night."

She shuddered at the mere suggestion. She wasn't even ready to admit what happened, let alone tell anyone else about it and risk having to face her attacker during the judicial process. "I don't know if that's going to happen."

"It can. I know it can. I've been doing some reading and it sounds like one of the best options with this kind of illness is hypnosis."

"It's not an illness, Jed. It's a condition." Her voice held a detectable level of hostility.

"Fine. A condition. I'm sorry. That's what I meant."

"I'm not doing hypnosis. Not now."

"When?"

"I don't know. Maybe never."

He slid closer, physically closing the gap between them as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Just let me go with you?"

She nodded silently and squirmed from his hold. One step forward. Two steps backwards. 

She held the railing for support as she stood up to move towards the car. "Let’s go."

With his eyes closed and his fingers rubbing his forehead, Jed took a deep breath. He couldn't allow his dominating opinions to widen the rift between them. He couldn't push her over that edge for he didn't know if he would ever get her back if he did.

\- - -

After a long, quiet drive home, Jed took Abbey’s hand in his just as she turned from him to head into the den. "I'm sorry. I know I upset you tonight."

"It's not your fault. I'm just overwhelmed."

"I love you, Abbey," he assured her with unambiguous sincerity. "I know you barely remember us, but I love you."

She leaned in and gently pressed her lips to his cheek. Their fingers lingered between one another for a second longer before she turned to leave him. 

Opting not to sleep in the master bedroom, even though he offered to let her have it to herself, Abbey retreated to the sofabed in the den Jed used as a study. This is was what she called her room since the day she moved back in. Here, she spent most nights wide awake, contemplating her next step in getting her old life back from the person who tried to destroy it. Here, she privately cried mournful tears for the pain that had been inflicted on her family.

Here, she'd secretly play the song she heard the night of Lizzie's recital. 

As everyone else slept. she lowered the hand on the small record player in the corner of the room. She expected to be enticed by the melody, just as she had been before. 

She wasn't disappointed.

A brief memory of herself swaying in Jed's arms was quickly invaded with emotion. Strong sensations she couldn't deny had made their way through every roadblock she had in place. And instead of fighting them off, this time, she welcomed them. Her lips moved to the lyrics as her body finally relaxed.

Vieni su, vieni su  
Come along through the years with me  
Can't you see how I adore you  
And how long I waited for you

Vieni su, vieni su  
Won't you say you love me too

She slipped under her blanket and allowed the song to continue as she drifted off to the first peaceful sleep in three weeks. 

 

TBC


	10. Say You Love Me Too

"And then what?"

"And then I realize that I can't do anything to help them. I can't take away their pain and I can't protect my girls from the same thing."

"The same thing?"

"That happened to me."

To an untrained eye, it would almost seem as if Abbey recounted her nightmares with very little emotion, but to Dr. Susan Hunter, it was troubling to see her colleague so disturbed by the content that she refused to acknowledge the raw wounds. 

Abbey leaned back against the plush-cushioned chair, her hands clasped neatly on her lap. Her voice remained monotone, a spark of inflection being drowned out by a conscious effort to swallow her fear. 

This is what frightened her most. 

Delving into the depths of her mind, of her memory, of her subconscious - a subconscious that sheltered her from the horror of one night - would destroy her. 

But even greater than the panic-stricken anxiety she wanted to keep hidden, was a desire to remember the last fourteen years of her life. For weeks, she strived to do one without the other, but at times, a seemingly coincidental collision would occur, forcing her to surrender her memories of her family in order to avoid memories of her attacker. 

"I don't understand the connection," she said to Susan.

"There probably isn't one."

"Then why can't I remember one without the other?"

"In some cases you can. The problem is that your mind is ready to heal and sometimes, memories come flooding back. They're not isolated the way you'd prefer and you're afraid of that. So when you remember something about Jed, you can't get your mind to compartmentalize the attack."

Abbey nervously brushed a strand of hair from her face. "Is that typical?"

"There is no typical when we're talking about what we're talking about. I would have expected you to remember things in order, from the earliest memories to the most recent. I would have expected that the memories of the attack itself would be buried at least until you heal physically. But that didn't happen." Susan leaned forward towards her patient. "I wonder if you're now trying to consciously protect yourself from what you don't want to know."

"You think I'm doing this on purpose?" Abbey asked, a hint of accusation in her tone.

"No, not at all. I think you're scared of the unknown. And that's what we need to deal with."

Susan was right and Abbey knew it. She was barreling deeper into a hell she didn't want to face. She would sacrifice her progress for the reward of ignorance. At least then, she was in control.

As the women continued the session inside the confines of the sound-proofed office, Jed sat in the waiting room. He, too, clasped his hands around one another, but unlike Abbey, his fidgety nature soon took over. His elbows rested on his knees as his thumbs circled each other. Every few minutes, he'd lift his head with his body still slouched over. Curiosity is what motivated him, frustration is what outraged him. 

He was shut out of the session for Abbey's own good. That's what Susan had told him. That's what he was pressured to accept. But after three and a half weeks of torment, his wife wasn't the only one in need of professional care. 

The immeasurable toll on the entire family was obvious. Only Ellie seemed to be adjusting without fully understanding the impact of a single incident that changed all their lives. Elizabeth flailed between strong emotions of sadness and deep-seeded feelings of optimism. Now that her mother was home, she was certainly happier than she was the week she was away, but her carefree nature had been visibly suppressed.

And Jed. He worked so hard to hide his disappointment every time Abbey would ask a question or make a reference to something she should already know. He wanted to be gentle with her, if that's what would help. He wanted to push her, if that would do any good. He wanted to do whatever he could to rush the process along. But nothing he did seemed to garner any positive results, leaving him feeling as powerless as everyone else. 

Every day that passed closed a small portion of the gap between him and the overwhelming anger he was trying to keep at bay. But today was different. On this day, he didn't try to smother the anger. He welcomed it. He cherished it. He wanted to feel as much rage as possible and he wanted to be the one to control it. 

With the anger, came guilt. The guilt was the part that ate away at him, caused his stomach to do flip-flops, and consumed him with a trembling tingle that inhibited his logical thoughts.

As a husband, he failed. He had vowed to take care of Abbey for the rest of his life. He vowed to keep her safe. He promised her father he always would. He would have planted himself in a hail of bullets to save her from the pain she was going through now. But when she needed him most, he wasn't there. He wasn't there in that parking lot the night she was taken. He wasn't there when she cried out for his help. 

Her cries went unanswered. And today, it all hit home. 

He allowed himself to drift into a trance that filled his brain with ideas. Incomplete ideas. He had never felt this way before. When Jed Bartlet wanted vengeance, he always had a target in mind, whether it was taking action against the city when Lizzie was injured in the Boston busing controversy, or finally standing up to his father before he could infiltrate himself in his granddaughter's life, or challenging Elliot Roush on the floor of the State House over bills he found discriminatory. He always had a place to direct his fury.

But not this time. This time, he was chasing a phantom. He was after a person he couldn't identify. A person he couldn't imagine. And that was the most infuriating part. 

"Jed?" Susan called, interrupting his thoughts.

He leapt to his feet, eager to see his wife. "Yes?"

Abbey walked slowly past Susan's frame and towards her husband. Her demeanor more subdued than when she went in, she took a seat beside him. "She wants to see you."

He moved calmly into the office and watched as Susan closed the door. "What's wrong? What did Abbey say?"

"This isn't about Abbey. This is about you."

"Me? I'm not your patient."

"No, you're not. But I'm not talking to you in an official capacity right now. I'm talking to you, not as your wife's doctor, but as your wife's colleague and friend."

Dumbfounded, he asked her to elaborate. "What?"

"Are you pressuring her?"

"No," he answered firmly, his steely eyes piercing into hers.

"The less overwhelmed Abbey feels, the faster things will fall into place."

"I'm not pressuring her," he repeated, a little softer this time. "At least not intentionally."

She inhaled a rapid breath in agreement. "I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, but I also know how important it is that she remembers you..."

"She does remember me. She has some memories."

"You want her to remember it all."

"I want her to remember her life, yes. I want her to remember her daughters." He stiffened a bit as he continued. "I want her to remember the person who did this to her." 

The last part was spoken with such coldness that his body language even changed.

"That may never happen." Susan warned. "Sometimes, those kinds of memories, memories of a person who hurt us, are buried so deep in our subconscious that they may never surface."

"That's unacceptable."

"Jed..."

"No, it's unacceptable! Abbey is going to remember." He crossed in front of her to the other side of the square-shaped room. "She'll remember that night, she'll remember who did this, and he'll pay for it. That's the way it works."

"And what if it doesn't?" 

He spun back around on her. "It will." 

His conviction infallible, Susan raised her head, shooting him a clear indication of disapproval. "This is what's going to destroy her."

"That's crazy."

"No, it isn't," she quickly countered. "You weren't like this during her last session. You were loving and caring and gentle. What happened?"

"I'm still loving and caring and gentle."

"Yes, you are. To Abbey, you are. But today, you're also filled with anger. What happened?"

"Nothing."

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing."

His insistence was met with a cynical sigh as Susan plopped back down in her chair and conceded. "Okay."

Jed closed his eyes with relief. The thoughts that had been going through him earlier were to be protected and shielded from scrutiny until he was ready to confront them. But at the moment, there was only one person he wanted to turn to. Someone could offer him guidance and help him find his way out of a dark, guilt and anger-laced abyss.

And that's where he headed after he left Abbey.

\- - -

"Jed?" Father Cavanaugh stood just behind the pews when his former altar boy walked in.

"Hi. I know I didn't call..."

"What else is new?" he joked.

"Do you have a few minutes?"

The depths of his desperation were obvious from the way he asked that question. Those six words were spoken with such despair that Tom quickly realized it had taken everything in the world for Jed to ask them. 

With a reassuring nod, he gestured towards a seat. "Is this okay, or would you prefer to come to my office?"

"I'd rather we do this in the office. I don't think I want to be right here when I say what I want to say."

A rather ominous statement that didn't go by unnoticed. This is where Jed liked to talk. This is where he always received counsel. Things had changed and if not apparent by the way he walked and the way he spoke, it was surely apparent by the sudden request for a change of venue.

"Better?" Tom asked as they reached his office.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"How's Abbey?"

His nerves on-edge, Jed refused to sit. "I've been...all day, I've been trying to wrap my mind around protocol and the right thing. And I can't do it."

"What can't you do?"

"This morning, before I took Abbey to her session with Dr. Hunter, I went to see the police. You know, for weeks, I've been concentrating so much on Abbey that I overlooked everything else. I buried my anger towards the person who did this to her. To us."

"So you wanted to find out what progress they made on the investigation?"

"Do you know much about this condition...this type of amnesia?" Jed's thoughts seemed to be scattered with no cohesive bond. 

Tom just nodded and waited for him to make sense of it all. "No."

"I didn't either. So I read up on it. I've been doing a lot of reading." His hands ran furiously through his hair. "The person blocks out what's too painful to remember. I knew that. But I've been trying to figure out what happened to Abbey. What did that bastard do to her that caused her to forget me, to forget her daughters."

"What did you find out, Jed?" Tom asked, trying to direct him towards admitting the source of his distress.

"Nothing. Well, that's not true. They did tell me something. But nothing that will make a difference. They don't know who they're looking for. They don't know anything and according to everyone I've talked to, Abbey may never remember the person who did this. That person may get away with it."

"He'll never get away with it. He'll pay a price."

"Please, Tom, don't bring Him into it right now. I'm not talking about God's wrath. I'm talking about justice."

"So am I. And so are you, or else you wouldn't be here. We're all held accountable, Jed."

Jed took a breath and turned sharply towards the door, unable to look Tom in the eye. "We don't know who did this and suddenly, today, I wonder if that's a curse or a blessing because honest to God, I'm scared."

Tom stood and reached out to Jed's shoulder, turning him gently. "Of what?"

"Of what I'll do to the son of a bitch if they ever find him."

"Jed, what happened when you went to see the police this morning?"

"I want them to find this guy. I want Abbey to remember him. But, at the same time, I'm afraid of what that will do to her. Emotionally. Psychologically."

"You're not answering my question. What started all this?"

Jed brushed by Tom in a confused effort to veer off subject. "You know they can do excellent things with science now? Ever since the discovery of DNA, forensics experts have been storing evidence in the hopes that maybe someday, someone will figure out a way to use DNA to prove whether or not someone committed a crime, whether it's their fingerprints, their saliva, their blood, their hair on the crime scene."

"They're close to doing that."

Jed shrugged, indifferent to Tom's statement. "In the meantime, they do the best they can."

"Okay."

"So, the police, the night of the attack, they found a latex glove about a block away from wherever the crime took place. You know, like the kind that healthcare professionals wear."

"Yeah?"

"It's the kind that Abbey wears at the hospital. Most of the nurses and doctors do. At least, when they come into contact with someone who's contagious."

"You think the glove is connected to Abbey's attack?"

"The police think the glove they found belonged to a man. It was an extra large and it looked like it had been stretched. They think it belonged to the man who did this."

"Do you mean that someone at the hospital may be responsible..."

Jed ignored his question before he had a chance to finish it. "So I asked them why they think the man who attacked Abbey wore this glove. I mean, the hospital's right there. Anyone could have dropped a glove or forgotten to properly dispose of it, right?"

"Right."

"But the cop said, off the record, they found evidence...not from the attacker, but Abbey. They don't know for sure. They just put it under their microscope. But they found something of hers on the glove. Maybe someday when they can positively identify it, they can use it in court." 

"When they learn to use DNA," Tom concluded. 

Visibly upset, Jed seemed to almost ramble. "Yeah. But right now, they just have to rely on whatever they have in the forensic lab."

"And what did they tell you?"

"So I asked what they found. Was it a hair, a strand of her beautiful auburn hair? They said no. I asked if it was her blood? No, it wasn't that either. So I asked was it her saliva?" 

He shook his head again.

"What was it?"

"I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean, it makes sense. She was attacked for God's sake!"

"Jed?"

"You want to know what it was? You want to know what they think my wife left behind? What they found of Abbey's on that glove?"

"Yes."

"Her tears," Jed replied as Tom fell silent with the somber words. "And somehow to me, the person who's supposed to keep her safe and happy, that's so much worse than anything else."

 

TBC


	11. Say You Love Me Too

Gripping a Nerf ball is a task so simple even a small child could do it, usually with no problem. The foamy sphere presents very little resistance as it adapts its shape to the indentations made by the fingertips. And that very quality, which makes it an ideal toy for youngsters, also makes it a valuable commodity for physical therapists.

But unlike children, patients who are forced to exploit the advantages of the ball as a method of healing frequently wage war against the challenge.

Patients like Abbey.

"I can't do it!" she cried as her fingers just barely grazed the yellow foam.

Hal Johnson stood in front of her, his hands crossed over his chest and very little sympathy escaping his strong exterior. "Yes, you can."

Abbey looked at him with pleading eyes. Her back was pressed against her chair and beads of sweat trickled down her face, colliding with a few stray tears that she finally allowed to fall. 

"It hurts!"

"I know it does," he assured her as he gently tried to bend her fingers to sculpt the round surface. "But you have to do this."

The pain in her hands overpowered her. Every attempt to squeeze the globe-like object made her feel as if the wounds on her palm were opening up again. It wasn't worth it. Not to her.

"I'm done," she declared as she dropped the ball and rose from her seat.

"Abbey."

"I said I'm done. I can't do it." She dabbed the corner of her eyes with a tissue, wiping away any residual wetness.

"Should I call Jed? You were doing much better when he was here with you last time."

"I don't need Jed. I'm telling you I know my limits. I can't do this."

"How many times are you going to say that word?"

"What word?"

"Can't."

"As many times as you need to hear it," she sniped as she yanked on the hem of her royal blue sweatshirt to pull it down over the top of her pants.

Hal stood behind her, softening his approach when she turned towards him. "I know this is hard. I know you're overwhelmed. But I also know you're healing quite nicely, both on the inside and the outside. You're starting to get your memory back, right?"

"Jed told you?"

"Yes, he did. He said it's only a matter of time. And once that happens, there's no reason you can't get back to this hospital and continue to be one of the best residents we have on staff. The only thing that's going to hold you back is your inability to use your hands."

She may have forgotten all her years of study, but she hadn't forgotten her devotion to the field of medicine. A commitment that began out of admiration for her grandmother, a physician when Abbey was in grade school, was still alive and well inside her.

Hal knew the right buttons to push. He had known her since she began her residency. All the traits he admired most about her were now the ones he could use to motivate her. 

Vulnerable to that realization, Abbey's wall of refusal began to crumble. "I don't know how...it's not happening."

"Sit down," he directed. 

As she took her seat, he bent forward from behind her and placed the ball back in her palm. Slowly, he eased her fingers down to close the gap between them. She wiggled against the pain, letting out a few soft moans at the same time. But as her hands closed nearly completely, her discomfort grew rapidly.

"Ow!"

"It's okay." He released his grip as she let out a sigh. "Abbey, I know you. You're as tough as they come. Don't tell me you're afraid of a little pain."

"It's not a little!" she snapped, twisting her body to face him. "It's excruciating! Every time you put that damn thing in my hand, it feels like they're being sliced all over again!"

"You remember that?"

"What?"

"The pain of your hands being cut. You remember what that felt like?"

It hadn't occurred to her, but she did. To her horror, she remembered every agonizing slash. The burning sensation that coursed through her hands and extended to her wrists and arms had been revived through therapy.

"No," she lied. "I just meant that I imagine it probably hurt as much as this does."

"No one lied to you, Abbey." His momentary pause sparked her suspicion. "No one told you this would be easy." With a sigh of relief from Abbey, he continued. "But you've done difficult things before. Hell, you got through medical school, didn't you? That isn't exactly a piece of cake."

"It wasn't like this."

"How do you know? You don't even remember it." Her steely stare reminded him of the imaginary line between them. "I'm sorry."

The truth was, she did remember it. Some of it. She remembered Jed sitting across from her on the sofa, grilling her in preparation for the USMLE. She remembered the way five-year-old Lizzie would sit on Jed's lap and answer the questions her mother would get wrong. She remembered the way Jed cuddled up with her in bed at the end of the day and read to her as she fell asleep because her own eyes were too tired to glance over the small letters in the textbook.

His cheerleading is what got her through her third year of med school. He believed in her at a time when even she didn't believe in herself. Her eyes itched with irritation as they filled with tears. She remembered it. She remembered it all - his words of encouragement, his dedication to all-night study sessions, his undying support of her dream.

He loved her with all his heart. Never before was it so obvious.

Once upon a time, with Jed's support, she thought she could do anything. It was all coming back to her. Nothing, not even a scary knifer could destroy that feeling. But now, she had to reach deep within herself to ask for Jed's help. In order to do that, she'd first have to fight off the demons that consumed her desire to bury her lost memories and mourn their permanent demise.

A chore that was much harder than she expected.

"This isn't going to work today, Hal. Not today."

"When?"

"I don't know," she replied as calmly as possible. "On Tuesday? I just don't feel well today."

"Are you sick?"

"I'm feeling faint and lightheaded. I think I'm coming down with something." Hal pursed his lips and lowered his head. "I don't care if you don't believe me."

"I didn't say I don't believe you."

Desperate to avoid a confrontation, she ignored his tone. "I should go." 

She walked past him, her shoulder barely brushing his as she headed towards the door. 

Everyone who knew Abbey Bartlet knew that when she wanted something, nothing could stop her. Her stubbornness and fortitude combined to make her a determined woman, surpassing naysayers every step of the way. But that determination, which always guided her like a best friend, was quickly becoming her worst enemy. 

Abbey's priorities had changed. She couldn't turn to Jed. She couldn't admit her fear. Instead of embarking on the path towards healing, she battled against it as her body's natural defenses railed around her to shelter her from harm. 

No one - not even Jed - knew that over the course of a week, she had intentionally regressed. He was led to believe the opposite, in fact. His hope and optimism raised to the highest levels imaginable, he waited patiently for her to recover. 

Well, somewhat patiently. 

His patience was reserved for Abbey, but his temper was unleashed on practically everyone else.

"I want to know how close you are to finding this guy," he demanded as he barreled into the police station and stopped beside Detective Harkin, the lead officer on the case.

"As I told you last week..."

"I don't give a damn about last week!" he interjected. "Lets talk this week. What else do you know?"

"Mr. Bartlet, we are doing the best we can."

"You didn't answer my question."

"It's the only answer I have. Until your wife remembers more about that night, we're at a standstill. We've searched for witnesses, interviewed hospital staff, and combed the entire radius several times."

Jed waved his hands to stop the detective. "Was this person a hospital employee?"

"We can't say for sure."

"What the hell CAN you say?"

Harkin turned from him and reached for a large box filled with manila file folders. Each one was decorated with a red or blue clear tab with a name stuffed inside. 

"You see these?" he asked as he slammed the box onto his desk, deliberately causing a loud crash to resonate throughout the room. 

"Are those the other cases you're working on?"

"These are the ones we're ready to close. They're unsolved."

That word brought with it so many inconceivable connotations. Just the thought of the person who ripped his family apart walking the Earth without ever having to face the consequences of his reprehensible act was enough to make him physically ill.

A wave of nausea crashed over him as his knees weakened at the possibility. A stranger had taken his wife against her will. He had hurt her both physically and emotionally. Images of Abbey frightened and alone, crying as she pled for her life filled him with a rage so strong that it shook him to his core. 

No one heard her tears that night. No one rushed to her aide. No one helped her. She was left alone to find her way out of the terrifying situation. And she did. She fought back. Somehow, she escaped the clutches of a psychopath. Her hands torn and bloodied, her clothes ripped and sliced, she wobbled down an abandoned road back to the hospital. Her strength crashing, she barely made it inside before she collapsed. 

That's how hard she fought to live. 

With everything inside her, she clawed her way back to him that night. He couldn't let her down now. He wouldn't allow her story to sit in a file on Detective Harkin's desk. It wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. He would make sure of that.

\- - -

Like a kaleidoscope brimming with detached patterns to form an endless array of designs, Jed’s mind raced with free ideas, only connected out of a desire for justice. There were so many things he had to do. So many he wanted to do. It was almost impossible to know where to start. 

Almost.

"Dan? This is Jed Bartlet." He spoke into the phone with a resolve so apparent, it immediately diminished any trace of desperation. "Listen, that bill...the mandatory prison sentences for crimes against women...you've got yourself a co-sponsor."

He couldn't help feeling that no matter what step he took now, it was still too little, too late. The legislative session was ending with virtually no hope for a vote on the controversial proposal until the following February. He had eight months to lobby for support. Eight months to ensure the bill's passage. Eight months to watch his guilt rise with every breath of regret for not backing the bill just a few weeks earlier.

But it was time to make up for that regret. He wanted to help Abbey remember what happened to her, to assist her in connecting the dots to find the person responsible for the agony they all suffered. 

And he wanted to start now.

When Abbey waltzed through the door, she didn't expect to find Jed rushing towards her. "Hi," she greeted cautiously.

"I'm so glad you're home," he replied as he led her to the sofa. "How was your appointment with Hal?"

"It was fine. Very productive." She was bending the truth with ease.

"Good."

"What are you so happy about?"

"I'm just hopeful."

"About?"

"I checked with a colleague of mine in the psychology department. He wrote a journal article on hysterical amnesia just last year."

"I wish you'd stop calling it that. There is a more scientific name for it."

"Sorry." He held the journal as he sat beside her. "The point is, I want you to read it with me. It includes so many things that haven't been in any of the books I've been reading."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that when memories come back sporadically instead of in order, like in your case, the chances are good that you'll make a full recovery. And that includes remembering the night of the attack. The possibility exists that if we go back there..."

"Back where?"

"To where it happened." Abbey tensed up at the queasiness in her stomach. "You could remember all of it." She didn't reply right away. "Abbey?"

"That's not exactly safe. Neither one of us is a psychological expert. Something could go wrong."

"Maybe we could get Dr. Hunter to go with us. It's worth considering." His excitement faded slightly as she wrapped her arms around her midsection. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just need us to move slower."

He took a hold of her hands and squeezed them gently as he spoke. "I want you to remember who did this to you, Abbey. I need you to remember that."

"I want that too." Yet another lie. She was getting good at this. "Just not so fast, okay?"

"Of course. Whatever you want."

He was so sweet and understanding. It pained her to admit the one thing he wanted her to remember was the one thing she was determined to block out forever. "So does the article mention the best way to jog a person's memory?"

"Yeah."

"Then what are you waiting for?" she asked with a smile so big that it hid the hurt she was actually feeling.

Jed returned the grin as he sat back against the cushions with one arm was draped around Abbey's shoulder, the other propping up the magazine between them.

Their eyes glazed over the words, deep concentration setting in as he began to read aloud. It never occurred to him they had such distinct goals. While he worked so hard to understand the mechanics behind her condition in an effort to help her remember, she read along with a different ambition. 

If she learned ways to help jump-start her memory, then maybe she'd learn ways to help kill it forever.

 

TBC


	12. Say You Love Me Too

With a couple of agitated sighs and a few glances down at his watch, Jed paced the waiting room. His patience had run out ten minutes earlier and now, his concern was beginning to show. Why hadn't Abbey come out yet? Why didn't her appointment end on time? 

She didn't know he would be there. He planned to surprise her with a lunch date. But when Dr. Susan Hunter's door finally swung open a half hour after it was supposed to, it was Jed who stood shell-shocked. 

The patient inside wasn't Abbey.

"Jed?" Susan called out to him as she waved her hand in front of his frozen eyes.

"Where's Abbey?" he asked.

"She's not here."

"What do you mean she's not here? Where is she?"

Susan walked around him to check her appointment sheet. Jed hovered nearby, still waiting for an explanation. "She canceled."

"When?"

"When she canceled the last one," she said without a moment of hesitation.

"When was that?"

"Last week."

Amazed that he had been kept in the dark, he pressed her for more. "She's missed two appointments? Why?"

"You'll have to talk to her about that."

"I'm talking to you. Is there something I should know?" Her blank stare didn't discourage him. "Please. I just want to help her."

"I don't think Abbey is ready for this yet. She isn't ready to remember."

"Not ready? Not ready to remember her past? How can she not be ready?"

"As I said, that's something you need to discuss with her."

Discussions with Abbey weren't easy for Jed these days. Shackled by fear of causing her more stress, he held back his true emotions of guilt and anger. His feelings of failure were his to deal with, not Abbey's to console. 

But surprisingly, he wasn't the only one hiding things. Two therapy appointments had been canceled. She never said a word. In fact, she intentionally led him to believe she was getting better, that she was facing her demons, not surrendering to them. 

\- - -

Jed went home that afternoon to wait for her. But he didn't need to wait. Abbey was already there. Dressed in a burgundy velour jogging suit with a white t-shirt underneath, it was obvious she wasn't leaving the house, nor was she just returning. 

She stopped suddenly as she walked out of the den. "Hi."

"I thought you had an appointment with Dr. Hunter today."

Startled by the unexpected visit, she nodded slowly before she answered. "I did." 

"And then you had a physical therapy session with Hal."

"That's right." She turned from him with her eyes closed in anticipation of what was coming.

"And yet you're here."

"I wasn't feeling well," she stated bluntly as she walked past him and rounded the corner into the kitchen.

He followed behind, unwilling to accept her answer. "Oh, come on, Abbey. You weren't feeling well yesterday either."

"Well I guess I have the flu or something." A change of subject seemed like the most advantageous approach. "Do you want some tea?" 

"Or something," he muttered. 

His voice was nearly drowned out by the sound of the water. She held the kettle under the faucet and twisted her head to look at him. "What does that mean?"

"Last week, you told me you went to see Susan. You told me about it that night. You told me about the entire session." Like a dog with a bone, he refused to let go. He stood right behind her as she set the kettle on the stove and purposely turned the other way. "Except, you didn't go to see Susan then either. Because according to Susan, you canceled that one too."

"Are you checking up on me?" she asked with an undeniable edge to her voice.

"I want to know why you're canceling appointments."

"I just didn't feel like going."

"Why?"

"Jed, please."

Out of fear that the conversation would soon spiral out of control, he dropped his hands into his pocket and leaned against the counter across from her. 

"Abbey, you can tell me anything. You know that, don't you?" He took a step closer to her when it was obvious she was ignoring the question. "Honey, I just want to help. Please. Let me help you." Her eyes avoided his, but he could feel her quivering. "What are you so scared of?"

"I'm not."

"You're trembling. I'm looking at you and you're trembling. I've never seen you so afraid." His hand cupped her cheek softly, but she pulled away with a jolt.

She never had a reason to be this afraid before. She certainly wasn't ready to admit that she had one now. 

"I'm just not feeling well," she whispered as she turned off the stove, visibly irritated.

"I thought you wanted tea." He followed her out of the kitchen and back towards the living room.

"I changed my mind."

"Tell me what's going on." Still refusing to look at him, Abbey seemed to be walking around aimlessly. "You trust me, don't you?" He tenderly grabbed her shoulder then turned her towards him. "Don't you?"

She shrugged out of his grasp and coldly replied, "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that."

Her reaction stung. "If I wouldn't touch you?"

"If you wouldn't quiz me," she answered to his relief.

"This is something I have to know. I have to know that you trust me because for the life of me, Abbey, I can't understand why you don't want to put this all behind us."

She scoffed at the insensitive phrasing. "Put this behind us? You think it's that easy?"

"I never said it was easy. But in order to remember that night, you need Susan's help."

"I don't want her help, Jed." Her voice was strong, much more so than the vulnerability visible in the way she positioned herself in the corner with her arms folded in front of her.

"See, that's what I don't understand. Why wouldn't you want her to help you? She knows you. She knew you before..." Abbey lowered her head, as if tuning him out entirely. "Okay, fine. Then we'll just get you another doctor."

"No more doctors," she blurted out. "I am sick to death of everyone telling me what I need to do. I just want to be left alone."

"I want that for you too, Abbey. I swear I do. But this IS something we have to do."

"No, it isn't. It's something you need me to do. YOU need it, Jed. Not me."

"You just want to live in a cloud of ignorance?"

"Yes, yes, I do. Is that a problem?"

Annoyed, he allowed silence to linger for a few minutes before responding. "Yeah, it is. It's definitely a problem."

"There's nothing I can do about it. The memories just aren't coming. That happens sometimes."

"Not with you. You're starting to remember everything else. You remembered us..."

"No," she said softly as she shook her head.

"...our courtship, our wedding, our years in London..."

"NO!" It was louder this time. "No, Jed, I didn't. I don't remember anything about our wedding. I don't remember London. I barely remember dating you."

The cold, hard truth had barely escaped her lips and already, she regretted it. He closed his mouth tightly as he inhaled deeply several times to level his breathing. This was more than a sting. Her words were cruel and sharp, something he didn't expect. He turned around in place, rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand before he was ready to face her again.

"Why are you saying this?"

"It's the truth."

"I know you're upset, but you don't need to try to hurt me." 

"I never wanted to hurt you." Her eyes welled with tears at the face of the man before her. His frown now deeply embedded in his expression, he was silently pleading with her to take it back. But she couldn't. She had to come clean before she caused him any more pain. "But I'm afraid I already have."

"That night we went out together, you said you remembered. You were recalling the stories with me."

"No. You were the one talking most of the night. I just nodded and pretended that they were my memories too."

"Why?" His lips twitched as his temper rose rapidly. "WHY?"

"You were so happy. I didn't want to ruin our evening."

With a bitter laugh, he looked away from her. "You have the best intentions and the worst judgment of anyone I've ever known."

"I wanted to avoid this conversation."

"Of course you did!" he snapped. "You never wanted me to find out you lied to me. For a solid week, you've been lying to me."

"I wasn't ready to remember everything."

"You weren't ready to remember me?"

"It's not just about you!" Her voice rising, her fury was now matching his. "Why can't you understand that?"

"I don't know, Abbey! Why don't you help me out! Tell me what you have planned next. Make me see your way of thinking. Are you just going to curl up into a ball and forget all about me and the girls?" He stiffened his posture, preparing himself for her reply. "If that's what you want, tell me now."

She turned towards him and shook her head softly. "That isn't what I want."

There was still hope. The flame hadn't been extinguished. Not entirely. "Then I'll make an appointment with Dr. Hunter for tomorrow. I'll take you there myself."

"NO!" She made a dash for the phone just as he picked it up. "I'm not ready."

"Abbey..." He held on to the receiver and prevented her from snatching it out of his hands. "I'll be right there with you."

"I said no, Jed!" 

"Why?"

"I said no," she repeated.

She won. He let her win when he placed the phone back in its cradle. But he wanted more. "And I asked why."

"Stop pushing me!" she shouted, unleashing all her anger.

He expected the outburst. It didn't deter him in the slightest. "So just now when you said that you don't want to forget your family, you were lying then too?" The tilting of her head was his only reply. "Damn it, Abbey, what the hell do you want?"

"I want you to get off my back! I mean it. If you don't stop pressuring me, I'll pack my bags and walk right out that door and back to Boston."

"Don't do that. Don't threaten me."

"Then back off!"

His eyes pierced into hers with a steely stare. "No.”

"No?" she asked, her indignation subtly fading.

"No," he repeated, a bit firmer this time. 

"Fine." 

Confused when she turned to him, then away from him, he ran to her side, following barely a step behind as she circled the room. "Now I can really tell you don't remember us. If you did, you'd know we don't do this. We don't dish out ultimatums, we don't lie to one another, we don't treat each other like this." 

"Stop it. Leave me alone," she calmly requested.

Alarmed by what he saw when she lifted her head, he immediately grabbed her. "Abbey?" 

Her face was pale, nearly colorless. Her eyes showed clear signs of distress.

The back of her hand pressed against her forehead, she skirted around him. "I need to lie down."

"What is it?" He guided her to the sofa with his arm glued to her waist.

"I'm a little lighthead..." she trailed off as she dropped her weight onto him.

"Whoa! Abbey?" He brushed the hair off her face just as he sat her down on the middle cushion. "Abbey?"

"I really don't feel very well, Jed," she mumbled, her eyes fluttering.

"It's okay, Honey. We're going to the hospital," he assured her as he leaned forward to scoop her up into his arms. 

\- - -

Unsure of what to expect and terrified of the possibilities, Jed paced the waiting room once more. He had become good at this. The distinct smell, the sounds of phones ringing in the distance, of elevator doors opening and closing, the sight of men and women in white coats or green or blue scrubs was all too familiar to him now. And each and every time he was abandoned in a similar scene, he was on the outside looking in. Waiting. That was the hardest part. 

So when he was told he could finally see his wife, he jumped at the opportunity. He rushed into Abbey's room without a second thought, until he came face-to-face with her doctor.

"They said I could see her," he explained.

"She was just about to tell me what's wrong," Abbey replied before addressing the doctor. "It's okay if he's here?"

"Of course."

"So it was just stress, right?" Jed asked. "That's what made her sick?" He turned to his wife, remorsefully. "I'm so sorry about today."

"You're getting ahead of yourself," the doctor interrupted. "Stress is only part of it."

"What else?"

The doctor folded the clipboard under her arm. "Abbey, did you know you were pregnant?"

TBC


	13. Say You Love Me Too

"Abbey, did you know you were pregnant?"

Pregnant? 

It was one of those times when a single word could shatter your entire existence. It could steal your comfort and replace it with irrational thoughts, fostered by mounting anxiety, the product of the implications it carried.

Jed's entire body stiffened, his palms burned with a warm sensation, quickly evaporated by a clammy breeze. His eyes were glued to Abbey. She sat motionless in her bed after the initial jarring move to position herself at the shock of the question. Her face paled considerably as the seconds ticked by. Her left brow arched slightly in curiosity. Her emerald eyes twinkled with an expression that held a combination of pain and surprise.

He could answer the question before she had been given a chance. No, she didn't know she was pregnant. It was obvious she had no clue. 

"Pregnant?" she finally managed to squeak with her unexpectedly weakened voice. "I'm pregnant?"

Jed touched her gently, his hand rubbing her upper arm with reassurance. "How pregnant is she?"

"About five weeks," Dr. Leland replied.

Five weeks seemed like an eternity now. Time hadn't stood still. Five weeks ago, this nightmare began and the convoluted continuum of time became tired and restless, the hours, days, and weeks all melding into one another like a repetitive scene from a horror movie that just won't end.

It was five weeks ago that Jed stood right outside her hospital room and quizzed Robert Nolan on the injuries to his wife. 

"Was she raped?" he had asked.

Suddenly, Nolan's answer seemed more important than it had been even that night. "Based on what Dr. Norton told me, I don't think she was raped," he had said.

It wasn't a conclusive answer, but it was an answer Jed wanted to hear. To his relief, there was no reason to believe that his wife had been sexually assaulted. So he accepted it without a second thought. The amnesia dominated his concentration instead as he worked towards understanding her emotional wounds. To him, the most significant part of her healing hinged on her memories of her husband and her daughters. 

Until now. 

A baby was growing inside her and his confusion and fear was immediately multiplied. Was this what Abbey had worked so hard to forget? Was this why she blocked out fourteen years of her life? Was she afraid that Jed, the man to whom she pledged her heart, mind, and body, would blame her if he knew she had been raped?

Just the thought of the anguish she must have experienced clouded his vision with tears. With a tight swallow, he turned to the doctor. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

All Abbey could see in Jed's body language was raw devastation. She reached for the hand that was now resting on her elbow. "Jed?" 

He didn't respond. "Is the baby okay?" he asked as he stared down at her belly.

"The baby is all right," Leland answered. "But Abbey, you're going to have to watch your stress level. I know this has been a difficult time, but if you don't take care of yourself..."

"Don't worry," Jed interjected as he stroked the top of Abbey's head. "She's going to be fine."

She returned his soft smile with one of her own. "Thank you.”

His possessiveness apparent in the way he adoringly stared at his wife, Jed's demeanor transformed abruptly. He wasn't angry. Just determined. "Can I take her home now? I'd like to take her home."

"I think that would be a good idea, provided she promises to see her regular doctor this week, start a course of prenatal care, and avoid the stress that put her here."

The stress of trying to force her to remember that fateful night. That's what put her here. Jed wouldn't let it happen ever again. "I'll make sure she does.”

"I'll give you some privacy so you can get dressed. The nurse will be in with some further instructions."

As Dr. Leland left, Abbey watched her husband carefully pick up the folded jogging suit that sat on a chair in the corner of the room. His head hung low as he rumpled the seam, his fingers subconsciously exploring the rich fabric of the burgundy velour. 

"Jed?" No response. "Jed?" she asked a little stronger.

"What?"

"We didn't plan this pregnancy, did we?"

"You're in the middle of your residency, Abbey. We have two kids at home who don't see you as much as they want. No, we didn't plan this pregnancy." 

She stared down at the foot of the bed, purposely losing eye contact with him. "That's why you're so upset."

Panged by regret, he moved closer to her and covered her hands with his own. "I asked you a question at home. You never answered it."

"We have a lot to talk about."

"Yes, we do." His voice was shaky, not at all reflective of the strength she had seen just moments before. "But right now, I have to know if you trust me."

"Yes. I trust you."

He opened his mouth, believing that the release of his question would relieve his hurt, that she would assure him that she hadn't been raped, that the smidgen of hope that came with the possibility that the life inside her was created the night before she was attacked would be confirmed. 

But the chance that it wouldn't, stopped him. 

Finding out that someone hurt his wife in the worst way a man could hurt a woman and still let her live, would destroy him. Just the possibility of it filled him with fury so overpowering that it energized him with hate and vengeance. Abbey had pledged her heart, mind, and body to him. And in return, he privately vowed to protect her from the evil of the world. He was the one who broke his promise. Not her. Never her. He had already convinced himself this was his fault.

He wanted her permission to go to Dr. Norton, the one who examined her after her ordeal. He wanted to drive her home and put her to bed so he could rush to the police station and ask if the generic term "assailant" was a synonym for "rapist" in his wife's case. He wanted so many things. 

But what he really wanted at that moment in time was to hold Abbey in his arms, break through the self-imposed barriers, and convince her it was okay to remember what happened to her. He longed to force her eyes to lock with his so his powers of persuasion could erase her fears and remind her that she was safe. That she was loved. 

He couldn't do that. 

He couldn't protect her that night, but he had to protect her now, even if that meant helping her drown out the demons that stole her memory. 

Abbey waved a hand in front of him when he seemed to be looking right through her. "Jed?" 

"I'm sorry."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Why you're so unhappy about this baby? I mean, I didn't expect you to be elated, given the circumstances, but I also didn't expect you to look mortified about the whole thing."

"I'm not," he said softly. "I'll help you get dressed."

"I can manage." It was a polite way of implying that she wanted her privacy. 

"Of course." Unwilling to leave her alone, he walked into the small bathroom and closed the door. 

"Two hours ago, you told me that we don't lie to each other," she called out to him.

She wasn't seriously questioning HIS honesty at the end of the day. She couldn't be. 

"Yeah.”

"So why are you lying to me?" Looks like she was. "What should I know?"

"Abbey."

"Jed, seriously. What should I know?"

"Nothing. There's nothing you should know." At least not yet. He wouldn't burden her with his thoughts until he was certain his concerns weren't rooted in pessimism. If Abbey had been raped, the trauma of remembering it before she was ready, might have been more detrimental than the trauma of living it. 

She paused as she looked down at her naked belly. Not even a small bulge. No detectable trace of a pregnancy. Not a cosmetic one anyway. But as her hand cupped her stomach, she couldn't stop the onslaught of memories rushing into her mind. Nor did she want to.

This wasn't her first pregnancy. Logically, she knew that. But now, she was relying on more than just logic. A smile invaded her features as she flashed back to an earlier time, a time when she was measuring her waist every single day, a time when she actually took note of how long it took for a pregnant woman's feet to disappear from her eyesight when looking down with an obstructed view, a time when swollen ankles and morning sickness prompted Jed to pamper her like a queen. 

It was all a prelude to her best memory - the day they placed Elizabeth in her arms. And unlike all the others, this memory didn't just vanish in the scope of a few seconds. It lasted far longer. She remembered Jed's hesitation in holding her, the conversation spoken between husband and wife as she encouraged him to take his newborn daughter in his arms. 

And then something else happened. She remembered Ellie. She remembered the domineering way Jed took Ellie moments after she was born. Obviously, a lot had changed in those six years. He had become an assertive father, confident in his ability and his love for his daughter.

It intrigued her. Never had she wanted to know more about those six years than she did in that instant. Never had there been a greater desire to remember her husband and learn about his past.

"Are you finished?" Jed asked from behind the closed door.

She shrugged out of her daydream and threw her t-shirt over her head, slipping into her jacket when she was done. "Yeah, but we still have to wait for the nurse so make yourself comfortable."

He peered out from the bathroom to join her. "Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"

She couldn't help but notice the way he was drawn to her stomach, his glance never leaving her midsection. "Do you want another baby?"

It took him several minutes to decide how to approach the subject. "I'm happy about this pregnancy, if that's what you're asking."

"Why don't I believe you?"

"Not now, Abbey."

"Why not? I'm trying like hell not to be upset about this, to tell myself it's all going to be okay. Then I look at you and I know it's not."

"I'm sorry." Jed wrapped an arm around her shoulder, hesitant to take her into a full embrace without provocation from her. A wise move since she pulled away rather quickly.

"Is it the timing? Is it that my being pregnant now is bad for my career or your career or Lizzie and Ellie?" 

"It's not the timing of the pregnancy." He struggled to bite his tongue before blurting out it was the timing of conception.

"Then what?"

A little misdirection was needed. "How can you ask that? Just a few hours ago, you threatened to walk out on me. Now we find out you're pregnant and you're wondering why I'm not shouting it from the rooftops?"

"I shouldn't have said that I would leave you. It was unfair."

He nodded in agreement. "I love you. And I love this baby because it's part of you. Why can't that be enough? Just for now?"

'Part of you,’ he said. Not 'part of us.' She noticed.

"Five weeks," she reminded him. "That would put it right around the night..."

"I've already done the math," he replied.

"Dr. Leland said the baby isn't showing any signs of distress."

"I heard her."

"I just meant that isn't what you're upset about. I mean, it did occur to me that maybe he or she was injured that night, but, thankfully, that's not the case. So I have another question." Abbey turned from him slightly as she finally realized what was going on. "What did they tell you about that night?"

"Who?"

"The doctors. The police. What did they tell you?"

"Why does that matter?"

She returned to her spot directly in front of him. "I want to know."

It was a clear invitation to open up to her. But he resisted. Determined to get his answers from her doctors or the police instead of risking her health, he avoided the question, as well as her. "They take forever to sign you out of this place, don't they?"

She extended her hand to spin him back around so they were face-to-face. "They told you I wasn't raped, right?" The words jolted him. "Right?"

He stood frozen, unable to move from her grasp, unable to give a clear answer. "They...Robert...he said...I don't know, Abbey. It was a long night." 

"For all of us."

He could see the sincerity in her eyes. She looked vulnerable and afraid, but at least she was adamant about what she was saying. Perplexed and unsure, he was initially silent. 

After several small breaths, he continued. "He said he didn't know for sure. He said he didn't think...but then I never followed through. We found out you couldn't even remember me, let alone what happened that night. I was so scared that I'd lose you that I never went back to make absolutely, positively sure that Robert was right. I didn't ask. I let it go."

"So ask me."

A tricky request. He squinted and shook his head in confusion. 

"No." 

If he didn't ask, then she couldn't change the answer she had already given.

"I'll answer anyway. I wasn't raped, Jed." She took a step closer to him, framed his face in the palm of her hands, and repeated herself. "I was not raped."

He railed against the possibility of letting go of his rage to contemplate the facts. Her facts. "You know that?"

"Don't you think it's the first thing they checked at the hospital? I may not remember what happened, but I was there during the exam. I wasn't raped." He stared at her blankly, unwilling to show much emotion. "I know I lied to you before. I'm telling you the truth now. If you want to check with the doctor..."

There it went. Now, he could allow a tiny bit of anger to melt. He was still a fury-driven husband who wanted to avenge his wife's attack, but there was one less obstacle to overcome. The bastard that hurt her hadn't sexually violated her. The baby inside her hadn't been conceived out of hate. 

He didn't need confirmation this time. Memory or not, Abbey would never be less than completely honest about this. "I believe you."

She wasn't sure she deserved his blind faith, but she'd certainly accept it. This time, she was the one who reached out to him. Her hands slipped from his face to grasp each other as they circled his neck. That was the provocation he wanted. He looped his arms around her waist and enveloped her in a hug so close, he could feel his pent-up emotions rising to the surface. 

"If you had been...it wouldn't have changed anything. I was just upset at the news, not at you. You know that, don't you?" His voice sullied with unshed tears, the words were broken and barely coherent.

But she understood. More importantly, she didn't have to. She already knew. The man standing in front of her was decent and loving. It would have been impossible for him to turn his back on her. She knew him. She knew his heart. She knew his soul. Some things even amnesia couldn't take away.

She answered with a quick peck on his lips as she pushed herself back into his embrace. He stroked her hair softly while it dawned on him he hadn't solved the mystery after all. He hadn't found the reason behind her memory lapse. But right now, that didn't matter. With his eyes closed, he inhaled deeply. 

Pregnant. Abbey was pregnant. And it was the best news he had heard in five weeks.

 

TBC


	14. Say You Love Me Too

As the door to the master bedroom opened, a feeling of peace washed over Abbey. She didn't expect it. She took a few steps inside and slowed her stride considerably, turning her eyes from corner to corner. 

She had avoided this bedroom since she came back to the house. Nestled in the back of the hallway, away from the other rooms, it wasn't difficult to duck the haunting images she assumed she'd see on the other side of the closed door. It was her way of self-preservation, of avoiding a trigger that could propel her down a seemingly endless whirlwind of memories she wasn't ready to retrieve.

But to her surprise, she wasn't confronted with haunting images at all. The room was beautiful. It was comfortable. It was familiar.

Jed stood behind her, his stare transfixed on her facial expressions as she took a hold of the jacquard-woven chenille comforter. Her fingers traced the gold embroidered scrolls and bronze leaf print as her eyes closed. He could tell just by looking at her. She was remembering something.

The dark wood mahogany bed was a favorite of Abbey's. Jed had bought it as a surprise when he found her thumbing through a catalog, repeatedly coming back to that particular style. He hoped that's what was flooding her mind when she suddenly explored the round posts and cresting arches of the frame. 

But it wasn't.

She wasn't remembering the night she walked into the bedroom with his hands covering her view. Or the soft, feminine squeal when he finally removed them, revealing the bed she hadn't even asked for, dressed up with a large red bow. 

What she was remembering was a bit deeper, a bit further on the timeline. She remembered the nights they spent in that bed. The vision of the two of them cradled in each other's arms, falling asleep together was a happy memory. A safe memory. One she didn't want to end. 

But just as with all the others, it did end. The flashback escaped her just as quickly as it came.

"It's a beautiful room," she said as she circled around herself, her eyes glazing over the beige walls and taupe trim, coming to rest on a portrait of her and Jed hanging opposite the closet.

"You decorated it," he replied with a smile. "This is a lot more comfortable than the bed in the den."

"Jed..."

"Don't argue with me. I just brought you home from the hospital. I want you in here where I won't worry about you. I'll sleep in the den."

"I was just going to say..." she paused, allowing for a second of silence. "I was going to say thank you."

"You're welcome. Now get some sleep. The girls will be home in a few hours."

She took a quick step towards him just as he turned towards the door. "Wait!" He turned back with alarm. "Will you stay with me for just a few minutes? Help me get settled?"

"Of course." He helped her slip out of her jacket and untuck her t-shirt. "Do you want me to get you a pair of pajamas?"

"These are fine."

He pulled back the sheets and waited for her to slide underneath before tucking her in. "Are you comfortable?"

"I'm okay. But I'd love it if you'd stay for a little while."

"How about I stay until you fall asleep?" he asked as he sat on the edge of his side of the mattress.

"Tell me a story?"

He chuckled. "What story?"

"The story of how we got pregnant. I want to know about the night we made this baby."

His smile immediately curved. Her request was unexpected. "Now?" He lowered his head as she nodded. "Abbey, why don't you sleep now. It's been a rough day. The girls will be home soon and they're going to want to see you."

He was distant. She didn't have to ask why. She knew why. The unspoken words between them were suddenly deafening with the saddened glance he shot her way. An interrupted confrontation was a confrontation nonetheless. It was painfully obvious the fight that had been postponed by the trip to the emergency room hadn't been resolved, nor forgiven. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "About before. I'm sorry for everything."

She was trying. And had he not been concerned for her health, he wouldn't have tried to stop her. "We don't have to talk about that now." 

"Jed, I'm fine. Really. I want to talk about it. I want to tell you all the things I haven't told you yet."

"There are other things?" he suspiciously asked.

Abbey shifted slightly, focusing on the domed chest sneaking up just above the footboard. It was better than facing her husband when she finally admitted the truth. 

"When I was in the hospital...that night...after..." As her voice broke softly, he rubbed her arm for reassurance. "I didn't want you to touch me. I didn't want to talk to you."

"Yeah," he replied, his tone somber yet curious.

"Afterwards, the only thing I was interested in remembering was the girls. I wanted to know everything about my daughters and nothing about you." She looked to him to gauge his reaction. "I know I hurt you."

He couldn't deny the pain, but he wanted to relieve her guilt. "You were scared. I understand that."

"No, you don't. You don't because I don't even understand. I'm ashamed to admit it, Jed, but I was afraid...of you."

"Of what I'd think?"

"No. Just of you."

It was his turn to inhale deeply and, in the process, try to hide the sharp sting that burned his heart. How could Abbey ever be afraid of him, he wondered. He wasn't a violent man. He wasn't an abusive man. He believed that no amount of trauma could ever rip away her basic human instincts about the man to whom she committed her entire life. He was wrong.

"Of me?"

"My parents, Millie, everyone kept telling me about this wonderful marriage we had. I didn't believe it. I don't know why, but I didn't. That's not true. I do know why. I guess it was easier to admit that I didn't remember you because we weren't so close. It was all a facade. I mean, if we really were soul mates, I'd have to be mentally disturbed not to remember."

"No, Abbey. It's not your fault you didn't remember."

"Let me finish. I fought against the fairytale everyone tried to convince me was true and, while I was doing that, part of me wondered if maybe you were involved..."

Upset by her revelation, he stood up forcefully. "The police cleared me. That night, they cleared me!"

"I know they did," she insisted, shocked and remorseful at the same time. "Jed, please. I just want to explain this to you."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I'm discovering how very wrong I was and I want you to understand." She extended her hand across the bed, hoping he'd take it. "Please?"

Her plea didn't go unanswered. "I’ve never..." he began as he joined her. “I’ve never laid an angry hand on you. I would never hurt you. I’d rather die than to ever hurt you.”

"I know," she interrupted. "I'm so ashamed for even thinking it. I was on such an emotional rollercoaster. I didn't know what to believe."

It was a hard truth to hear, but when the momentary outrage passed, it left in its wake a twinge of sympathy for the turmoil that had gripped Abbey's senses. He wanted to blame her for her suspicions, to ask her how she could ever doubt his love, to force her to look so deep inside herself that she couldn't help but instinctively know that he would never, ever harm her in any way. 

But he couldn't do that. None of this was her fault. To her, he was a stranger, ranting through the hospital corridors looking for answers that night. Of course she was frightened. 

He calmed himself before addressing her. "If I ask you something, will you be honest?"

"Yes."

His heart raced as he forced the words to leave his mouth. "How do you feel about me now?"

Her grin reflected the unmistakable warmth inside her. "That night you came to pick up Ellie, I felt something I couldn't remember ever feeling before. I couldn't even comprehend it at the time. I just knew that I wanted to talk to you, to spend time with you."

"That's why you invited me to stay and have ice cream."

She allowed a moment to pass before confirming with a nod. "Now I know what it was."

"What what was?"

"The feeling. I know what it was I was feeling. I didn't remember ever feeling it before because I'm not sure I ever had felt it before the day we met."

"What was it?"

"Love." He struggled to keep his composure and prevent himself from softening too quickly when her hand reached his. "I know it because I felt it again when you were braiding Lizzie's hair the night of her recital. I felt it today when you carried me into the ER, when you told me that you'd love this baby because it was a part of me even though you had doubts about whether or not it was a part of you."

Fighting back any tears of joy that may have been lurking under his skeptical glare, he moved away from her touch. "Don't tell me this."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to hear it," he reluctantly confessed. 

She knew what he refused to say was that he didn't want to be lied to. But she deserved it. His wounds were still raw, his emotions still vulnerable. 

She conceded quickly as she rolled her body away from him. "Okay."

"Abbey."

"I said it was okay."

"Can you blame me?"

"Am I blaming you?" she asked with her head twisted to face him.

"You're upset."

She flipped back around so fiercely, it caused the bed to bounce with the motion. "I am upset. You're absolutely right."

"Well don't you think that's a little out of line? I'm the one who has a right to be pissed."

"I didn't say I was pissed. I said I was upset. I'm frustrated."

"Really? Because you sound pissed."

"I'm not pissed," she snapped a bit more forcefully than she intended. Husband and wife stared at one another, silence lingering between them in the few agonizing seconds that passed. Abbey finally looked away to fluff her pillow behind her and she muttered, "Jackass.”

Jackass. She called him a jackass. "You haven't said that in a while."

"What?"

"You haven't called me a jackass." She didn't look surprised that she had done it just now. "Do you remember calling me a jackass?" With her brows creased, her eyes pierced into him speechlessly. "Abbey?"

"Yes, I remember," she acknowledged somewhat quietly before continuing with an adamant edge to her voice. "And yes, I'm telling you the truth." 

"Maybe we just shouldn't discuss this now. I don't want you so upset."

Ignoring the conversation, even temporarily, wouldn't make it go away. It would simply make it more intense when they finally decided to work towards closing the gaping rift between them. She wouldn't allow that to happen. 

"I was afraid."

Jarred by her second confession of the night, he dismissed the topic. "You've already given this speech. You were afraid of me. I don't need to hear it again."

"No. I mean after. I lied to you about my memory because I was afraid."

His gaze changed slightly. She was opening up. At least, she was starting to. "Of what?"

"Of the memories. That night we had dinner, I did remember us...at first. I remembered our trip to Martha's Vineyard, I remembered proposing to you, then you proposing to me. I remembered that, I swear."

"Okay."

"But then, I remembered him...the person who did this." She swallowed hard as she recounted the memory. "He was on top of me, whispering some things in my ear. I don't know what. But he was so heavy, he was nearly suffocating me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream. I was so scared."

"Abbey."

"It terrified me. I wasn't ready. So I stopped myself. I intentionally stopped my mind from thinking about the past and instead, I focused on stray objects at the restaurant - the tablecloth, the napkin, a glass, anything but what you were saying - and I just nodded politely every time you made a reference to our wedding and to London and to our life together."

"Why didn't you just tell me? I would have helped you. I would have taken you home and we would have worked it out together."

"You would have told me not to fight it, that I needed to remember." Even in a state of amnesia, she knew him so well. "I didn't want to."

"Why would you remember him when you're thinking of me?"

"There is no reason. The memories aren't connected. It just means my mind is ready to remember everything."

"So why are you fighting it?"

"Because my heart isn't," she answered quickly. "I just want you to know that it isn't you I don't want to remember. I do. I just don't know how."

His stare held compassion laced with love. "I'll never push you again. I won't make you remember anything you don't want to."

Her fingers slid between his as she took his hand in hers. "I'm so sorry I lied to you."

"You've already apologized. You don't have to do it again."

"I do. Because I'm just now seeing how much I hurt you. And I'm realizing how much your hurt hurts me. "

It finally happened. A single, abandoned tear made its way slowly down Jed's cheek. In the past five weeks, she had seen his eyes shine with tears, but this was the first time he made no effort to stop it. And that was because, for the first time, he had his old Abbey back and overwhelming relief had finally escaped from the shadow of fear. 

She reached up gently, placing her hands on his face, her fingers curled towards his head, her thumb positioned precisely under his eye as she swept it across, tenderly removing another drop before it could fall to his chin. 

He covered her hand with his, bringing it down to his lips where he kissed it softly then noticed the pale scratches that were marred with blue and purple spots. "Are you afraid of this too?"

Surprised, she abruptly jerked from his hold. "Don't."

"I'm sorry. I just...you were opening up. I just thought we could talk about everything." She bit down on her bottom lip as she apprehensively placed her hand back in his palm. "You've been skipping out on your physical therapy."

"Yeah."

"You and I both know you've never shied away from physical pain. What is it about the physical therapy that has you running the other way?"

"Jed."

"Abbey, you're finally telling me everything. Don't stop now. Please don't shut me out."

"It isn't getting any better."

"It's going to take time."

"I've given it time. I'm helpless."

"No, you're not. Don't ever say that. You just have to try harder."

She let out a sarcastic laugh. "As opposed to not trying at all? It's not working."

"It will happen. And if it doesn't, surgery is still an option."

"No." She tried to pull away again only to have him strengthen his hold on her wrist. 

"Abbey."

"I don't want surgery."

"You doctors really are your own worst patients."

"You're just discovering that now?"

She cocked her head to the side in that stubborn way that usually stopped him in his tracks. The hand surgery would be a relatively safe procedure, more than likely repairing all the damage and opening the door for her career as a surgeon. If only she'd allow it. 

"Once upon a time, there was this beautiful queen named Abigail."

"What are you doing?"

"You said you wanted a story. I'm telling you a story."

"You're setting me up."

With his index finger delicately pressed against her forehead, he pushed her back against her pillow. "Lay down and be quiet." She rolled her eyes, but acquiesced pretty quickly. "Abigail grew up in this bustling village named..." he paused to gather his thoughts. "...Absville, where she was taught that anything she wanted, she could have as long as she worked for it."

"Absville?" she laughed.

"Absville. And everyone outside of Absville wanted to live in Absville because they knew that's where Queen Abigail lived, where she was raised with aspirations that outweighed all the other female Ableteers."

Her hands popped up in front of her as she teased him. "Okay, you have to stop. Ableteers?"

"Most of them wanted families, some wanted careers, but our Abigail didn't just want one or the other. She wanted to get married and raise little princesses and, at the same time, become a world-renowned surgeon."

Abbey looked at him lovingly, as entranced in his story as she'd expect Lizzie and Ellie to be. "Are you an 'Ableteer' too?"

"Shhh. Anyway, when our fair Queen graduated college, she married King Josiah, a pretty handsome fellow - I've seen the pictures."

"And lived happily ever after?"

"Not quite. She and the King had a little princess they named Elizabeth. And while Josiah went off to graduate school, our kind and loving Queen sacrificed her own educational ambition to stay home with Princess Elizabeth."

"I already know this," she whispered.

"I'm getting to the good part," he replied. "Finally, when it was the family's turn to make Abigail's dream come true, something happened. Abigail had been a model student throughout her undergraduate years and even her first two years of medical school. Part of that was thanks to her manipulation skills at hoodwinking our considerate King."

"I hoodwinked you?"

Jed nodded profusely. "There were times when King Josiah was sitting on the sofa, reading a book and within a matter of minutes, he'd be naked and spread eagle on the bed, as Abigail played Pin The Muscle or Nerve on the Torso for her Anatomy class."

Abbey couldn't help but chuckle. "Sorry, just the thought of that..."

He shot her a slightly less-than-amused stare and continued. "But in her third year, Abigail was targeted by this mean and evil gargoyle."

"The gargoyle went to medical school?"

"Who's telling this story?" he asked rhetorically as he broke character. 

"How about I just be quiet?"

"So this gargoyle - we'll call him Kyle the Beast - thought that Abigail's goals should better reflect those of her fellow Ableteers. So he harassed her, humiliated her, even brought her to tears. He didn't know our Abigail. He thought she was fragile and insecure. She wasn't. Abigail wasn't a shrinking violet. She was a fighter."

"Jed." Abbey's humorous exterior had faded. She squirmed under the covers to pull herself to a sitting position.

Realizing that she was catching on to the diversion, he hurried through the rest of the story. "She didn't quit. She came home and she studied and she prepared herself for all those hospital rotations and eventually, she outshined all the other students and even Kyle the Beast and graduated at the top of her class."

"Jed, that isn't true," she declared in a very serious tone. "I didn't do it. You made me do it. You stayed up with me night after night studying. You read to me when I was so exhausted from reading the textbook that my eyes were closing involuntarily. You and Lizzie quizzed me every single night to get me ready for the boards."

The only sound in the room was that of the shallow breaths they both exchanged. "How did you know all that?"

The memories of the USMLE study sessions had taken root in her mind days earlier, but something was different now. They were clearer, crisper. She stared straight ahead as she made another request. 

"Tell me the story of the night we conceived this baby. Now." 

"Wait a minute, Abbey..."

"Right now!" she demanded without turning to face him.

"What is it?"

She finally looked to him, confused yet excited at the same time. "I think I remember."

 

TBC


	15. Say You Love Me Too

"I think I remember."

Just like that, an unexpected revelation startled them both. She asked him to tell her about the night they conceived. She begged him to lead her down a path towards the visions in her mind. 

Jed was cautiously optimistic. His breathing ragged and frazzled, he settled his eyes on hers as he waited for her lead. "Where should I start?"

"At the beginning. We were in the bedroom. We were kissing. Then later, we were arguing or debating something. Then we were kissing?" She shook her head in frustration. "It's all so jumbled. Sort it out for me."

He curled up closer to her. "You're sure? You're sure you want to do this?" Terrified of pushing her too far, he waited patiently for her response. 

She gave him a nod, delayed only seconds by her own trepidation. "Yeah."

Jed was determined to move slowly. He began guiding her through the evening she was trying desperately to recall. Their time together had been limited thanks to Abbey's hectic hospital schedule, he told her. Romantic interludes had become a casualty of their careers and any effort to steal a few intimate moments was immediately squashed by interruptions.

\+ + +

Three weeks of lonely stares and innocent grins exchanged briefly over the breakfast table had taken its toll. As Abbey returned from a shift every morning, Jed would be gathering his briefcase, ready to waltz out the door. 

They had been longing for a night together, longing for a touch only the other could provide. It wasn't just about sex. It was never just about sex. For Jed and Abbey, it was about a connection they only felt with one another, a connection so deep that it intensified as the feelings of sexual pleasure exploded between them.

Something felt wrong when they didn't share a bed, as if the galaxy was thrown off-kilter when they didn't drift off to sleep wrapped in each other's arms. 

Jed had been working long hours in Concord as the legislative session was rapidly winding down. He spent many evenings in a deserted hotel room, fantasizing about his wife, waiting for a night when she would be home, when Lizzie and Ellie would be tucked in early, leaving them alone in the throes of passion.

But when the night of his dreams was finally here, he arrived home with a heavy heart and a desire to confess something he had avoided telling Abbey. Surprised by the darkened house, he opened the front door and called out to her. She didn't respond. 

Her black pleated skirt was suspiciously draped over the back of the sofa. He crouched down on the floor and carefully picked up the sheer sleeves of the purple blouse that was dangling just below, the smell a mixture of vanilla and freshly picked gardenias. He held it to his nose and inhaled the scent for a full minute before noticing the single dark stiletto pump only a few feet away with another facing the same direction, strategically planted to turn his attention towards the hallway that led to their bedroom. 

A mischievous grin broke his somber expression as he saw a pair of black pantyhose hanging off the doorknob, a clear invitation for him to enter. 

"Abbey?" he called as he twisted the knob and walked inside.

Jolted by the warm hands that coiled under his arms and gently pressed into his chest from behind, he gasped.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," she whispered in his ear. 

He turned in her arms to see her standing in only her underwear. Her curvaceous hips seemed to mold flawlessly to the sides of the black lace panties and her breasts flowed slightly over the cups of the matching bra. 

"You are so incredibly sexy."

She fingered the buttons on his white dress shirt, slowly grazing his bare chest with every inch that was revealed. Her lips teased him as they came seductively close to his face, only to remain an inch away. He leaned in to steal a kiss, but she pulled back, promising to reward him for his patience.

"You're pretty sexy yourself." She reached the bottom button and slipped her fingers inside his pants. He sighed when she rubbed her thumb over the zipper gliding it down with such force that his pants fell to the floor.

Drawing her in, he linked his hands together around her waist, allowing just enough room for her to tug on his boxers as his shirt dropped from his shoulders.

He stepped out of the pool of clothing that landed at his feet. She moved her lips down from his and began to kiss the hollow of his neck. His became shorter, quicker, as she moved down to his chest, her warm tongue exploring his soft skin and muscular frame. Her hands slipped below his waist to massage his upper thighs, manipulatively brushing the area just below his pubic bone. 

Breathlessly aroused, she pushed him against the wall for support. His palms gripped the plaster as he tried in vain to curl his fingers around anything that would give him a steady crutch.

Abbey's lips were now on his stomach, circling his belly button while her hands worked their way up to the mound around his shaft. She stared into his eyes as she applied continuous pressure. His head tilted back and his legs voluntarily separated to give her better access. She sank to the ground. With her flattened fingers still rubbing his sensitive flesh, her tongue glided up to the base of his manhood and back down to the tip. 

His knees suddenly weakened. His body began to shiver. She positioned her thumbs on either side, pressing them firmly as she took him into her mouth and sucked softly on the tip. 

"Oh God, Abbey."

His moans encouraged her to pick up her pace. Her fingers manipulated the area just beneath her lips. He squatted as he let out a few soft screams. She began to hold him tighter. The more forceful the hold, the weaker he became until the pleasure hit its brink and sent him over the edge.

Jed collapsed to the floor with Abbey still holding his legs. Her hands continued to stroke him until his breathing settled into a nice rhythm. He grabbed a hold of her wrist and pulled her up from between his straddled legs. She rested her ear on his chest to hear the loud, echoing sound of his heartbeat.

"I love you," she told him in a soft whisper.

He placed his index finger under her chin to lift her head. "I love you too. You have no idea how much."

"I think I do."

He was always enamored by her emerald orbs, but tonight they twinkled with a spark he hadn't seen in weeks. A stray lock of her dark auburn hair tickled her lashes, bringing out the beautiful contrast in her features. He tucked the strand behind her ear then lowered his hands to her waist. He rolled them over so he was on top. He climbed off and pulled her to her feet, immediately connecting their lips in yet another steamy kiss. His fingers reached around her back and unclasped her bra. His body moved back only slightly to allow it to fall between them.

"Lay down," he playfully ordered with his leg hooked behind hers to ease her onto to the bed. 

She fell back with ease, her hands still wrapped tightly around his neck to hold him close. He separated her fingers and finagled his way through her arms, embarking on a trail of kisses down her neck and into the valley between her breasts. His knuckles kneaded her body as his tongue made its way up the supple slope of skin. 

Slowly, he worked his way down her belly then deliberately skipped to her ankles, causing her to squirm with anticipation as he moved his way up her shapely legs. Warm, tender kisses created a seductive path to her inner thighs. She wiggled when the short stubble and hot breath against the pressure points of her legs overwhelmed her with a passionate tingle. 

He held her tighter as she moved. After twelve years of marriage, there were things neither had to say. He knew when to take charge, when she would allow him to without him asking permission, when she would want him to in order to reach the height of sexual ecstasy. It didn't have to be planned or discussed beforehand. It was simply a testament to the trust and assurance they had built between them. Usually, she was the one doing the dominating, but tonight, Jed was in complete control.

He slipped his fingers inside the elastic of her panties and quickly discarded them. He pushed down on her hips to restrict her motion, then lifted her legs and placed them on top of his shoulders. She succumbed to his strong hands holding her wrists to prevent them from interference while his tongue teased the very edge of the little nub that brought her great pleasure. 

His mouth engulfed her completely. His tongue penetrated her over and over again and his thumbs separated the folds of skin directly above, giving him access to delicately press his lips into the depths of her femininity.

She heaved herself up, forcing him deeper inside her with every thrust of her hip, until she lost the power to retreat back onto the mattress. Nearly paralyzed by the feeling and still enveloped in his warmth, she began to lose control. Her legs shook violently as his methodical rhythm pushed her over the edge. Her head bore into the bed with every pulsating moan that escaped her lips. 

Jed stayed in position until he felt her starting to come down from the climax. But he wasn't finished yet. He removed his mouth from between her legs and slid himself into her, hitting just the right spot to spark a new wave of sensations that immediately took Abbey's breath away. Her heels dug into his lower back as she melded their bodies together so he was buried as deeply as possible inside her. He vibrated against her, the friction between them responsible for an explosive release that stole her voice and stung his eyes with tears.

His tired muscles still constricting, he collapsed on top of her. "That isn't what I expected when I came home tonight."

"That's what three weeks of abstinence does to you?" she asked in breathless intervals.

He let out a soft chuckle as he rolled them both over to the side. "I love you."

She paused as she calmed herself down. "Jed?"

"Mmm?"

"What's wrong tonight?" There was a twinge of hesitancy in the question as her fingertips traced imaginary circles on his chest.

"I thought we were having a great night. What makes you think something's wrong?"

She locked her eyes into his. "It was great. It's always great," she assured him. "But tonight, something else is going on."

How did she always know? "You think so?"

"What is it?"

He inhaled deeply, preparing himself for what he feared would turn into a heated argument. "I had to turn down one of my colleagues in the House last week."

"A new bill?"

"Yeah. It's so late in the session that if I had sponsored it, we would have lost the votes we've already lined up for the education initiative."

"So you couldn't do it. I'm sure he'll understand."

"Yeah," he sadly agreed.

"What's wrong?"

He had avoided it long enough. It was now or never. "The bill was...it would have ensured stiffer penalties for men who commit violent crimes against women."

"Oh," she replied as she inched herself a bit further from him and settled on her back.

His own guilt riddled his conscience. "I'm sorry."

He didn't have to say it. She sensed the regret that dominated his every word. This bill was important to Abbey. It would have helped all women who fell victim to violence, but most significantly to her, it would have protected women trapped in abusive relationships. It would have given women who couldn't leave a domineering partner, either out of a sense of duty or a feeling of helplessness, a viable chance at a healthy life. 

It would have made all the difference in the world to women who were scared and hesitant to walk out on a relationship filled with vicious hate, women who didn't feel they had the strength within themselves to put their abusers in jail, women like her friend Maggie. 

It had been months since Abbey first noticed visible signs of abuse on nurse Maggie Holloway's face. She had questioned her about a slightly raised, noticeably discolored spot on her cheek, but Maggie brushed it off with a claim that she ran into a wall while responding to a patient in ICU. Then there was the busted lip which makeup cleverly disguised to most people. But to Abbey - a woman who picked up a few makeup tricks of her own while starring in countless theater productions in high school - nothing could hide the tiny wound that outlined the corner of Maggie's lip. 

But it was the black eye that forced Maggie to finally admit the truth. Blinded by a misguided sense of love and a little bit of fear, Maggie refused to leave her live-in fiance. And so, the thankless chore of stitching her up after each violent eruption fell on Abbey's shoulders. 

"Abbey?" Jed called out to her when he felt her lost in a daze. "I'm really sorry."

"You know what Maggie's really afraid of? She's scared that if she leaves Frankie, he'll find her. He's gone to jail before, but he always gets out in a month or two. She thinks that this time, if he gets out, he'll come after her and maybe even kill her. He's threatened that...to kill her if she betrays him. And so she stays, no matter how many times I try to convince her to walk out." Reenergized, she turned to face her husband. "This bill would have put him away for a long time?"

"Yeah, it would have. They haven't worked out all the logistics yet, but it would have kept him in prison for a mandatory sentence. He wouldn't have been able to spring himself out for good behavior."

"And the education initiative, what are the specifics?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you just turned your back on a law that would help women all over the state and I'm curious as to why. Why is the education initiative so important?" She sounded belligerent now. "Is it more funding?"

"Yes, that's part of it."

"Funding to help recruit high school football players? New cheerleading uniforms? What?" 

He wasn't amused by her sarcasm. "Damn it, Abbey, this is why I didn't want to bring this up. This is why I kept it to myself for the past week."

"And now that you have brought it up, help me understand." 

He kept his voice low and his temper restrained. "There's a revision that would completely overhaul Head Start. The federal funds just aren't there. State chapters are barely staying afloat. Something needed to be done."

"Head Start?" she repeated as she propped the side of her head on her arm.

She didn't need any other explanation. They had both discussed ways of helping the organization committed to preparing children from low-income families for grade school. He wasn't dismissing the bill in favor of a frivolous referendum. He was postponing the introduction for a good cause, a reason even Abbey had to admit was just as important as the crime bill. 

"They're in trouble."

"And there's resistance to pass the initiative?"

"Some legislators think Head Start was necessary in the 60s, but they'd now like to fund a new pilot program that would reach out to all kids throughout the state."

"You've secured the votes?"

"Yeah. But if I throw them this curveball and sponsor this bill, I'd lose democrats as well as some republicans."

Detecting his remorse, Abbey swung her right leg over his hips and lifted herself up to straddle him. 

"Then you'll take on the crime bill next year?" she asked, stroking his hair away from his face.

"I'd do it now, Abbey, if it was earlier in the session. It's just so late and we need to get so many things done."

She nodded sympathetically and lowered her head to drop a kiss to his lips. "Okay."

"Really?"

"Really. You can't do everything, Jed. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. I'm sorry." 

He mingled his fingers through her hair after she tucked her face into his shoulder. 

"Next year. I promise." She began to roll off his chest, but he gripped her hips, his heels holding her calves in place. "Where are you going?" he teased with an amorous stare as he rubbed himself against her.

"Don't tell me you're ready for another round?"

"If you're up for it."

"I'm always up for it," she reminded him with another kiss.

+++

"Abbey?" Jed called her name to bring her back to the present. "Honey?"

"I remember."

"What part do you remember?"

"The whole thing. I remember surprising you in the bedroom, I remember us making love, I remember our conversation about Head Start. Everything."

With a glint in his eye, he sat up anxiously. "What else do you remember?"

"I don't know. I just get flashes of images, you know? This is the first time I've actually remembered as much as I have."

"It means you're getting better. It means you're ready to remember other things."

She nodded as he took her hand. "Will you help me?"

She was asking for his help. She was actually reaching out to him. 

"Of course I will." He brought her hand to his lips and delicately kissed her fingers. "I love you, Abbey."

Several minutes passed as Jed rested his head back on the pillow, cradling her arm and rubbing soothing strokes up and down her skin. Without warning or expectation, the silence was suddenly broken by four simple little words that caused him to tighten his hold around her in blatant disregard for the barrage of emotions that gripped his heart.

"I love you too," she said softly.

TBC


	16. Say You Love Me Too

Jed loosened his hold only slightly so he could pull away from Abbey and stare straight into her eyes. She had only said four little words, but they were the most important four little words in the world. He hadn't expected it. He hadn't imagined it. He had done everything in his power to protect himself from the massive disappointment that would have come from having his hopes dashed once again. 

But she said it. She actually said those four little words and when she did, she took their relationship to a level he could have only dreamed out moments earlier.

"Does that surprise you?" she asked. "That I love you?"

After a brief moment, he shook his head. "Not that you love me. I just have to get used to you remembering that you love me."

"I think part of me loved you even before I remembered loving you. The part that saw you taking such good care of Ellie the night she didn't want to leave Boston wouldn't let me forget. The part that watched you braiding Lizzie's hair and the part that heard about the day you forced her to see a counselor, the part that found out you had to drag her there kicking and screaming and afterwards, you bought her ice cream and painted her nails to make up for it. That part never forgot."

"You knew about that?"

"She told me." Abbey's fingertips glided gently over his. "And of course, earlier today, when, despite how angry you were at me, you picked me up and carried me to the hospital, asking me how I was feeling every five seconds along the way."

"I thought you were getting annoyed," he chuckled.

"Never."

She brushed his hair off his face, giving her an unobstructed view of the warm blue eyes that shined with compassion. If the eyes are the gateway to the soul, then his soul was the bridge to her heart. It beat faster with every blink. It warmed her entire body with every movement. It forged a connection so strong that neither one could turn away. 

They sat there, speechless for several minutes, only allowing the cool air from the air vent to blow between them. 

Jed fought back the urge to interrupt the peaceful moment. He had so much to say. And at the same time, he had really nothing to say. What could he say about a love so deep that even tragedy couldn't break it? The past five weeks had been the darkness after the nightmare, when you wake up and realize it was all a dream, only to find the fears hadn't escaped just because the body was now conscious and alert. Only this time, the nightmare itself wasn't really a nightmare at all. It was real. And the aftermath was all the more frightening.

He struggled with his feelings of hopelessness, the grief he felt over the thoughts that he had lost his wife for good. He wondered if she'd ever make her way back into the life they had built together. 

"I love you too," she had said. 

And with those four little words, it was obvious that she would.

"I don't know what to say," he finally confessed.

"You know, I may not remember much, but I do know that Jed Bartlet is rarely speechless. Is this a historical moment or what?" She reached over him towards the nightstand by his side of the bed. "Give me a pen!"

"I don't think so," he teased, grabbing her arm to hold her back, then looked at her with a serious stare. "I just wondered if I'd ever hear you say that to me again."

"I'm sorry it took so long."

"No. Oh God, no, don't apologize." He took her into a hug, his arms folded around her small frame. 

She pulled herself back and cupped his chin to bring it towards her. He knew what she was about to, but he restrained himself, convinced it had to be her move to make. She leaned in slowly, her eyes still locked into his until the last possible second. Just as they slid closed, her head tilted to the side and her lips made contact.

It was a short kiss, but it was a start. Her hand remained on his chin, her fingers sprawled out on his left cheek. She moved her thumb slightly to wipe the lipstick stain off his lips. 

"That was nice," she said. 

"It really was." 

Another timeless gaze abruptly ended with the sound of jiggling keys and the opening of the front door. 

"Mom?" Lizzie called out.

"She might be sleeping," Paige warned.

Within seconds, Abbey ran out of the bedroom to greet her daughters. Ellie ran towards her first, jumping into her arms as she always did. Jed followed behind and smiled warmly at the sight of mother and daughter.

"Daddy, how come you're home?"

"I had an early day today." He refused to admit that he left work to check up on his wife. "How were the girls?” he asked Paige.

"As well-behaved as always," she replied as she turned to give each one a hug. "Okay, girls, I'll see you on Thursday."

Liz waited for the door to close behind Paige before turning to her father. "Can we have pizza for dinner?"

Jed looked to Abbey then nodded. "As long as it's okay with your mother."

"Yeah. A night of pizza sounds all right."

Lizzie and Ellie ran to the phone as Abbey wrapped her arm around Jed's waist, her eyes replaying the secret kiss they had just shared. At some point, they'd have to tell their daughters that she was starting to remember, that she and their father were working their way back to one another, that in eight short months, they'd have to welcome a new brother or sister into the family. But not tonight. Tonight, Lizzie seemed happy. Ellie was excited. Tonight, they would simply enjoy each another's company and save the deeper conversations for later.

Or at least, that was the plan. 

Now that she had opened the floodgates to her blocked memories, Abbey found it even more difficult to avoid the frightening flashes of trauma that terrified her to her core. 

When the pizza delivery man knocked on the door, she whipped around so hard that she actually heard her a few tension cracks in her neck. She had done the same the night of the attack. The sound of footsteps had grown louder behind her and she turned with a startled jolt.

When Lizzie dropped pepperoni on her white skirt, the splattered tomato sauce stain reminded her of the blood that dripped from her attacker's body while he lay on top of her.

When Ellie covered her own mouth to stifle the laugh in reaction to the string of cheese hanging from Jed's mouth, she grinned shyly. It was a poor attempt at trying to forget the trauma of having her screams muffled by a strong, gloved hand that nearly covered her entire chin.

She was unraveling. Slowly and calmly, she was definitely unraveling. 

\- - -

With the girls tucked safely in bed, Abbey approached the subject with Jed. They had embarked on a new beginning, devoid of any secrets. She could trust him with her innermost thoughts. She could tell him about the demons that seemed trapped inside her, ready to tear her apart intimately with one single scream. 

"Can you stay in here tonight?" she asked as he walked her into the master bedroom.

"You want me to?"

"I just don't want to be alone." 

He sensed the fear in her voice. This wasn't the same carefree Abbey who kissed him just a few hours earlier. Something had changed. 

"What's the matter?"

"I'm still scared," she admitted softly, as if ashamed by the confession. "I'm trying to be strong, it's just..."

He placed his index finger over her lips, silencing her immediately. "Shh."

With a slap to his hand, she jerked away from him. "Don't." She turned around to see him standing frozen to his spot, confused by her reaction. "Don't hush me. Please."

"I didn't mean anything by it."

"That's what he did. He put his hand over my mouth. I just don't want anyone's hand on my mouth."

Jed tilted his head as he gingerly walked towards her. "I'm sorry, Abbey." 

"He was wearing a glove."

He already knew. "Yeah."

"A latex glove."

"Can you see his face? Do you know what he looked like?"

She shook her head adamantly. "I'm afraid to even try."

"It's okay. You don't have to." His arms coiled around her, squeezing her shoulders between them.

"I just want you to stay with me tonight. Please?"

He nodded as he helped her to the bed. "I knew about the glove. The police told me."

"It's the kind doctors wear." She slipped under the sheets, her head propped up against the headboard. "Nurses. EMTs. It's the kind we have at the hospital, right?" 

"Yeah," he answered, his head lowered to avoid eye contact.

"Do they suspect someone at the hospital? Do they suspect someone I work with?"

"They don't have much to go on." His words caused a tremble even he could see. He sat down beside her. 

"All those physical therapy sessions, all those meetings with the psychiatrist, all the back and forth to the hospital." She shuddered with the next thought. "He could have been right there. This whole time, he could have been watching me, wondering if I remember him, if I can identify him."

"A lot of people use latex gloves. It could be a complete stranger."

"And it could be someone I know very well."

"He's never going to hurt you again, Abbey," he assured her as he cautiously wrapped an arm over her chest and around her back. "I won't let him."

She snuggled into his frame, letting out a deep sigh as he lovingly stroked her hair. "Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"There's this song I listened to a few times. It helped me fall asleep. It made me feel safe."

His hands rested on her shoulders as he put a slight bit of distance between them. "What song?"

"It's a Dean Martin song. It's Italian. I found the record the night of Lizzie's recital."

"Vieni Su?" She nodded. "You remember Vieni Su?"

"I remember how it made me feel. Will you sing it to me?"

"Of course," he replied after pressing his lips to her forehead.

As he began to sing, she relaxed. The haunting lyrics didn't just comfort her. This time, they jarred her entire body with a memory so romantic, she mustered up all her strength to hold on to it. 

It was him. And she was mesmerized. Dressed in a pair of black slacks that molded perfectly to his rear and a regal blue shirt that brought out his beautiful eyes, he stood before her with a handsome smile and a subtle wink that captivated her senses.

He was holding her. His right arm was tucked under hers. His fingers were buried in the small of her back. Her hand was holding his left one and her head relaxed against his shoulder. A violinist serenaded them with the instrumental version of this very song. 

She bent herself back, swaying in his arms as the moonlight shined bright on top of his brown hair. The soft wind blew through her auburn tresses, barely lifting the hem of her lavender-colored summer dress that circled around her knees. A few sporadic flashes from the gondolas below lit up both their faces as she cupped her hand around the back of his head.

Now she understood the magic of Vieni Su. The feelings that came rushing back to her weren't just provoked by the familiar song. They were the product of the love she had for the man laying beside her. She was safe now. Nestled in his arms, enveloped in his warm embrace as he rocked her to sleep with his angelic voice, she knew she was safe.

TBC


	17. Say You Love Me Too

Jed tightened his hold around the soft nerf ball he bounced in his grip and practically sprinted towards the bedroom. He opened the door quietly, the tips of his toes grazing the carpet so he wouldn't wake her.

Abbey was snuggled under the sheets. Her hands peaked through the top to hold a blanket up to her neck. As he sat down beside her and brushed away a strand of stray hair that hung to the center of her forehead, her right eye emerged, slightly squinted to block out the light. 

"Good morning," he said softly.

"It's too early to be morning," she muttered in response as she opened both eyes.

"It's 7 a.m. Time to face the day." She ignored him. “Come on, sleepyhead! What’s with you? Surgeons have earlier days than this and the Abbey I know never slept in. She loved early morning hours.”

"You're already showered and dressed?"

"Uh huh."

"Why are you so perky?" She yanked on the covers and pulled them over her head, provoking a chuckle from Jed. 

"Remember that song you used to sing to get Lizzie up?" She turned her back to him. "I guess not." 

"I'm too tired to reminisce."

He stood and walked to the other side of the bed where he could reach down and touch her. His fingers grasped the hem of the blanket and slowly folded it down the length of her indigo-colored pajamas. 

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty, I've come to do my duty, I've come to get you out of bed, wake up, you sleepy head!"

A subtle crease in her brows confirmed she didn't remember. She propped herself up on the backs of her elbows. "That's the song I used to torture our child with?"

"Mmmm Hmmm."

"No wonder I don't remember," she replied as she plopped back down flat on her back. 

"Okay, seriously, Abbey, come on." He laughed as he shook her gently. "Look what I have in my hand."

"What?" She finally noticed of the ball he held. "You think that's going to make me want to 'face the day'?"

"I think it'll go a long way in showing you how serious I am. You asked for my help, right?"

"Yeah."

"So I went to see Hal Johnson yesterday. He says you're having an awful lot of trouble with this sweet little thing."

"It's not a sweet little thing when it's forced into my hands."

He extended his hand to her and without much hesitation, she accepted. "We're going to work on that."

She sluggishly rose to her feet, tucking her hair behind her ears and holding out her fingers just as he directed. He covered her hands with his own, lightly massaging them right around her wounds. This is what Hal had taught him. This is what he needed to do to loosen her muscles before she could strengthen her tendons. This part was easy. The pain would come with the next step. That part he dreaded.

"Feel okay?" he asked.

"Feels great. You have magical hands."

"You've told me that before."

"I know," she said with a coy grin that nearly made him blush. 

"You ready?" He was a bit apprehensive, but he hid it for her sake.

She presented her right palm with a sharp intake of breath. "I guess so."

With his own fingers lightly pressing against hers, he turned over the ball and tried to help her form a fist. She resisted, moaning from the pain in closing her hands. He paused briefly when her entire arm tensed up.

"I know it hurts."

"It really does."

"You can do this. You can do anything. I've seen you do amazing things, Abigail."

"This isn't really the same."

He cupped her chin to raise her head just after she lowered it. "The hell it's not. When you put your mind to something, you do it. You don't sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else. You never have."

His passion stirred a lighthearted smile. "Are you about to tell me another story?" 

"I may just have to bring back the Ableteers."

"Ooohh, the Ableteers," she teased. "Now those are some scary people."

He whirled her around in front of him and lifted her arm to secure the ball into her hand. From behind, he pressed into her fingers as he had before, this time with very little resistance. Abbey's wrist vibrated from the effort, but she didn't stop. She slowly wrapped each finger around the ball and delicately squeezed the yellow foam.

"See? What did I tell you?" he gloated as she turned to face him. "You know, from now on, I think you should just assume I'm always right." 

"And mighty egotistical as well."

"My ego is well-deserved."

"Yeah? Why's that?" As if a PhD. and a coveted spot in the State House weren't enough, she silently noted.

"Because the most beautiful woman in the world fell in love with me...twice." He leaned forward to steal a kiss, but she leaned backward, away from his lips.

"Not until you help me do five more," she declared with the ball still safely in her palm. "And then there's the other hand."

"Well this is a switch. What just happened?"

Her cheerfulness was replaced with a more serious, almost somber expression. "You really were right. I don't want to sit on the sidelines." She raised her chin in that special little way she had to show her pride and determination. "I'd like to be able to braid my daughter's hair."

"Okay." Barely containing his happiness, he positioned himself behind her once again as she brazenly gripped her fingers around the ball. 

They counted out loud with every excruciating squeeze. Abbey's body shook from exhaustion. She had to rely on Jed's strong frame to hold her up as she completed the set with both hands. Warm tears burned her eyes, but never made tracks down her cheeks. He turned her around to look her in the face, his own face beaming at her steely determination. 

"I need to be able to do fifteen."

"We'll get there." He wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. "In the meantime..." As he leaned in for his promised kiss, she ducked his grasp once again. "Hey!"

"You were mean to me."

"When was I mean?"

"You woke me up when I wanted to sleep," she reminded him as she threw the foamy ball at his chest.

"So for that, you renege on our deal?"

"No. I just wanted to make you wait." She approached him, but he backed away.

"The mood is gone," he said with a manipulative pout. "I don't want a kiss anymore."

Two could play at that game. "Are you going to stomp your little feet too?" 

He grabbed her wrist and pulled as she floated into his embrace with a soft, playful scream. "Shh, we're going to wake the girls." 

Too late. 

To their surprise, Ellie was already standing in the doorway. "Hi."

"Told you."

"Hey, Sweetheart!" Ellie ran into her mother's waiting arms as she did every morning. Abbey wasn't strong enough to pick her up, but the four-year-old was perfectly content with a monstrous hug instead. "You're up early."

"I just woke up!" 

"Where's your sister?" Jed asked. "Is she still asleep?"

"Uh huh!" Ellie emphatically nodded.

A mischievous smirk dominated his features as he lifted the little girl into his arms and kissed her cheek. "You wanna go wake her up?"

"Yeah!" 

"No, Jed! Let her sleep."

Ignoring Abbey's request, Jed turned to Ellie. "Mommy's no fun, is she?" Ellie stared at him silently, expressing herself with a small grin. "That's because she doesn't like to be woken up either." 

"Tell your daddy isn't not nice to wake people up."

Caught in the middle and torn from her mother's position by the fact that she actually did enjoy disturbing her sister from a peaceful sleep, Ellie remained quiet. 

Jed reached for the nerf ball and threw it at Abbey. 

"Practice," he ordered before he carried Ellie out and down the hall to Liz's room.

\- - -

The Bartlets tried to raise their girls with one sentiment that outweighed any other - your family is your lifeline. Being a Bartlet daughter offered limitless possibilities. With two intelligent, career-driven parents, it was no secret that lofty aspirations were not only encouraged, they were expected. Education was the cornerstone to success. Raw talent was to be nurtured and developed. 

And on the other side of the congested rainbow of prosperity was the Bartlet pot of gold - love. The insurmountable love that Jed and Abbey had for their children was never in question by anyone who knew any of the Bartlets. Similarly, the love between the daughters was just as strong. The sisters were the only ones who would know each other from cradle to grave, Abbey used to tell them. Getting along wasn't a chore. With Lizzie and Ellie, it was more difficult to be upset with one another than to adore each other. 

That is, unless the precarious balance of the family unit were to shift unexpectedly, leaving one sister out in the cold. 

Elizabeth had no idea that her mother was starting to remember things. She hadn't been told that Abbey's memories of her elder daughter were coming through the aftermath of the trauma practically unscathed. Jed and Abbey shielded her from that information until they were certain there would be no relapse, that it wasn't just a blip on the road to recovery. But if they hadn't tried so hard to protect her from disappointment, perhaps they could have saved her from the heartbreak that followed that day.

That evening, as Millie and Abbey wiped down the counter, seven-year-old Chloe chased a rambunctious Ellie through the house, coming dangerously close to the kitchen several times.

"Girls, you need to stay out of here," Millie warned.

"Lizzie, I thought you were going to keep an eye on the girls," Abbey called out to her daughter's bedroom.

"I am!" Liz answered. "Ellie! Chloe! Come here a second!"

Watching the little ones skip off to Liz's room, the two mothers exchanged a warm smile.

"They're so good together," Abbey remarked.

"They sure are. Chloe wants a little sister. I think Ellie's as close as she's going to get for a while."

"You know, there is this guy..."

"Uh uh, Abbey! No way. You should be concentrating on you right now," she replied, as she turned the faucet to fill a pot with water. "Are things really getting better?"

"I swear." She was reluctant to spill the news about the pregnancy. "Jed and I are so in-tune with one another, you know?"

"I told you he was your Prince Charming. You thought we were all exaggerating."

"Part of me did," Abbey admitted. "But I'm glad I was wrong."

"And what about the girls? How are they adjusting?"

"Well, going by Ellie, you'd never even know anything was out of the ordinary. I think she understands that something isn't right, but she doesn't dwell on it. As long as she has her parents, she's fine."

"And Liz?"

"She's still seeing that counselor, but I worry about her." Abbey turned off the faucet and carried the pot to the stove.

"Children are resilient."

"Yeah." She turned the dial and crossed in front of Millie. "I just want to give her a carefree childhood. She shouldn't have to deal with all this nonsense."

Both women leaned against the counter, their backs to the kitchen entrance, as Ellie and Chloe came barreling through unnoticed.

Ellie's brand new mary janes glided across the tiled floor. She slipped against the stove, rattling the burners on top and causing the warm water to splash over the rim and hit her arm. It was her gut-wrenching scream that sparked the adrenaline that coursed through Abbey's veins. Unfortunately, adrenaline wasn't the only thing it sparked. A quick flash of her worst nightmare - Ellie in danger from a violent attacker - came with it.

Her hands weren't a liability now. With the vigor of a mama bear protecting her cub, she hoisted Ellie into the air and ran towards the sink. Millie turned the water on full blast to the coldest possible temperature as Abbey soaked the young girl's arm for several minutes.

"Is it burned?" Millie asked.

After attempting to calm a sobbing Ellie, Abbey sat her on the countertop to examine the reddened skin. "No, it wasn't really hot yet. I think it scared her more than anything else." 

"Thank God."

"You're okay, baby," she assured Ellie with a hug, then pulled away, still trembling over the scary thoughts that manipulated her psyche. "How many times did I tell you not to run in the kitchen?" Ellie's tears became more pronounced at the sound of her mother's voice. "Elizabeth, get in here!" 

She didn't realize Liz had already heard the commotion and was standing nearby. "I'm here."

"I told you to keep your eye on them!" 

"I was."

"Then why did this happen?" Abbey angrily questioned.

"Abbey," Millie intervened. "Lets just be thankful that no one was hurt. You're just a little scared, right, Sweetie?" she asked a whimpering Ellie.

Abbey wiped away her daughter's tears. "I'm sorry, Princess." She gently touched Ellie's skin with her fingertips. "Does it hurt?" The little girl covered the spot without answering. "If you let me, I'll kiss it for you. It might feel better."

Ellie removed her hand and allowed for Abbey's kiss. "Okay."

As her lips parted the skin, Millie glanced at Abbey's hands. "How do they feel?"

"Okay. I guess I'm getting stronger than I thought."

"Now you can stop holding back and actually do your physical therapy - all of it."

Abbey returned Millie's demanding stare, complete with a mischievous grin, then turned to address Ellie. "You know, Ellie, I remember when we were all getting ready to go to your baptism and your Godmother here accidentally burned my arm with hot tea." 

"Yes, and your mother will never let me forget..." Chloe followed as Millie approached Abbey. "Wait a minute. Abbey, you remember that?"

"You spilled it all over me."

"Do you remember the ceremony?"

"Of course I do." Abbey looked at Ellie once again. "It was a special day in my daughter’s life. I don't know how I ever forgot it." 

She remembered. She remembered Ellie's special day. She remembered Ellie. Lizzie listened as her mother fondly recalled the day of her sister's christening. It was Abbey's first memory, as far as she knew, the first thing that reminded her of her past life, the first step in moving past the horror of the night that changed all their lives. It was Abbey's first memory. And it was of Ellie.

The 11-year-old stood in the kitchen, speechless. There were so many things she wanted to say. So many questions she wanted to ask. Maybe Abbey remembered her too. Maybe she could tell the story of her baptism. But Abbey was so caught up in making Ellie feel better - and blaming Lizzie for the accident - that Lizzie felt she could just fade into the background, her vulnerable heart shattered and ignored.

She tried to stifle the overwhelming emotions that took control of her mind. She tried to push back the hurt that was threatening a flood of tears from deep inside her body. 

The few that escaped, she furiously wiped away as she watched her mother place a loving hand on Ellie's cheek to dry any of her residual tears. "How about I put a bandage on your arm to seal the kiss?"

A bandage wasn't actually necessary, but to Ellie, it made all the difference in the world. Abbey wrapped up her forearm nice and snug to protect the clean skin, then reached around her tiny frame and lifted her off the counter. 

Millie greeted Ellie with a smile. "All better?" 

She nodded and ran towards Chloe as Abbey turned around to see Liz frozen to her spot. 

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. Forgive me, Lizzie." She offered a sincere apology, but Liz didn't budge. "Why don't you go back to playing with the Walkman Daddy bought you and Millie and I will look after the girls."

The little voice inside Lizzie's head was eager to convince her it was no big deal, that her mother was remembering her past in bits and pieces and the fact that she remembered Ellie first wasn't a symbol of the love she had for either of her girls. She wanted desperately to believe that, so she retreated to her room without another word.

But locked away behind the four walls she viewed as a private sanctuary didn't help. Her cries were now uninterrupted. She turned on her music and curled herself around in her blanket as her emotions festered to the breaking point.

Unfortunately, it was a regrettable mistake during dinner that triggered an unavoidable firestorm. 

After saying grace, Liz stared at the food in front of her. She liked the chicken. She liked the rice. But before she got any further in her inspection, something jumped out at her. There was cauliflower on her plate. Abbey had made cauliflower. 

"EW!" she screeched.

"What?" Jed asked before he noticed the marinated vegetable.

"It's cauliflower! I don't eat cauliflower." Abbey should have known, she told herself. In her young mind, it was just another insult.

"Lizzie," Jed started.

"I don't!" she insisted. "Why did you let her make it?"

"I didn't know that's what she was making. Just push it aside. You don't have to eat it. But you do have to have something if you want dessert."

"I don't want dessert. It's chocolate cheesecake. I hate chocolate cheesecake." Already upset by what happened earlier, there was no stopping the tantrum that had just started.

"No, you don't," Jed answered. 

"It's your father's favorite," Abbey interjected. "And Ellie's."

"It's not mine," Liz said calmly with an obvious edge to her voice.

Abbey looked to her husband for an explanation. "I'm still back on the cauliflower. What's the problem with cauliflower?"

"There was an incident a few years ago."

"You made me eat it!" Lizzie interrupted.

"WE made her TRY it," Jed corrected. "Turns out, she's allergic."

"Oh no."

"Yeah. She got sick almost immediately. And you and I got the silent treatment for about a week afterwards."

"I'm sorry, Sweetie. I didn't know."

"Yes you did,” Lizzie replied. “You just didn't remember.”

Millie lowered her head to avoid the uncomfortable intrusion. It was a family conflict, one that didn't require her involvement. 

"That's enough," Jed warned his older daughter. "You can eat the chicken and the rice. You like those."

"It all looks gross," she complained as she pushed her plate aside.

"I'll eat it, Mommy." Ellie was always eager to please and desperate to make peace.

Resentful and jealous, Liz turned on her sister. "You know the only reason they had you was to make me happy."

"HEY!" Jed's voice startled everyone, causing a chorus of gasps from the three girls. "Knock it off! What in the world is the matter with you?"

Liz folded her arms in front of her defiantly. "I wanna be excused."

"No. You're going to sit here and you're going to eat something."

"But I said I don't want anything." Her hostility was now overcome by sadness.

In a blatant contradiction to what Jed had said only seconds earlier, Abbey responded. "Liz, if you don't want to eat, then you may be excused while the rest of us finish dinner."

Her mother could do nothing right in Liz's eyes. Suddenly, leaving the table was the only option. "I bet you would have remembered if Ellie was the one who was allergic." 

The troubled girl slapped her napkin onto the table and ran to her room. 

Jed waited for the inevitable slamming of the door before he addressed Abbey. "I wish you hadn't done that. I don't like being undermined in front of her." Remorseful and confused, Abbey dropped her fork onto her plate. "Not to mention the fact that now she's just going to close up again."

"I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I didn't know what to do."

"Then you shouldn't have done anything." He wasn't angry. He was frustrated. "Lizzie will close herself off if you let her. She's obviously upset about something. She needs to talk about it."

"Fine. Then I'll stay out of it." Abbey hastily stood and left the table, followed immediately by Millie.

Chloe and Ellie both watched as their mothers walked away. Chloe ran after Millie while Ellie struggled with her next move.

Finally, she pushed out her chair and hopped to the ground. She walked past all the deserted seats across the table and sat down right next to her father, looking up at him with sympathetic eyes. "You can have my cheesecake too if you want."

 

TBC


	18. Say You Love Me Too

"Abbey!" 

Millie snapped at her heels as Abbey walked furiously towards the kitchen. With a good shove, she pushed aside the pots and pans that were still on the stove and reached above for a smaller one. 

"Don't say anything. Just don't say anything." She moved to the sink and turned on the faucet, increasing the water pressure in hopes of drowning out Millie's voice.

It didn't work. "You need to talk to Lizzie," she shouted above the echoing sound. "Don't leave things like this."

"You heard Jed," Abbey snapped. "I obviously don't know what I'm doing with her. I haven't been able to get along with her for more than five minutes since this whole thing started."

"Then you need to try harder."

"I don't know her, Millie!" she argued as she walked back to the stove. "Jed was right, she closes up. I knew that. I remembered that about her. But I went ahead and sent her to her room because I didn't know what else to do. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?" 

Frustration was just the tip of the iceberg. The myriad of feelings that engulfed Abbey were almost too overwhelming to express. Levels of rage and anger had been discretely cast aside to make room for the stabbing pain that took root inside like a piece of glass ready to pierce her flesh. She was haunted by the notion that mothers are always supposed to know what to do. They're the caretakers. They're the nurturers. They're the counselors and the protectors. She was none of those things. She hadn't been for some time. 

Lizzie was strong and willful. And now, she was also rebellious and sad, an eleven-year-old child whose entire world had been toppled. And the one person who should be able to fix it, the one person who was always expected to fix it, couldn't come through. Visible hurt stirred inside. Her carefree demeanor had vanished the night the innocent rose-colored glasses with which she viewed the world had been viciously snatched off her face, violently stomped on and discarded - the night her mother was taken from her, only to return hours later as a completely different person, a stranger who didn't even recognize her own family.

Abbey was confronted with her guilt before. It had consumed her from the second she was introduced to her two daughters like an outsider who struggled to remember a familiar face. In those early days, part of her wondered what would have happened if she had died that night. Would the grief of losing their mother have destroyed Lizzie and Ellie? Would they have been destined to forever relive the trauma of such a devastating loss? Or would they have been better off suffering a temporary heartbreak if they were ensured a happier life, filled with the kind of closure she wasn't sure she could ever give them? 

"I can't seem to do anything right when it comes to her," Abbey said softly as Jed gingerly approached.

His hands were stuffed in his pocket and a look of remorse was plastered across his face. "Abbey?" 

"I don't really want to talk about it," she said before he could begin the discussion.

"What are you doing?" he asked when she turned from him suddenly.

"I'm making spaghetti."

"You don't have to do that. She really does like chicken."

"She's not going to eat it and I'll be damned if I'm going to let her go to bed without eating something." He stood there quietly, as if scrutinizing her every move, at least in her mind. "What?"

"Nothing," he replied. He wanted to explain his comment at the table. There were things she didn't know, things he had yet to tell her. "Listen, she's been through a lot."

"You don't have to defend her to me."

"The night this happened...when you were missing...you have no idea what Lizzie went through, what they both went through. The fear and the uncertainty. There were times, I'm sure, when she thought the worst. I don't think she ever got over it."

Abbey rested her hands against the edge of the counter and slumped forward, a preventative measure to compose herself. "I said you don't have to defend her to me. I don't blame her. It's not her fault."

"And it's not yours either. We just need to work together to move past this." He approached her when she didn't respond. "I may have been a little harsh. Maybe the best thing to do was to send her to her room." He placed his hands on her shoulders and kissed the back of her head. "I'm going to go talk to her."

Millie snuck up beside Abbey as Jed left. "Are you okay?"

"I meant what I said at the table. I didn't know what else to do. I never know what else to do. I don't know how to be her mother and that drives me crazy because I know I once could. I know she and I were close. I remember being close to her."

"You need to talk to your daughter."

"She doesn't want to hear what I have to say."

"It depends on how you start. You could start by telling her that what she heard has nothing to do with your love for her."

"What she heard?"

"Abbey, the last thing she said before going to her room was that if Ellie was allergic to cauliflower, you would have remembered. That didn't bother you?"

"Of course it bothered me. It all bothered me. She's mad at me because I yelled at her when Ellie got hurt."

"Or, she's upset because you remember Ellie and not her. She was standing right here when you told me about the day of Ellie's christening. You told me that you remembered Ellie."

The realization hit Abbey so sharply, it nearly took her breath away. The telling of that story had unveiled such deep affection towards her baby girl. When she looked at Ellie's face, the four-year-olds tear-stained cheeks still rosy from her sobs, she recalled the christening with pride. Elizabeth had been standing right there and never once had she tried to reach out to her elder daughter. 

While Ellie had been showered with her mother's love, Liz had been trampled by Abbey's wrath. 

"That explains it - why she stood there and said nothing when I apologized for yelling at her, why she was so angry at dinner, why she turned on Ellie, which I don't think she's ever done before."

"You have to straighten this out."

"I will," she replied to Millie as she stared down the long hallway that led to Lizzie's room. "Jed's in there with her now."

If there was anyone Liz would always open up to, it was her father. If everyone else failed to break down the walls she constructed around her feelings, he'd waltz in and somehow, they'd simply collapse with the sound of his soothing voice. 

But not this time. This time, even Jed couldn't make things right.

"Just leave me alone!" She begged him several times, dismissing Jed's refusal to leave.

"I want to know what's got you this upset. It's not just the cauliflower."

"Why not?"

"Because something was bothering you before you ever saw the cauliflower. What is it?"

"Nothing!" Lizzie wiggled her way under her blanket and pulled the top over her head. 

"Fine. Then you can stay in here until you learn to stop taking it out on everyone else," he angrily replied before he left her room.

The door was left ajar after his hasty exit, providing a perfect-sized gap for a snooping Ellie. She stood away from the frame and peeked through the opening. Lizzie recognized the faint sound of tiny shoes brushing the carpet a few feet away. At first glance, she saw the springy blonde curls and the sparkling aqua-colored eyes staring back at her.

She swung her legs off the bed and grabbed a hold of Mimi, the raggedy bunny that had become a favorite of Ellie's. Ellie had left it in her room when she fell asleep with her big sister the night before. Liz extended her hand in a clear invitation for Ellie to enter. The little girl pushed open the door and ran to retrieve her stuffed animal, her concern obvious in the way she looked at her sister when Liz curled back up under her blanket.

"Don't cry, Lizzie."

She wasn't crying, but the tears were lurking just beneath the surface. If not for her stubborn strength in hiding them, they would have trailed down her face the moment she left the dinner table. 

Elizabeth had inherited both parents' fiery tempers. But the more she stewed in her bedroom, the less it became about anger. It was only hurt keeping her in there now and there was only one person who could band-aid the wound that was causing her such pain.

Although the door had been left opened during Ellie's entrance, Abbey still knocked to announce herself. 

"Go away!" Liz ordered. Her request was ignored. "I said go away!"

"And I'm saying I don't want this to get any worse than it already is and I don't think you do either, so how about you not talk to me like that?"

Millie followed Abbey, carrying a dinner tray she held out in front of her. "Look, Lizzie. Your mom made you spaghetti, your favorite."

"There's dessert too, Lizzie!" Ellie gleefully noted.

"Yes, there is," Abbey confirmed. "We have chocolate cheesecake, since we all know you actually do like it. But just in case you don't feel like having any tonight, I included a small plate of chocolate chip cookies as well."

"I'm not hungry."

In an effort to excuse herself, Millie handed the tray to Abbey and approached Ellie. "Hey, El, why don't you and I go back to finish our dinner, then I'll play a game of Candyland with you and Chloe?" 

That was all the persuading Ellie needed.

Abbey closed the door behind them then set the tray on the desk in the corner of the room. "You're going to have to eat something. And we're going to have to talk. It's your choice which comes first."

"I don't wanna talk." She covered her eyes with her arm to shield herself from her mother's glare.

"Tough." Abbey sat down beside her. "I had no idea that you were allergic to cauliflower. I didn't remember. I wouldn't have done something like that on purpose. You know that, don't you?"

"Uh huh," Lizzie mumbled.

"When I was looking at Ellie's arm earlier, Millie and I were chatting about the christening...Ellie's christening." Lizzie turned to her side, away from Abbey. "Do you remember what I said?" Liz shrugged. "Tell me what I said."

"I don't wanna talk about it." Her voice was small and broken. 

"You heard me tell Millie about the baptism, about us getting ready for it, about the fact that I remembered the actual ceremony..."

"You said you can't believe you ever forgot such a special day in your daughter's life," Liz bitterly added, still refusing to look at Abbey.

"I did say that. But you know what you didn't hear?"

"I don't care," she answered softly.

"Lizzie, I'm trying to make us both feel better here. I know you're upset. Just talk to me."

"I already said I don't wanna talk." 

Abbey stood up and paced the room, reluctant to leave, but fearful of pushing her. As she faced the door, she whispered, “I wish you would because I really want to talk to you.”

Several minutes of silence were suddenly interrupted by the eruption of raw emotion. Liz sat up and looked at her mother, her eyes piercing into Abbey's back, wondering if she was leaving. "I'm your daughter too!"

It wasn't a statement as much as it was a plea. A plea that her mother remember her, that she remember that Ellie wasn’t the only one. 

The soul-shattering anguish behind her words forced Abbey to spin back around. "Of course you are."

"You didn't even know I don't eat cauliflower."

"That was a horrible mistake." She walked towards the bed and sat down along the edge. "But it doesn't mean I don't remember you. I remember so many things about you, Baby Doll."

Everything else could have been brushed aside as shallow sentiment used to calm the waters between them. But Abbey called her baby doll for the first time since before the attack. The special nickname she was given as a baby hadn't been forgotten. That changed everything.

"You do?" she asked with a few tears pooling around her dark lashes. 

Abbey held up her finger to signal that she'd be back. When she returned a few minutes later, she handed Liz a white box, draped in a beige overlay. "Open it."

Inside was a large white book, not really a binder, but more of a scrapbook. A picture of a newborn baby girl was laminated to the cover and above was the name Elizabeth Ann Bartlet. Lace trim lined the square-shaped photograph and other designs shadowed the pink calligraphy. 

Liz examined it cautiously, the first page immediately capturing her interest. "Is that me?" she asked, pointing to a picture of an infant cradled in her father's arms.

"Yes, it is. That was the day we brought you home from the hospital. Your dad was so nervous about holding you. Right after you were born, I practically had to order him to pick you up."

"Why was he nervous?"

"He thought he might drop you," Abbey laughed. "One night, when you were sleeping in your crib in our room, I kept staring at you. I wanted to wake you up and play with you, but he told me not to. He said to let you sleep. So I did. And as soon as I left the room, you know what he did?"

"What?"

"He woke you up."

Lizzie chuckled at the humor in her mother's voice. "Did I cry?"

"Yes, you did, and so I made him put you to sleep. Lizzie, he was so confused. He had no idea what to do with you. He left the room and when I went after him several minutes later, he was singing an adorable little lullaby. You were looking up at him completely mesmerized, the same way you look at him even today."

"You remember the look?"

"I remember it like it was yesterday. When I saw your big blue eyes staring up at him, I closed my own eyes and thanked God for blessing me with such a sweet, beautiful little girl." She tenderly tucked a strand of Liz's hair behind her ear. "Everything I put in this book is there because I remember it."

As Liz turned the page, she realized there were many more just like it, all packed with pictures that triggered a special memory in Abbey's mind. But interspersed throughout the book in between all the birthday and milestone photos were a few blank pages. 

"What are these?" she asked.

"That's the reason I haven’t given this to you yet. I have pictures for those pages, but I haven't put them in because I don't remember them. So I'd like to ask you a favor."

"Me?"

"Some of my memories are still a little hazy. I know you and I were close and I want to know everything about that. You're the only person in the whole world who can teach me about our relationship." Abbey took a breath to allow a short pause. "Will you do that? Will you help me?"

Liz immediately nodded, thrilled that she had even been asked. "When?"

"After Millie and Chloe leave and I put Ellie to bed, I thought maybe you and I could roll out the sleeping bags and camp out in the living room, have our own little slumber party, like we used to, while we finish the scrapbook."

"Will you let me do your hair?" Exactly the opposite of their past slumber parties, Lizzie was the one who wanted to play the hairdresser this time.

"Any way you like."

The 11-year-old glided her fingers over the photos in the book as she continued to turn the pages. "Mom?"

"Yeah?

"I'm sorry." She wrapped her hand around Abbey's neck and pushed herself into a hug.

"Oh Lizzie, I love you so much. I can't even tell you."

She pulled out of the embrace with a smile, the first one she flashed all night. "Beyond the sun, the moon, and the stars, to eternity and if someday it should end, then back again. That's what you used to say."

Abbey's lips were pursed together and a proud grin dominated her features. "See? I knew you'd be an excellent teacher."

 

TBC


	19. Say You Love Me Too

Usually reserved for girls and teenagers with the energy and drive to talk the night away, slumber parties have the ability to strengthen the bond of any relationship. That's a lesson Abbey learned at a young age when, at a fifth grade slumber party, the little girl with auburn pigtails and sparkling green eyes met her blonde-haired, blue-eyed counterpart named Millicent O'Connell. Both intelligent and competitive, hours of playing cards and board games easily led to a night of gossip and laughter.

More than twenty years had passed since that sleepover awarded her the beginning of a lifelong friendship, but Abbey was hopeful that like all timeless traditions spanning the decades, slumber parties hadn't lost their charm. She shouldn't expect miracles, Jed had warned. But she didn't want miracles. All she wanted was one night to help repair a special relationship that had been badly damaged. One night to start the healing process with Elizabeth.

"We're going to stay up, right?" Lizzie asked her mother as the two headed to the kitchen to grab a couple of drinks.

"If that's what you want."

"Then can we have more dessert?"

"More cookies?"

Lizzie lowered her head with a bashful grin. "More cheesecake."

Abbey returned her smile. "Pour us each a glass of milk and I'll get the cheesecake."

"Can't we have milkshakes?"

"Not if you want another slice of cheesecake. That's entirely too much, especially since you've already had two desserts."

"I know you don't remember, but you used to let me have as much dessert as I wanted."

Manipulation came in many forms. When it was cleverly disguised in the face of a sweet eleven-year-old girl, it was harder to reprimand. But Abbey managed just fine. 

"You know what I do remember? I remember the punishment for lying to your mother. So new ground rule." She bent down to Liz's level. "No lying. Or else I'm going to break out the celery sticks instead."

In a clear admission of guilt, Lizzie chuckled as she returned the milk to the fridge. "Celery? Ew. Why couldn't THAT be what you forgot?"

“No such luck.”

“Thanks for making me spaghetti and not making me eat the chicken.”

“You’re welcome.”

Grabbing the two plates of cheesecake, Abbey guided Liz out of the kitchen and into the living room. Sleeping bags and blankets covered the plush carpet. Pillows were sprawled out awkwardly over their own private little fortress. Hair brushes, ribbons, and nail polish sat on the coffee table right next to Lizzie's scrapbook. A few abandoned photographs sat on top. 

Abbey picked up one of the photos, her thumb gently touching the glossy finish. "This is a great one."

"That was a few years ago."

"The day of your First Communion," Abbey recalled to Lizzie's surprise. "That's what it was, right?"

"Yeah," she replied, watching Abbey stare lovingly at the image in front of her.

The satin white dress fit loose on the top of Liz’s seven-year-old frame. The lacy organza bottom hung over her bent knees as she sat in her mother's lap, the side of her face pressed up against Abbey's chest while snuggled in an embrace that appeared to be so tight, it crushed the loose waves of chestnut hair that spilled over her shoulders. 

It was a happy picture, one that evoked all the love between a mother and daughter as they sat in front of the church, carelessly laughing and enjoying the beautiful spring day. 

"Is that a cross on the bracelet?"

"Uh huh. It’s a charm bracelet. And those are real pearls. You gave it to me that morning."

With only a few quick flashes of memory, Abbey put down the picture and looked at her daughter. "Tell me more."

Liz curled her legs around herself and dropped her fork onto her plate. She was not only ready, willing, and able, she was excited to tell the story. 

"We went to New York to buy my dress because it was sold out of the store in Boston and we didn't like any of the dresses in Manchester or Hanover as much. Daddy said it was stupid to drive all that way just for a dress, but you told him that this dress made me look like a real life princess."

"Did he come with us?"

"No. He had to stay with Ellie. But I don't think Ellie liked that we didn't take her. She cried the whole time we were gone."

Abbey let out of a soft sigh. "Ellie's really attached to me, huh?"

"She doesn't like it like it when you leave her home." Suddenly, a serious expression broke through Lizzie's cheerful demeanor. "Did you make Ellie a book just like the one you made for me?"

"Yes," Abbey answered, unsure of the reaction she was about to receive.

To her relief, Lizzie's face lit up with a smile. "Good! It would hurt her feelings if you didn't."

Thrilled that Liz cared so much about her sister’s feelings, Abbey whispered, "And do you want to know a secret?"

"Yeah!"

"I made one for your father too. But neither of them know so for now, you have to keep this just between us, okay?"

"I promise!"

"I really like that you're always looking out for Ellie," Abbey said as she looked at another photo, this one of Liz standing behind her little sister. A cake in front of the girls read "Happy Birthday Ellie" and the giant number "2" glowed with a flame.

"Isn't that what a big sister is supposed to do?"

"Yes, but you do it remarkably well."

Lizzie shrugged. "When we don't fight."

"You fight less than Aunt Kate and I did when we were growing up. Ellie told me you apologized to her for what happened at dinner." She lifted Liz's chin to look her in the eye. "You're a great big sister, Lizzie," she added with a kiss to her forehead. "Now give me the glue stick."

Liz handed over the glue as Abbey turned the picture. "I thought you didn't remember my First Communion."

"I remembered a lot of it already and you just helped fill in some blanks."

"Like what?"

"Like when you told me that was a cross on the bracelet. I had been shopping for days and I couldn't decide between two of the most gorgeous bracelets I had seen. One had a cross, the other an angel. I remembered that part. And now that I know I picked the cross, it's a little hazy, but I remember paying for it."

"Really?"

"Really. Also, I remembered a road trip, just me and you. We were driving for hours and we must have spent the whole time playing the license plate game in the car."

Lizzie propped herself up on her knees. "That was New York! That's where we were going!"

"I know," Abbey said simply as she held up the photo. "And when we got there, this wasn't the dress we were looking for."

"They were sold out too."

"But you saw this one and you didn't even care about the other one anymore. You pulled it off the hanger and said 'this is it! I want this one!'"

Lizzie nodded. "I really liked it."

"And you looked even more beautiful than you did in the other one."

"You remember the other one too?"

"I remember it was very similar to a dress Daddy bought you when you were five." Abbey turned the pages of the scrapbook to the picture of five-year-old Lizzie in her father's arms. "That one right there."

"It used to be my favorite."

"And you were very unhappy when you outgrew it. I don't think you got over it until we found our First Communion dress," she said with a laugh. "But that doesn't surprise me. You always loved white dresses." She flipped back towards the beginning of the book. "You see that?"

"Yeah."

"That was your first birthday," Abbey said, pointing to the picture of Lizzie in yet another lacy white dress. "I took you to Harrods the week before and held you in my arms. The only dresses you reached out for were the white ones."

"It's a pretty color."

"That was also the day you took your first step," Abbey mentioned softly while staring down at the photograph as if reminding herself.

"It was?"

"Mmm hmm." She looked up at her daughter's beaming face. "See? I remember more than you think. And now, thanks to you, I remember all your white dresses. I remember everything about your First Communion, including the musical angel figurine I gave you that afternoon." She glued the back of the photograph and pressed it down on the page she had already reserved for it. "And you know why I gave it to you?"

"You said it was because I was your angel."

"I remember that too," Abbey said proudly. "But there are a few more things I don't remember." She held out several more pictures that had yet to earn a coveted spot in the book. "What's this?"

"That was at the farm last summer."

"Can you tell me about the farm?"

"It's really neat!" Lizzie exclaimed. "We have horses there and everything!" 

"Yeah?"

"And Daddy had a pool built last year so we can go swimming now and not just in the pond either!"

"I used to let you swim in the pond?"

Liz lowered her head shamefully. "Sometimes, if you were there with us. But Daddy used to let us go all the time when he took us."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Abbey chuckled.

And so began hours of reminiscing, both mother and daughter sharing their own stories of the past eleven years while engaging in a marathon hair and nail session. Later, as their exhaustion began to rear its ugly head, they wiggled down into their sleeping bags, tucked safely under the blankets, a scrapbook and glue stick between them as they pasted each and every photo inside.

Abbey's goal was to bridge the distance. What she didn't count on was closing it entirely. Never before had she felt so close to Lizzie. And never before had Lizzie felt so close to her. There was more work to be done, more counseling sessions for both, more talking as they headed towards a deeper understanding of the circumstances surrounding that fateful night, but it was a start. 

Slumber parties hadn't lost their charm after all. And neither had the fine art of storytelling. 

"Can we do this again?" Lizzie asked as she rested her head on her pillow, her eyes fluttering with drowsiness.

"Of course we can. Maybe next time we'll invite Ellie to join us."

"Yeah. And maybe Amy and her mom can spend the night too. We did that in Girl Scouts once - a mother/daughter slumber party."

"I remember," Abbey said, looking up at the ceiling, happy to be able to mutter those special little words. "Good night, Baby Doll."

"Good night."

\- - -

As the sun began to rise, Abbey noticed that Lizzie had fallen asleep. She crawled out from under the covers and made her way to the bay window overlooking the lake behind the house. So entranced in the vivid memories that were still dancing around her mind, she didn't even realize that Jed had snuck up behind her.

"Hey," he whispered in her ear as he rested his arms on the back of her shoulders. "Good morning."

"Shh, Lizzie's still sleeping," she told him as she turned under his fingers. "How was your night?"

"Not as wild as yours apparently," he remarked as he separated the tight curls Liz had created in her hair.

"Oh yeah," Abbey laughed. "I let her do my hair and I tried to braid hers."

"And?"

"Almost," she said, only a little sadness masking her tone. "I'm getting there." 

He ran his thumb across the dark smudges under her eyes. "Did you get any sleep at all last night?"

"No," she admitted. "Let’s go to the bedroom. We need to talk." 

He followed closely behind her and watched as she shut the door. "What's going on?"

"There's something I have to tell you."

"What is it?" 

"Last night was great. Lizzie and I talked about so many things, so many memories I didn't even know existed. She helped bring all those out."

His concern faded prematurely. "That's great."

"It really was and the reason it was is because I finally felt safe. Really safe, you know? I want to feel like that all the time."

"That's what I want too."

"The only way to do that is for me to remember everything. I want Susan to put me under hypnosis."

That was enough to wipe the smile off his face. “No.”

"Jed."

"Absolutely not, Abbey. No way." He held up his hands in adamant refusal. "You're pregnant and you're supposed to avoid subjecting yourself to the same kind of stress that landed you in the hospital once before."

"It won't be like that."

"How do you know?"

"You have to trust me."

"It's not about trust. It's about something you're powerless against. Something so horrific that it caused your brain to completely block it out. Why would you want to force yourself to remember?"

"Because I have to. Do you understand? I have to. For me, for you, for the girls. Once I get past this, then I can remember everything, Jed. Everything." He stood silent, waiting for her to continue. "You're the one who wanted me to remember. You're the one who pushed me to remember."

"That was before I knew you were pregnant, before you were rushed to the ER," he reminded her. 

“And it was before I told you I loved you. So, what, now that you know I’m not going to leave you, you don’t care if I remember anything else?”

“That’s not fair.”

He was right, it wasn’t. And Abbey knew it. “I take it back. But I still want to do this. It’s important to me.”

"What if you're wrong about this? What if remembering pushes your body too far? What if you end up losing this baby? What if this does more harm than good?"

She took a deep breath as she crossed in front of him. "I won't let it."

"Right because you've been so good at controlling this thing from the start," he replied sarcastically, causing her to spin around to face him. 

"Susan's a doctor, an MD. She works at the hospital. She isn't going to do anything to jeopardize this pregnancy. If things get out of hand..."

"If things get out of hand, it might be too late to stop. Then what? What if she brings you out of it and you still can't stop the damage?"

Abbey sluggishly collapsed on the bed, her gaze never leaving her husband's. "All right." 

Surely she wasn't conceding that easily. "What?"

"I said all right. Maybe hypnosis is too much. You're right."

"I am?" It always shocked him when he won a battle like this. There had to be more.

And there was. "But I still want to meet with her. I want her to walk me through the past, through the attack."

"Wait. You just agreed that was a bad idea."

"No. I agreed hypnosis was a bad idea. In a regular session, I can stop at any time. I can consciously stop whatever I don't want to remember."

"No." He continued to protest.

"Jed."

"I said no. I don't want you to do this. I'm saying no and the answer is no." After all these years, he still reacted out of impulse, instead of giving himself a moment to realize that kind of attitude would only drive towards her goal. "Or something."

"Are you forgetting that I'm not one of your daughters?"

"I amended it."

"You did?"

"The 'or something.' That was an amendment."

She sat up, puzzled by his rationalization. "That wasn't so much an amendment as it was a reaction to an afterthought, no doubt brought on by my humorless stare."

She knew him so well. He hated that. "Do we not have enough to argue about?" 

"Look..."

"I'm scared, Abbey. I'm the one who's scared this time. There's a reason your mind has blocked out that night."

"Don't you want to know what that reason is?"

"Of course I do. But not if it means risking you or our baby. I don't want you to do this."

"I respect your opinion."

"Not enough to abandon this crazy idea?"

Abbey shrugged, unable to tell him what he wanted so desperately to hear. "I'm not asking for your permission, Jed."

"I don't like it."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"And I want it on the record that I was against it from the start."

"Duly noted." A moment of silence passed between them. "You'll be adequately armed with 'I told you so's' should something go wrong."

“Why do you do that?”

“What?”

“I told you so’s? I have never...”

“Okay, okay. I was just kidding.”

Jed accepted that and returned to the subject at hand. "Is this because of Lizzie? Did she say something?"

"No."

"One sleepover and suddenly you're ready to remember?"

"Don't do that. Don't make light of it. You have no idea what I've been going through."

“Don’t I? I’ve been going through it right here with you.”

“It’s different.”

He sat down beside her, sympathy clear in his expression. "Okay."

"You know, when I was little, my mom used to tell me if I went to bed early, the morning would come that much sooner. So on Christmas Eve, the night before my birthday, and all those other special days, I'd tire myself out and run up to bed hours before I actually had to. Grandma would look at me and say 'Abigail, every time you close your eyes, another moment of your life passes you by and you don't even know it. You should stay up and enjoy every second because life is too short to miss anything.'"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't realize it back then, but she was right, Jed. You asked me if I went to sleep last night. The answer is no. Because I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid that I'll wake up and it’ll be fourteen years later than it was when I went to sleep."

"Abbey." He gently brushed his hand over hers.

"This is something I have to do. I hope that you'll support me. And if you don't, then I hope you'll understand why I won't let that stop me."

She stood up and walked out of the room as Jed watched, unwilling to follow and reluctant to concede. This was Abbey's decision. If her words hadn't made that clear, the slamming of the door had certainly driven the point home. 

All he could do now was prepare himself for the inevitable emotional breakdown that was lurking just around the corner. Only this time, it might not be Abbey who needed protection from the onslaught of terrifying memories. It could very well be him. 

TBC


	20. Say You Love Me Too

Rated R for violence

Jed's eyes danced around the breakfast table, taking note of silent Abbey and unusually reserved Elizabeth. The tension he felt wasn't imagined. It was real. It had been there ever since Abbey independently made the decision to delve into the night of the attack. Gripped by fear and insecurity, she had become somewhat withdrawn. And he was angry. Angry that his objection had been completely ignored, that his opinion didn't seem to matter. 

Lizzie didn't have to be told what was going on. She always knew when her parents were upset, when the dynamic had changed and left everyone feeling a bit somber and unhappy. As soon as she sensed the emotional blender at work once again, she simply adapted to the mood in the house. 

Only Ellie seemed oblivious. Her mischievous chatter echoed through the room as she swirled her fork around her plate with her tiny fingers barely gripping the handle while she scribbled letters with the prongs.

"Ellie, stop playing with the syrup and eat your pancakes," Jed ordered.

After only a few bites of food, table time had miraculously turned into playtime. Dressed in her ice pink Snow White bathing suit and matching flip flops, she fidgeted around her seat anxiously. 

"I'm not hungry," she declared as she slid her rear to the edge of her chair and stretched her short legs to the floor. 

"You have to finish your breakfast."

Ignoring her father's stern tone, she continued her trek downward until her head bumped the side of the table, causing it to rattle and nearly spilling her orange juice all over Lizzie.

"Ellie!" he admonished. "Sit up in your chair and eat your breakfast."

"You know, it's wrong to eat then swim," Liz interjected with a grin directed at her parents to relieve the strain.

"Then we can call Amy's mom and tell her you two won't be going," Abbey replied, her own grin reflective of her daughter's.

"I was just saying..."

"It takes an hour and a half to get to the beach. You won't be swimming for a while." 

Jed's voice wasn't nearly as lighthearted as Abbey's, immediately casting a gloomy cloud over the foursome. Lizzie looked down at the utensils in her hand and absently pushed the food around her plate while Ellie sat herself up and picked up her fork in a silent gesture that made Jed cringe.

He hadn't meant for his statement to have such a harsh edge. 

"Just eat a few more bites," he gently pleaded once again with the four-year-old. She twirled the small bite-sized pieces around her plate, but didn't respond. "If you eat a few more bites I'll play Candyland with you tonight."

"Okay!" Ellie began to pack her mouth with the leftover pancakes. 

"Not all at once, Sweetie." Abbey took a napkin to the syrup that began to dribble down her chin as she asked Jed, "So bribery is the answer?" 

"It always works for me."

"We've talked about this before."

"There's absolutely no harm in getting her to eat her breakfast by telling her I'll play Candyland with her."

"Until she figures out that you would have played anyway," Abbey responded with a playful smirk. 

"I'm finished!" Ellie declared.

"Yes, you are," Jed picked her up out of her chair and headed for the sink. "Now let’s clean you up before they get here."

"Too late. They're here!" Lizzie called out, her eyes glued to the window as she grabbed her towel and slipped into her beach shorts, leaving only the top of her royal blue bathing suit visible. "Lets go!"

"Hang on a second." Abbey stepped in front of her. "You remember what we talked about?"

"Yes, I'll make sure Ellie doesn't go in too far and we'll both listen to Mrs. Gardner."

"Why can't I go far?" Ellie asked.

"Because you can't swim as good as I can," Liz answered.

"As 'well,'" Jed corrected.

"I can so!" Ellie was clearly outraged by the accusation. "I wanna go in all the way and swim only under the water. I don't wanna come out at all!"

"Can't do that, Princess."

She turned to her father with wrinkled brows. "Why not?"

"You're a girl, not a fish. You're going to do exactly what Mrs. Gardner and Lizzie say."

"Do you have the sunblock?" 

"Yes." Liz let out an exasperated sigh at her mother's question and urged her father to let Ellie down. "Come on, Ellie." 

Ellie’s legs barely hit the floor when she began running, Lizzie following behind. They shouted their goodbyes and without a second glance, they sprinted towards the car, impatiently jumping in as Abbey spoke to Mrs. Gardner. 

Jed watched from the porch. He couldn't hear a word between the two women, but Abbey's faint giggle caught his attention. It seemed so forced, he thought. Marred by a dreary expression afterwards, it was obvious her demeanor was nothing more than a facade.

"What?" she asked as she noticed his intruding stare on her way back into the house.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" She closed the door behind them and disappeared into the kitchen. He didn't expect her to return so soon. But she did. She handed him two aspirin and a glass of water. 

"What's this for?"

"You have a headache," she said as she pulled out his chair to help him sit back down.

"I do?"

"You've been rubbing your temples all morning. And you've been awfully cranky." Standing behind him, she reached forward, gently caressing her fingers around his forehead. "It is a headache, right?"

"Yeah," he answered. "I'm just surprised you knew. I mean, you used to know. It shocked me how you used to know."

"You mean it irritated you how I used to know," she teased.

His admission was clear with a coy, toothless grin. He put his hands over hers and twisted himself in his chair. "You remember a lot."

"I do. But this time, I knew you'd have a headache. You always used to get one when you don’t get much sleep."

"How do you know I didn't get much sleep?" She smiled. The answer obvious, he turned back around. "Yeah." 

Abbey took a deep breath and leaned forward so her mouth was right above his head. "You know how sometimes you think something is so incredibly important that you let it overshadow everything else? You shut out people with valid concerns because you don't want to hear them?"

Jed knew where this was going and he welcomed the journey. "Yeah."

Her hands slowly left his skin as she slipped into the seat beside him. "The night Lizzie and I spent reminiscing was wonderful, Jed, one of the best nights of the past six weeks. It was a turning point for me. For the first time, it was like all my fears were gone...well, not really gone, just clouded by such an intense desire to know everything."

"I understand that, Abbey. I do."

"I was really abrupt with you and your concerns about the baby. Of course you have every right to disagree with me and I should have listened to what you had to say."

"Really?"

"Really. You're this baby's father. You have a say in this."

"It's not just the baby I'm worried about," he said as he reached out across the side of the table to grab her hand. "It's you too. When this whole thing started, it was so important to me for you to remember. It was so important to catch the bastard who did this to you. But when I saw you pass out the way you did last week, it scared me. It scared me like nothing else. I thought that my pushing you may have hurt you, made you worse. And I realized everything I didn't want to face before - there's a reason you blocked it all out, Abbey. And I'm afraid if we explore that reason, I'll lose you forever, that you'll never remember me or our life together, that everything you remember now, you'll lose."

"Jed, it doesn't work like that. I'm not going into this blind. I've done the research. So have you. This is a controlled environment in a hospital, with a medical doctor who's a trained psychotherapist. I've talked to Susan. I've told her I want to go slow. I've told her the baby's health is the most important thing. She's going to be cautious."

"I still don't think it's a great idea." He let go of her hand and stood up behind his chair. His weight rested on the back as he slanted himself forward. 

"Okay," she replied softly, certain that was the end of the discussion.

"That said..." he paused long enough for her to look up at him. "...I want to go with you."

An unexpected yet welcomed surprise. "Good because I want you there."

So far, so good. He pushed a little further. "I want to have a say in the session. I want to be able to stop it if it goes too far."

That was perfectly reasonable, she thought. "Okay."

"If I say stop, it'll only be because I think it might be hurting you or the baby and I want you to respect that."

"Okay." Her agreement was falling on deaf ears.

"I mean it. I don't want to fight with you about this."

Abbey leapt to her feet directly in front of him. "Jed, I said okay."

"Okay."

"Okay."

He turned from her slightly as if ready to walk away, then turned back. "One more thing. If something ever did go wrong, I would never say 'I told you so.'"

"I said that without thinking. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

With a nod, he took a few steps towards her. "Me too."

"For what?"

"I don't know. It just sounded polite," he joked. "I'm sorry I came across so strong."

"That's okay. It's adorable when you put your foot down. In fact, your cuteness factor is immeasurable when you get like that - all strong and demanding."

"You know that's not what I'm going for, right?"

"Yeah. About as much as you know that kind of attitude won't win me over."

"All right. Fair enough," he conceded with a grin. "I'm going to jump in the shower."

"Okay." 

His eyes never left her as she began stacking the plates on the table and brushing crumbs onto a napkin. She looked beautiful in her pink and violet shorts and white tank top that hugged every curve on her body. Her hair was brushed into a loose ponytail and her bangs teasingly flicked her long lashes. 

But it wasn't just her appearance he was attracted to. And it wasn't just a sexual attraction. It was deeper than that. His heart fluttered the moment she touched his forehead to relieve his headache. It ached when she told him she needed to go through with the therapy session. It swelled with love when she opened up to him and made him part of the decision. And now, as he stood there and watched her, it was her strength, her steely determination, her willingness to face the demons that she spent six weeks hiding from that reminded him how deeply in love he really was.

So much had changed and yet, so much could never change. She may have lost some confidence and trust, but she was the same Abbey he fell in love with more than twelve years earlier. She was the Abbey he loved even more today.

It had been so long since he felt this close to her, since he was able to hold her, not out of comfort, but just so he could hear her heart beat, so he could run his fingers over the tiny little goosebumps that swelled on her arms when she was cold, so he could feel her hot breath against his skin. 

It had been so long since he allowed himself to have lascivious thoughts about her, to lust after her just as he had before the attack.

Without thinking, he opened his mouth. "Do you want to..." 

He stopped. It wasn't time yet. Asking Abbey to join him in the shower seemed so right. And at the same time, it seemed so wrong. 

"What?"

"Nothing," he said softly as he shook his head. "Nothing."

He ducked behind the wall and headed towards the bedroom. Alone. It was a stressful enough day. Neither one needed yet another obstacle to tarnish what little peace of mind remained.

\- - -

His disapproval had vanished, or at least faded enough to allow him to show his support for this therapy session that was like no other. Abbey wasn't being forced to remember him today. She wouldn't discuss her frustration at having her life ripped apart by a senseless act. Today, she would only talk about the unspeakable horror that had been submerged so deep into her subconscious that it would never fully rise to the surface. 

And all he could do was sit beside her and hold her hand as she took a terrifying stroll into her psyche. And that's what he did.

Jed sat on the sofa right next to Abbey. One hand rested on his right thigh while the other fell onto her lap, their arms entangled. She inhaled sharply many times. An effort to calm her nerves, he figured as he squeezed her shoulder as a silent show of support. 

Susan sat across from them, a large notepad and black pen in her hand. "Are you ready?" 

Abbey looked to Jed before nodding. "Yeah."

"Okay. I'm going to take you back to the night of May 10th. You're going to have to help me here. What do you remember about that night?"

She began slowly, her left brow arching as her eyes grew with the memory. "I was at the hospital. I remember looking at the clock, waiting for my shift to end."

"What time did it end?"

"Seven o'clock." A bit hesitant at first, she repeated it. "Yeah, it was seven o'clock."

"And what did you do?"

"I changed into a pair of black pants and a purple shirt. And a belt. I had a belt on." The last part seemed particularly important though she didn't know why. "Then I picked up my keys and walked out of the building, into the parking lot."

"Towards your car?"

"Yeah."

"Then what?"

"I don't know," she answered quickly, her fingers wrapping tightly around Jed's.

"Yes, you do. Take a deep breath." Abbey did as Susan instructed. "Good. Take another. Nice and slow. That's it." 

"I can't remember."

"I'm going to help you, Abbey. It wasn't completely dark out yet, was it?"

"No. No, it wasn't."

"You walked to your car. Did you hear anything?"

Her eyes narrowed into tiny slits. Her jaw was clenched and noticeable tremors shook her body. It was hazy. The picture tilted inside her mind, as if she was watching a movie filmed with a shaky handheld camera. 

She was removed from the scenario. She was watching it happen, replaying even more horrifically than she imaged. She walked along the deserted parking lot. She turned when she heard footsteps, but saw nothing. Dismissing it, she continued her trek. Only now, in her present state, she could see him. He was behind her, gaining on her. And as she spun around to confront the noiseless stranger, he reached for her. 

His strong hands sunk into her flesh. His fingernails felt as if they were piercing her skin. He pulled her hair when she struggled. Her clip fell from the auburn tresses, breaking into pieces all over the pavement. She turned her back to him, staunchly reaching for the frame of her car, anything that could anchor her weight. He grabbed her fingers. The keys scratched the vehicle as she refused to surrender. He pushed one finger so far into the key chain, it penetrated the skin and caused her to scream in pain. But her scream was stifled as he turned her around and stuck claw-like palms painfully into her head, pressing her face deep into his shoulder as he forcefully picked her up.

The keys fell from her hand. She kicked and scratched as much as she could, but her feet were no longer touching the ground. She was completely helpless. 

And that was just the beginning. Abbey gasped loudly, unprepared for what she remembered next.

TBC


	21. Say You Love Me Too

Rated NC-17 for violence. If you're uncomfortable with a violent flashback, please skip this chapter and we'll catch you up on Chapter 22!

Abbey gasped loudly, unprepared for what she remembered next.

"Abbey?" Jed called.

The mental anguish was visible in the lines on her face. Her eyes were small, her brows creased, her jaw virtually clenched shut. She fell silent after her gasp, her mind still grappling with the memories that had drained the color from her skin. 

"Abbey?" Susan repeated.

Jed squeezed her hand, expecting some kind of response. "Honey, please talk to me."

She was stiff as a board. No expression. No reaction. She couldn't even blink. He ran his hand over her head in a soothing stroke to remind her of where she was. 

Abbey shook her head in an attempt to shrug off whatever was capturing her focus. "I'm okay."

"What happened?" Susan asked.

"I don't know. I just...I don't know."

"Where were you just now? Were you remembering that night? Were you remembering something else?"

"I really don't know. It was in bits and pieces." Her voice was small and broken. "I can't figure it out."

Jed moved himself a little closer to his wife. "Is this too much?"

Abbey turned to face him. His support and comfort was glowing in the warm blue eyes that twinkled with concern. "No, I’m feeling okay. I want to continue."

Against his better judgment, he reluctantly conceded. "Okay. As long as you're sure."

"I am."

Susan leaned forward towards her patient. "Abbey, can you tell me what you just remembered? Describe it to me."

"It wasn't a real memory. It was fear. It was this incredible feeling of fear."

"It's what you were feeling that night." With no verbal or physical response, she added, "You're safe here, Abbey. You're in control. You have to know that before we can continue."

Abbey looked around the room. From the time she began therapy, the neutral carpet and burgundy-stained walls of this office provided her a safe harbor. She could be open here. Fearless. She could talk about her darkest nightmares and her lightest memories, protected by the belief that this place was private and secure.

"I know."

Susan noticed Jed running his free hand furiously through his hair, the other still tightly gripping Abbey's. "Do you guys want a few minutes to readjust?"

"That would be great actually," Jed answered before Abbey could open her mouth. 

"I'll be right outside." Susan left as Jed stood to close the door behind her. 

He turned back around, nearly startling himself with the sight before him. Abbey was slumped over, crouching in her seat, dwarfed by the brown leather that surrounded her. 

"I'm fine." Her whisper was so soft, it was as if she was trying to convince only herself.

"Look at me."

She raised her head towards him. "I don't know what to say."

He kneeled down in front of her, careful not to place a finger over her lips as he used to do. That gesture only frightened her now. 

"You don't have to say anything. You don't have to explain anything. Ever."

"I thought I was ready, but it's still so hard." 

"You're doing great."

"Sure I am," she sputtered sarcastically.

"You are," he assured her as he tilted his head the same direction as hers. "Abbey, you are the bravest person I know. You're the strongest person I've ever met. I could never do what you're doing here. I'd be way too scared."

"I appreciate you're trying to make me feel better..."

"It isn't about making you feel better. It's the truth." She cocked her head to the opposite side and he followed. "I haven't told you this since the attack and I have no idea if you remember knowing it, but I when I was a kid, my father used to beat me."

She took his hand, sympathetically nodding with closed eyes. "I know."

"If someone asked me to walk them through some of those dark, painful nights, I'd go out of my mind. I wouldn't be able to do it."

"That’s not true. You told me those stories."

"Not everything. And the things I did tell you, it was years after it happened. Something like that, Abbey...it's just difficult to talk about. I can't imagine the torment you went through just SIX WEEKS ago. I can't imagine the turmoil you're still in. The fact that you're here, that you're doing this, it speaks volumes about your courage."

"Thank you for saying that." He may have been convinced, but she wasn't. That was obvious.

"I'm serious. You have strength inside of you I never could have imagined. You've already come so far in such a short amount of time. Nothing will change that. If you want to get up and leave right now, just say the word. It won't change anything."

"That isn't what I want." At least her determination hadn't waned. 

Jed stood up and slid next to her on the sofa. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Yes."

"No nausea, no lightheadedness, no pain?"

"No. None at all."

He touched her forehead with the back of his hand and patted her belly lightly. "Then I'll leave it up to you."

"I want to stay. I have to stay. I have to do this."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. This is in your hands. You can stop it whenever you want." After a deep breath, he repeated himself. "Whenever YOU want to, Abbey."

She flashed him a warm smile. "I know."

"I'm right here, okay? No matter what, I'm staying right here. You're safe."

"I know that too," she squeaked as she rested her head against his shoulder and wiped a few newly shed tears from her eyes.

"Should I get Susan?"

Abbey sat back against the cushions, her legs slightly teetering with anxiety. She'd have to start all over again. She knew that. She was prepared for it. This time, she needed to get as far as she could to make sense of the jumbled images that seemed warped and distorted. 

Her mind trailed back to that crisp night in May. A light wind breezed through the air. bringing with it just a bit of a seasonal chill. The sun had set and the gorgeous red and purple hues melted into one of a deep navy blue. She took notice of the moonlight that bounced off the cars as she approached her own.

Behind her, a soft sound clicked at her heels. Her defenses were alert and ready as she instinctively spun around. But she saw nothing. She continued walking. She turned once again when she sensed she wasn't alone. 

This time, she was right.

With little physical space between them, the strong, masculine stranger's glove-covered hands pulled her hair, curled her fingers around her keys, then held her helpless in his arms as he ran. The adrenaline coursed through her veins. Those few seconds seemed like an endless battle for her life. For her sanity. A battle she eventually lost. 

She struggled to find her breath as he pressed her head deeper into his body to stifle the screams. The feeling of suffocation was overwhelming, even in her memories. Her body's fight-or-flight mechanism had been thrown out of whack and she drowned in the paralyzing response to the sudden abduction and violence. 

Pictures exploded in her head and she couldn't stop the onslaught of emotions that accompanied the faces of her loved ones - Jed, Elizabeth, and Ellie taking center stage from the start. 

She stopped the memory abruptly with yet another gasp. 

"Abbey?" Susan reached her hand out to hers.

"I'm sorry," Abbey replied with a shrug.

"You were doing great. Can you continue?"

"I don't think she can," Jed interjected.

"Yes, I can," Abbey insisted.

He let out a frustrated breath. "Remember what we talked about? You said I would have a say in this."

"You do." She gently glided her nail over his thumb as he lovingly stroked her hair.

"Are you sure you're all right?" He cupped her chin to force her head up. "Are you absolutely positive?"

Her eyes still grounded, she nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay," Jed replied with hesitation.

Susan led her back to that night. "What happened next?"

Abbey allowed a long pause to muster the mental strength to continue. "He was running so fast and my mouth kept hitting his shoulder. It felt like my teeth were cutting through my lips."

"Where did he take you?"

"I don't know," she answered quickly, desperate to shut down the memory before it could take root in her present mind.

"Think about it, Abbey. You can do this."

He dropped her flat on her back onto a clear patch of grass blocks away from the hospital. The blow knocked the wind right out of her. She struggled against the domineering hold on her wrist, the latex gloves irritating her skin.

"He was wearing those gloves."

"What kind of gloves?"

"Latex gloves. Just like the ones we have at the hospital."

She twisted herself in hopes of getting out from underneath him, but her futile attempts were met with the back of his hand. He smacked her cheek so hard, her head snapped to the other side. Then, another slap bounced off her lip. The taste of blood repulsed her and involuntary tears stung her eyes.

He took his thumb to her wet lashes, abrasively scraping the delicate skin. She pushed herself hard into the ground, hopelessly trying to escape the confrontation with the shiny silver blade that came dangerously close to her neck and skirted contact by a mere inch. She watched attentively, horrified when he dropped it to her breasts and sliced her shirt and bra in one quick motion. 

"Abbey?" Susan noticed her shorter breaths. "Stay with me. Take a second to calm yourself down."

"He said something."

"What did he say?"

"'She left.' He said 'she left.'"

"Who was he talking about? Who left?"

"That's what I asked him."

"And what did he say?"

He didn't say anything. He only strengthened his grip on her body, holding her so tight her fingers began to tingle. With her free hand, she reached towards him as he stared down at her, his lips mumbling something she couldn't hear. She tried to grab the handle of the knife, but missed when he jerked it violently from her grasp, cutting the flesh on her hand with the blade. He ran the weapon over the blood, teasing her with the threat of another slice. 

He let go of her other wrist. His temper becoming more pronounced, his movements were erratic. She presented her arms to shield her body. He slashed her other hand with one stroke, but she didn't relinquish the fight. Hormones invaded her bloodstream. The adrenaline was unyielding. Her knees locked and strongly struck him from behind. Her injured palms were winding around his wrist as he leaned forward to hit her. He twirled the knife between their bodies and suddenly, his chest dropped onto the blade and a flow of blood covered them both.

Her gaze followed his down to the stream that dripped from his body onto the grass. He cut himself. He gasped in pain, his eyes widening with the realization. She pulled her arms around and pushed his frozen frame off to the side, then crawled to her knees, her cuts burning as she leaned forward to help herself up. He grabbed her ankle and turned her back around. 

"Oh God." Jed spoke softly as he gave his wife’s fingers a tight squeeze of support.

"What happened next, Abbey?"

Next was the most terrifying part, the part where she surrendered.

She had been fighting for her life, but now, the fight was gone. The pain was overwhelming and her energy had been zapped. She moaned in agony as he sat on top of her, once again teasing her with the knife. His own breath ragged and his body starting to go into shock, he whispered something more she couldn't understand. 

"Please don't this," she had pleaded, her only hope of saving her life.

"Shut up!" he screamed, visibly losing strength as he did.

"I have two little girls who need me," she cried.

Abbey abruptly buckled in her seat, bringing herself back to the present with a powerful jolt. At first, Jed was caught off-guard, but recovered almost immediately to close the gap of distance between them.

"ABBEY!" he shouted. His arms stretched to gather her in an embrace.

"I want to stop. I want to stop now."

"Okay, we can stop."

"Abbey, what happened?" Susan asked. "What did he do?"

"I can't..."

"You don't have to remember it again. Just tell me what it was you remembered. Can you do that?"

"She said she wants to stop!" Jed exploded. 

"She can stop. That's fine. But unless we want to lose everything we accomplished here today, she needs to tell us what it was that scared her so badly just now." Susan softened her voice and adopted a more gentle approach. "Abbey, can you tell me about the last thing you remember?"

"You don't have to, Honey," Jed added. "If it's too upsetting, you don't have to."

Abbey rested her head against his chest, a tearless tremble emphasizing her vulnerability. "It wasn't me. It wasn't just me he wanted."

"What do you mean?"

"When he was on top of me, when I was trying to talk to him, I saw..."

Susan leaned forward, straining to hear Abbey's quiet voice. "What?"

"I don't know how this happened. I remember that it wasn't me he was hurting. It wasn't me he was after."

Jed pulled himself back slightly to look down at her face. "Who was it?"

"Lizzie." 

 

TBC


	22. Say You Love Me Too

Shocked into silence, Jed lifted Abbey's head off his chest and stared into her eyes. Her emerald orbs were always expressive, and right now, they were clearly showing her panic-stricken emotions.

"What do you mean Lizzie? He was after Lizzie?"

"In my mind, he was. He was after both of them. Lizzie and Ellie."

Susan moved closer to the pair, making herself comfortable in the plush chair to the right of the sofa. "What happened, Abbey?" 

Abbey's head snapped around, nervous and hesitant. She looked back at Jed, then turned towards Susan. "I told him I had two young children." The words were soft and slow as they escaped her lips. "He said..."

"What?" Susan questioned gently.

Abbey focused on the center of the room. Her eyes closed after a horrified flinch. "He just threatened them."

"How?"

Jed silently encouraged her by rubbing soothing circles across her back. She shot him an appreciative glance before speaking. 

"He joked that he'll have to teach them what happens to troublemakers if they're anything like their mother. And then he laughed."

Jed stiffened with every word. His concern had faded into blind fury and his temper was rising steadily. "Who was he? Do you know who he was? What he looked like?"

Abbey shook her head. "There was a light of some sort and it kept shining on his face. I can't really make it out."

"What kind of light?" Susan sat upright, inquisitive and curious.

"I don't know. A flashlight maybe." Abbey was dismissive, eager to stop the session.

"Is it that a light blinded you from seeing his face or is that just part of your imagination?"

Offended by Susan's implication, Jed intervened. "She said she couldn't see. There was a light."

"Abbey, sometimes when our brain tries to protect us from things we're not ready to remember, we imagine all sorts of obstacles in the way," Susan explained, "...all sorts of obstructions that keep us from seeing what we need to see."

Abbey shifted uncomfortably. It was obvious she was unwilling to entertain the possibility. "I went through med school too, Susan. I remember my psychiatric rotation. I'm telling you, I don't know what he looked like."

"Okay," Susan conceded in response to her cold expression. "When he said what he did about the girls, what happened?"

"That's what I keep seeing." She addressed Jed with the sudden realization. "The night that Lizzie answered the door without asking who it was, the day Ellie nearly burned herself, I got a flash of something. Someone was trying to hurt them and I could picture them alone and afraid and I couldn't get to them."

He wrapped his arm tighter around her shoulder, encouraging her to tuck her head under his chin. "It's okay."

"Is that what you saw that night? Is that what you remember? When he held you down on the grass, you saw your little girls in danger and you couldn't help them," she told her in a direct statement. "Why couldn't you help them?"

"He was going to kill me. I assumed I'd be dead. And he'd go after them. I saw it a 100 times in my head that night when he was on top of me. I saw it in a 100 different ways. He’d grab Lizzie at the bus stop. He’s snatch Ellie from the playground. He’d sneak up behind them, just like he did me and he’d hurt them and then he’d laugh when they were in pain. And I couldn’t do anything. I couldn't warn them. I couldn't protect them."

Susan nodded. "Do you think that could be the moment your brain shut down? Maybe the trauma of believing you were taking your last breath as this maniac was threatening your young daughters forced you to retreat inside yourself to a time before you even had children or a husband, a family who depended on you?"

"Why? Why would I want to forget them?"

"It would have been enough to send you into self-preservation mode. Your emotions were being ripped and twisted and the majority of the mental pain was centered on your daughters. You needed to ward off a potential breakdown so you could continue fighting for your life."

“My life isn’t more important than they are.”

“But your life is what would have saved them. If you were dead, you couldn’t warn them, just like you said. So, the most important thing to you, at that moment, was living through this attack so that you could get to your daughters afterwards and in order to that, you had block out those disturbing images in your mind. The only way to do that might have been to block out your children entirely.”

"I don't know," Abbey mumbled.

"I don't either, but it's obvious your trauma wasn't exclusive to physical pain. The thought of Lizzie and Ellie being hurt the same way you were had to be devastating."

That was an understatement. The psychological torture far outweighed the attack itself and for Abbey, the combination of the helplessness she felt to physically remove herself from immediate danger and the threat to her children had struck her with a split-second rush of adrenaline that caused her mind to escape the torment. Her memories were forced into seclusion, packed away in her subconscious as she gathered the strength that would help her flee the situation.

Jed's face was red, colored by the stress the session had inflicted on him. "Now what?" 

"I think Abbey was right. I think we need to stop for today and meet again next week. But you should talk to the police. They need to know the details you shared with me today."

"I know." Abbey nodded subtly. 

Her head lowered once again, overcome by pure exhaustion. Jed cupped her chin one last time. "There's something that wasn't clear to me," he started as he inhaled deeply. "Did you stab him?"

"No," Abbey answered immediately. "He wasn't stabbed. He cut himself. His chest scraped the blade. He did it to himself. My hands weren't even on the knife."

He said a small prayer as he gathered her back in his arms. The man who toppled their lives didn't have superficial wounds as police originally believed. He had been severely injured and his injury would have required medical care, perhaps supplying a trail to his identity.

But there would be time later to dissect that piece of information. Abbey wasn't ready yet. First, she had to recover from the draining session that stretched her mental fortitude to its limit and left her visibly frazzled. The memories she had spent six weeks avoiding may have been brought to the surface voluntarily, but the consequences scarred her heart. 

A stolen glance in the bedroom mirror that evening proved just how much. Abbey’s face was mapped with the anxiety and stress that consumed her. Small bags under her eyes were smudged with a shade of dark brown, the ends of her lips didn't absently turn up as they always had in the past. Frown lines were more noticeable, her few wrinkles more prominent. 

She was wearing a lavender summer dress that flowed when she walked and clung to her when she stopped. Her head was turned to the mirror as she touched her stomach with a flat palm then moved her hand further down, pulling on the fabric to create a tight silhouette. 

Not even a tiny bulge. No detectable sign of pregnancy. 

There was a baby inside of her, one that was the result of a beautiful interlude the night before she was victimized. Though it wasn’t even a real baby on that fateful night, it was still a part of her. And that part of her was a silent witness to a brutal assault. 

Jed watched his wife from the doorway as she took a finger to the tear that fell down her cheek. He approached cautiously, well aware that he was intruding on a private moment. 

"Hi."

Startled, she hastily whirled around. "Hi."

He picked up the pace and stopped two steps in front of her, his stare focused on her belly. She reached for his hand and placed it under hers. He kept his fingers on her stomach as he walked around and slid his arms to the front. Both his palms lightly pressing against her flesh from behind with her own palms covering them, she was moved by the loving reflection.

Soft, almost soundless sobs disappeared entirely as Jed's head dipped into her shoulder. She turned in his arms and held the sides of his head, her thumbs freely dabbing at the few tears on his face.

"Hey."

He tried to finagle out of her hold but she was unrelenting. "I don't know what that was about."

"You're crying."

"I'm not."

"You were," she countered, loosening her grip only slightly.

"I just love you."

With a smile, she relaxed into his embrace. "But why were you crying? Those weren't tears of love. What were they?"

"Gratitude. Happiness. Relief that you're here, safe and sound." His transparent declaration didn't convince her.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he finally whispered, causing her to pull away.

"What are you sorry for?"

"For everything you've gone through."

"WE'VE gone through," she corrected. "None of this has been easy on you."

"No, it hasn't," he agreed as he walked to her side, his back facing her.

She shrugged and followed. "I need to ask you something."

"Sure."

"Do you blame me for what happened?"

The second he spun around, the denial was obvious. He didn't actually have to say it. "No, Abbey. Never."

"Then why have you been blaming yourself?"

Trapped into admission, he collapsed onto the bed. "I hate when you do that."

"That's why I do it," she teased.

"What makes you think I'm blaming myself?" As if he had to ask.

"You're an open book."

"I'm a puzzle."

"A puzzle I've already solved," she replied, taking her seat next to him. "And I remember exactly where all the pieces go. Answer my question."

"I should have been there...with you...that night. I should have done something." 

"It wasn't your fault. You can't be with me twenty-four hours a day."

"I should be," he argued. "I'm the man, Abbey. I'm supposed to protect you at all costs. It's my responsibility to make sure no one harms a head on your hair. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Jed, you can't do this to yourself. I would never blame you for what happened, Honey. It just wasn’t your fault." 

“That’s easy to say.”

Abbey stood and walked over to the small bookshelf beside the dresser. "Starting next week, your attention will be devoted to the summer courses you're teaching and I'll be committed to my studies."

"Your studies?" He squinted in response to the thick medical book she held in her hand. 

"I have to re-qualify for residency."

"You're doing that now?"

"Yeah. I want to be back at the hospital by the time the girls start school in the fall." She dropped the book onto the dresser and approached her husband. "My point is you can't be my knight in shining armor, Jed. Something awful happened and it'll take time to get past it, but this wasn't your fault any more than it was mine."

"I’m not convinced, Abbey."

"So it's really your job to keep me safe? That's what you believe? That's what this is all about?"

Well, sure. Was this a trick question? "Yes."

"Okay, then where were you?” she asked him bitterly. “Why WEREN'T you there?"

Initially shocked by her anger, he stood. “What?”

"You said it's your job to protect me, so why didn't you drop everything and follow me around to make sure no one stepped out of line?"

He wagged his finger in her direction. "See, I hate it when you do this even more than I hate it when you do the other thing."

"I'm just being as ridiculous as you are." Abbey smiled.

"It's not ridiculous. I would give my life for yours." He was barely coherent as he sank back down on the bed.

"That part wasn't included in our wedding vows."

"How do you know? You have amnesia." At least the lighthearted ribbing drew a chuckle as Abbey accepted his hand and allowed him to pull her onto his lap. 

"It's not your fault." It bore repeating, though doubtful it would ever sink in. "I never blamed you. Not even for a second."

"Well that's not true. At first, you wondered if it WAS me."

Her fingers playfully twirled the hair on top of his head. "I meant after that.”

"I just want you to feel safe." Another stray tear emerged in his right eye.

"I want that too. But I don't think that's something you can give me."

He jerked his head to the side, surprised by the revelation. "Is this that reverse psychology crap again?"

She laughed. "No, this is for real, Pumpkin." He hadn't heard that nickname since before the attack. "I need to feel like I can protect myself and so do the girls. I signed them both up for a course at the community center."

"What kind of course?"

"It's designed for children. They'll be in age-appropriate classes and they'll learn how to defend themselves."

"You want them to learn to fight?"

"I want to know they can get out of a bad situation." She grew nervous when he didn't respond. "You do support that, don't you?"

"Of course. I want that for them too. I'll do whatever it takes to keep them safe."

"Good because they'll probably want to use you."

"What do you mean 'use' me?"

"Well, they'll need to practice the maneuvers on someone." Pregnancy was a wonderful excuse.

"You're encouraging them to beat up on me," he affirmed with smile. "I can see it now. You're going to stand there and cheer them on as they kick my ass."

"Just wait until this next kid is born."

"What, you'll roll out the rope and duct tape so she can make her move? I'll be the only man in New Hampshire beaten up by a toddler."

"Don't tempt me, Love." Leaning forward, she dropped a kiss onto his forehead. "I meant after I give birth, I'm going to sign up for a self defense course myself. And when I do that..."

"Abbey?"

She caught the Freudian slip though he apparently hadn't. "Jed?"

"Yeah?"

"You just said ‘she.'"

"What?"

"The baby. You just said ‘so she can make her move.’"

Maybe he didn't catch it because he was well aware he had done it. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"

"No. I was just surprised."

"Well you've given me two daughters. Why not expect a third?"

"How would you feel about a son?"

"I'd love a son. But I never thought I could love a daughter as much as I do Ellie and Elizabeth. I'll be thrilled no matter what we have." The inviting tug on his arm didn't go unnoticed. He held her tighter, his lips reaching up to steal another kiss. "Why? Do you think it's a boy?"

"I think it might be."

"Here we go. Women's intuition, right?"

"Hey, don't make fun. It's a real thing."

He allowed for a placating laugh as she tweaked his nose. "How is it you're so strong and together?"

"What makes you think I am?"

"You're joking with me. After what happened today, I just assumed you'd be devastated."

"I guess I'm glad we have some answers." 

He nodded. “Yeah.”

"That doesn't mean I'm not falling apart on the inside." 

He affectionately stroked her hair. “That makes two of us.”

"You know, the girls are going to be home soon and you promised Ellie a game of Candyland."

"Oh yeah."

"We should go set it up."

"Promise me we'll talk about everything later? I don't want you keeping this all to yourself."

"You know what?" she asked softly.

"What?"

"I was wrong. You are my knight in shining armor."

It was easy to be a loving couple when everything was perfect and happy, when the biggest problem between them was a dispute over what to have for dinner, when conflicts erupted because her work schedule interfered with family time or his commute back from the State House was delayed because of bad weather. 

But as Abbey succumbed to the love held in those baby blue eyes, she realized the true testament to their devotion was Jed's patience and understanding in the face of the extraordinary circumstances of the past six weeks. He never lost faith in her and he never allowed her to lose faith in herself. The trust between them was stronger, the passion was deeper, and their powerful bond could never be broken. 

The tip of his finger had circled around a few locks of her auburn hair as he quietly stared at her. She fought for her life on that evening in May. She fought for her physical recovery in the weeks that followed. But it was what she was fighting for now that melted his heart with a warmth he had never felt before. Now, she was fighting for him, for their life together.

He had already told her that her strength was immeasurable. He already said how much he loved her. What he had yet to share was that he cherished her more today than he ever had before.

TBC


	23. Say You Love Me Too

Jed stirred around his bed, still half-asleep and unwilling to surrender to the beam of sunshine that protruded the gauzy rose-colored curtains when the soft breeze caused them to tremble slightly. It had been so long since he woke up with a clear head, free of mental agony. 

The trauma of the past several weeks hadn't completely vanished, but now that Abbey's memories weren't clouded by fear, he was hopeful the family could heal together, that there would be an end to the nightmare, that neither he nor Abbey would ever spend another sleepless night consumed by the anguish that seemed rule their lives.

It was a happy thought, one that formed the smile on his face as he turned to the other side, his hand collapsing on the empty pillow beside him.

He listened carefully to the soft-spoken chatter outside the bedroom. The pitter-patter of tiny feet approached the bedroom door, then faded quickly, as if running away.

"Can't I wake him? Pleeeeeease?" 

He laughed as he heard Ellie's plea echoing all the way from the kitchen. His little girl had inherited her father's knack for begging with a certain oomph her mother usually couldn't resist. 

"She said no, Ellie." Obviously, Lizzie had no trouble resisting. "Don't bug her about it."

The four-year-old ignored her sister's stern warning and turned her attention to Mom. "Mommy? Pleeeeeease?"

"You can wake him in a minute. We're not ready yet."

"But I've been waiting forever!" she pouted.

"Quit whining, Goldilocks, and pick up the juice." Abbey instructed her with a grin, watching as she cupped both hands tightly around the glass and cautiously lifted it off the counter. 

"I'll get the tray," Lizzie excitedly volunteered. 

Abbey stepped back, making room for her daughters to lead the way as the trio walked quietly towards the master bedroom. Ellie glided across the carpet on the tips of her toes, lost in the belief that any hint of noise would ruin the surprise.

With a quick yank on the doorknob, Abbey opened the door and jumped to the side, leaving Jed with only a view of his daughters.

"Happy Father's Day!" they yelled, Ellie staggering a syllable behind her sister. 

"Oh my God, would you look at that!" Jed awoke from a feigned slumber, an exaggerated look of shock on his face. 

“Happy Father’s Day, Daddy.”

"It’s not Father’s Day today.”

"Yes, but there was a lot going on when it was Father’s Day, so we're celebrating it now," Abbey replied. 

"Did we surprise you?" Ellie asked.

"You sure did!" 

Since the year Lizzie was born, there was nothing sweeter than the treatment he received on this holiday. Abbey made sure of it. He would be showered with gifts, kisses, and kindhearted sentiment. Every year, he'd be given a special letter from each of his daughters. It was a tradition Lizzie started when she was old enough to write.

"Here you go, Daddy!" she said, handing him a sealed envelope. "Ellie has one too."

Ellie stared down at the floor. She was always a lot more shy than Lizzie, but her sudden hesitance was out of the ordinary. 

Sensing her daughter's distress, Abbey kneeled down beside her. "Don't you want to give Daddy your letter?" She shook her head and whispered into her mother's ear, her hand blocking view of her lips. "Oh, Sweetheart, it's okay."

"What is it?" Jed asked.

"Is it all right if I tell him?" Ellie nodded as she hung tight to Abbey's leg. "She didn't put hers in a pretty envelope the way Lizzie did."

"Ellie, the envelope is just the packaging. What matters is what's in the letter," Jed assured her.

"I want it to be like Lizzie's."

Lizzie took her own letter and carefully broke the seal as Ellie pulled a folded piece of paper out of her pocket. Big sister stuffed both letters into the envelope and handed it to Jed with Ellie's approval.

Abbey smiled. "Better?" 

"Yeah." Ellie left her mother's side and jumped into her father's waiting arms. "I poured the juice all by myself!" 

"You did?"

"And Lizzie helped Mommy with the eggs."

The tray sat at the foot of the bed, opposite Jed's side. Lizzie moved towards him and leaned forward for a hug, falling on top of him when he tugged at her arm. 

"Daddy!" she giggled.

"Careful. Don't spill the breakfast," Abbey warned. 

Jed, Lizzie, and Ellie read both letters together, a chorus of laughter erupting between them as Abbey watched with a misty-eyed stare. 

"We have more, Daddy." Ellie leapt to her feet and sat on the edge to climb off the mattress. 

Lizzie followed her out of the bedroom and returned seconds later with a neatly wrapped gift they presented to Jed. He didn't need to open it to know what it was. The customary Father's Day photo mug. Every June, Lizzie and Ellie sat for a picture to be imprinted on a creatively designed coffee mug, specifically picked out for Dad. 

The Bartlet cupboards were lined with these mugs, dating back to the one shadowed with a photograph of three-month-old Lizzie. It was a family album of sorts, a record of his daughters throughout the years. 

"This is just gorgeous." Jed twisted the ceramic cylinder, reminding himself that next year, there would be a new face added to the picture. 

"They picked out their dresses themselves," Abbey told him.

"And they did a good job," he replied, reaching forward to kiss Ellie then Lizzie. 

"Mine's prettier." Lizzie always knew how to incite a reaction from her sister.

"Nuh uh! Daddy, which one's prettier?"

"I think you both look breathtakingly beautiful."

"We got you more gifts," Lizzie teased. "But Mom says we can't give those to you yet." 

"Why not? It's Father's Day." He looked to Abbey for an answer.

"After your shower." 

"I promise you the presents won't care whether or not I've shampooed my hair."

"I will." She snickered at him with a wink and one brow mischievously raised as she reached for a piece of his toast. 

He whimsically smacked the back of her hand. "I thought this was my breakfast."

"Made with love by your wife," she replied, holding the sides of her hair back as she planted a soft kiss on his cheek.

"And me," Lizzie interjected.

"Me too!" Ellie added.

The foursome sprawled out across the sheets. Ellie and Lizzie squabbled over bacon and sausage links while Jed and Abbey shared a plate of scrambled eggs. 

"You're both going to eat a real breakfast, you know," Abbey reminded her daughters.

Now it really felt like old times. Father's Days of the past had always been highlighted by at least a couple of shallow conflicts, usually revolving around whose present Jed would open first or which one he liked best, a lecture by Abbey on what actually constitutes a decent breakfast, and a late-night adult frolic in the bedroom after the kids had gone to bed.

"So what's the plan for today?" Jed asked as he pushed the white and black patterned tray off to the side.

"We'll get to that later." Abbey wasn't about to give it away.

He curiously moved towards her, his eyes sparkling with questions. "Just tell me what we're doing."

"Nope. Surprises are meant to remain surprises until I decide it's time to share."

"Don't think I'll forget this when Christmas comes rolling around."

"Oh, I'm sure you won't, Cupcake." She wasn't worried. All she had to do was snip the tape around the wrapping paper to get a sneak peek at her gifts. The only time that didn't work was the year he replaced the actual present with hardware and he wouldn't dare do that again.

After Jed joyfully sauntered towards the shower and the girls skipped off to their bedrooms to change, Abbey began the tedious task of cleaning up the crumbs that settled into the tiny creases of the wrinkled linens. She was so caught up in folding the sides of the bedding towards the center of the mattress that she didn't even hear Jed approach from behind. 

He curved his frame over hers and whispered in her ear. "Thank you." 

Startled, Abbey spun around quickly. “What?”

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay. Are you almost ready?"

"Almost."

He was dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt. His damp hair still tousled, a droplet of water teetered on the bottom of his right eyebrow. 

Abbey brushed back a few bangs with her fingers as he reached for a comb. "Girls!" she shouted with her head tilted to the side. "We're ready!"

Jed was more suspicious than ever when Lizzie and Ellie ran into the room and pushed him onto the bed. Abbey crawled on her knees, sneaking up behind him with a blindfold in her hand.

"What's going on?"

She pulled on the fabric to straighten it out and tied the ends behind his head. "We're taking you away."

"To where?"

"It's a surprise, Daddy!" Ellie squealed in excitement.

"You have to wait until we get there," Lizzie added.

"Just play along," Abbey said quietly, only loud enough for him to hear.

Surprises were fun, but this one was going just a bit too far, he thought. Still, without argument, he sat in the backseat of the car. Ellie sat beside him, her eyes keenly trained on the blindfold. His sight might have been impaired, but it didn't matter. It took only a few minutes to guess which direction Abbey was driving. A few more to figure out where they were going. And if the winding country roads off Interstate 93 didn't give it away, the sweet smell of clover would. 

Minutes before they arrived, he took in the overwhelming scent that reminded him of only one place. They were at the farm. 

The intermittent sound of birds chirping in the distance was interrupted by the noise coming from the pastures. Abbey removed Jed's blindfold as Ellie and Lizzie ran towards the open field, stopping just short of a barbed wire fence that separated them from the cows.

"Is this for me or for them?" Jed asked, taking Abbey's hand as they headed towards their daughters.

"For all three of you. I know how much you love it here. I know how much they love it here."

"You do too," he said. "Do you remember?" It finally dawned on him why they were there. "Oh."

She didn't bother to tell him it was the last little bit of memory she needed to complete the puzzle. "I thought it would be a nice surprise."

"It is," he agreed with a warm smile.

"Mommy! Look!" Ellie jumped jubilantly, staring at the nursing calves.

"I see it, Sweetie."

"Can I touch them?"

"I'm afraid not."

"How come?"

"Because moms are very protective of their young," Lizzie informed her, exchanging a glance with her own mother. "Hey, El, that one's on the move."

Ellie followed the wandering calf. So entranced in her surroundings, she didn't even notice the blooming raspberries that blocked her path. She reached for the vine of one of the pretty white flowers, a loud yelp escaping her small body as she was stung by a thorn.

"Yeah, you're not supposed to touch those, Princess." Jed examined her finger with a gentle touch, pressing his lips to the barely noticeable indentation.

"Is she bleeding?" Abbey asked.

"Nah."

Ellie looked to her big sister for an explanation. "What are they?"

"They're raspberries. You can pick them later this summer."

"So we can come back again?" It wasn't just a question. It was a plea.

"As many times as you want," Abbey answered.

The girls loved the farm. She remembered that. But she had forgotten about the serene atmosphere that enveloped her with a sense of security. Her attention moved from the animals grazing in the pasture to the beautiful daises that dotted the fields and the purple irises that were blooming all around. 

In addition to the clover, the smell of recently mowed hay filled the air, leading the girls towards the horse barn. 

This was Lizzie's favorite part of a visit to the farm. "Can I ride Shasta?" 

"Me too!" Initially, Ellie had been afraid of horses.

"You wanna ride?"

Ellie looked down for a minute, thinking about her answer. She eventually nodded. "With Mommy."

"I'm gonna sit this one out, Sweetie." The girls still didn't know that Abbey was pregnant.

"I'll ride with you, Ellie. What do you say?"

She turned her beaming face to her father. "Okay!"

After a quick ride, the young Bartlet duo was lured into the house with the promise of homemade ice cream. Jed held the canister and allowed Lizzie and Ellie to pour in the ingredients. The outer bucket was firmly in place when he tried to attach the mixer, accidentally dropping it in instead. A mixture of sugar, vanilla, coffee syrup, and milk splashed the trio and a round of giggles alerted Abbey.

"Shh." Jed tried in vain to silence the girls.

"I told you to wait for me," Abbey scolded her husband. "See what happens when I leave Daddy in charge?" 

As she jokingly lectured her daughters, Jed marked her neck with a smidgen of sugar. She turned angrily, her temper fading when she saw his mischievous smirk and coffee colored face. 

"It wasn't my fault. You've got a faulty mixer there."

"Okay, first of all, none of this is mine. Secondly, there's nothing wrong with the mixer, except for the fact that it was designed for someone who knows how to use it."

He responded with a smug nod. "You're so smart, you make the ice cream."

She was being challenged. "I will." She reached for the abandoned canister. "But first, I need to get rid of all this since you ruined it."

"It isn't ruined," Jed insisted.

"Did you wash the base of the mixer before you tried to attach it?" He avoided the question and looked away. "Okay, then."

Another failed attempt later, the foursome retired to the screened piazza behind the house. The bowl of homemade coffee ice cream the girls were promised had become a pint of Ben & Jerry's from the convenience store twenty minutes away. 

It mattered very little in the grand scheme of things. The hot Sunday afternoon sun had dissolved into a warm evening and as dusk approached, the bright porch lights shined an iridescent gloss over the water in the pool. Lizzie and Ellie sprinted up the stairs to change into their bathing suits while Jed and Abbey finished the last of the ice cream.

"Today really has been wonderful," he said with a genuine look of appreciation.

"For all of us," she replied. "Jed?"

"Yeah?"

"I was thinking. What if we move to the farm? I mean, could we?"

He dropped his spoon to ponder the thought. "We talked about this a couple of years ago. We decided that because of your residency, you'd need to be close to the hospital."

"My residency is almost over. I'm going into my fourth year."

"You want to move now or in a couple of years?"

"We can think about it now. We can get the house ready, put it on the market next summer. When I have this baby, we'll need a bigger place anyway, so it makes sense."

He pushed out his chair and chose a seat closer to her. "What's this really about? Why do you want to move to the farm all of a sudden?" 

Abbey avoided his glare, choosing to focus straight ahead. "I just thought that it would be the perfect time to..."

With a single finger under her chin, he turned her head. "Seriously, Abbey, why now?"

"It's beautiful here. It's quiet, it's secluded..."

"It's safe."

"Yeah."

"Abbey, if you want to move to the farm, we'll do it. But I don't want you...I don't want us running away."

"I'm not talking about packing up and moving tomorrow, Jed. I'm talking about slowly making the transition. That's all."

"Okay. Whatever you want." He leaned in closer to sweep aside a strand of hair that tickled her eye lashes. 

“Are you comfortable with the idea?”

“I always have been,” he said. "I bet I can beat you to the pool."

"I swear, you're such a child sometimes," she shook her head and laughed.

"I could run upstairs and change in record time. Be down here and under the water before you know it."

"What makes you think I even want to go swimming?"

"You packed your bathing suit."

"Only as a precaution."

A precaution? "In case a random act of swimming was forced upon you?"

"Jed."

"Okay." He stood up in that nonchalant manner that drove her nuts with anticipation. "Suit yourself."

She watched for only a second as he disappeared into the house, Lizzie and Ellie's laughter escaping the barrier of the door when he opened it. That was a sound she couldn't resist. 

But unlike the others, Abbey didn't need to go inside to prepare herself for an evening swim. She lifted her shirt and slipped out of her shorts, revealing the turquoise bikini underneath. She jumped in the water and floated on her back, the long stroke of her arm heaving her breasts upward. 

It was enough to wipe the cynical expression right off Jed's face as he walked out of the house. He flicked the water towards her head to get her attention. 

"I thought you weren't going swimming."

"I didn't say I wasn't going swimming. I asked you what makes you think I want to go swimming."

Not to be outdone by semantics, he positioned one hand under her hip and another under her head. With a quick push, he rolled her over. 

Shocked by going under, she struggled to find her balance. "You're really in trouble now!" she vowed as she unplugged her nose and headed for the steps.

Uh oh. She looked pretty serious. "Hey! Don't go! I was just teasing!" He leaned on the side and jumped out when she ignored his plea. "Abbey!" he called out to her as he turned her around. "Abbey, wait!"

With a soft maniacal chuckle, she pushed on his chest, throwing him back in the water. "Don't do it again!"

It took mere seconds for him to rise from the water, but it was enough to color his cheeks with a frustrated blush. "That isn't funny! I could have gotten hurt. I couldn't have hit my head!" His eyes turned to his older daughter for support. "Right, Lizzie?"

"No, it was pretty funny!" Lizzie answered, offering her mother a high-five just as Jed pulled Abbey back into the pool and playfully dunked her head.

A day that began with no serious worries, ended in the same way. It had been so long since the girls had seen their parents laughing together, teasing each other, and playing around the way they had come to expect. The tension was gone. The lighthearted banter was back. 

And at least for the time being, it was here to stay.

\- - -

Dressed in a terrycloth bathrobe, Abbey approached the bedroom later that night. 

"Are the girls asleep?" she asked.

"I just tucked them in," Jed responded, caught slightly off-guard by the wonderful scent of her wet hair.

"Good."

"Why good?"

"Because it's still Father's Day and I haven't given you my gift yet."

 

TBC


	24. Say You Love Me Too

  
Author's notes: NC-17 for sex  


* * *

Jed loved her long red bathrobe almost as much as Abbey loved wearing it. Terrycloth wrapped in a satiny velour exterior was as sexy to him as it was comforting to her. He watched through the open doorway as she walked slowly towards him, her focus devoted to the moisturizer she was massaging into her hands. 

"Are the girls asleep?" she asked, her head still down.

"I just tucked them in," Jed responded, caught slightly off-guard by the lilac scent radiating from her wet hair.

"Good."

"Why good?"

She dropped her arms to her side and greeted him with a flirtatious stare. "Because it's still Father's Day and I haven't given you my gift yet."

"You mean the day you planned wasn't your gift?"

"That was only part of it." Her seductive grin widened as she handed him two wrapped presents. "Open the small one first."

Jed carefully removed the tape from the edge. If there was one thing she hated, it was the meticulous way he would open a present, as if he wanted to save the paper to reuse at another time. He knew how much that frustrated her and every now and then, when a sudden surge of honesty would hit him, he'd admit that was one reason he did it. 

Abbey lifted her knee to the mattress and leaned towards him the way she usually did just before she'd begin intrusively ripping the package open. This time, he purposely kept it out of her reach. But his manipulation faded as he pulled out a mug with an unusual photograph printed on the side. 

"Oh wow." He wasn't sure how to react to the picture of a dozen men dressed in stereotypical pirate attire, complete with a head rag, balloon pants, black riding boots, and an eye patch. "This is..." He struggled to find the right word. "Interesting." That wasn't exactly it.

"Turn it around." 

Across the top of the opposite side he found blue script that read 'King Josiah and Queen Abigail.' That, he understood with a laugh. 

"Okay, I get this one," he assured her, then turned it in his hands for another glance at the photo. "But what about this? Who are they?" 

"You're kidding." No, he really wasn't. He was as confused as he had ever been. "Those are the Ableteers."

Jed looked at the mug. "The Ableteers?" He turned his gaze back to Abbey. "Ableteers?"

"From your story." His glossy glare strengthened in disbelief, so she continued. "You know, Queen Abigail grows up with the Ableteers before she meets King Josiah."

"Abbey, what did you think I meant when I told you about the Ableteers?"

"That was your way of poking fun at my ancestors...Thomas Weathergill, the privateer." His eyes widened as she spoke. Despite his best efforts, a hardy chuckle escaped him. "What? Why are you laughing?

"No, no, no, no, no." He laughed even harder. "Ableteers. Abbey, the Ableteers...they're people. You know, people who grew up in Absville, the fictional name I used for your hometown in Vermont. Ableteers are your childhood friends, your family. Normal, everyday people."

"It reminded me of privateers."

"You thought I was telling you a story about growing up in the caring bosom of pirates?"

"They weren't pirates. They worked for us."

"Abbey, come on. You were picturing all these horrific-looking...whatever...in that charming little story?" He stared at her as a moment of silence passed between them. "What the hell kind of things go on in that mind of yours anyway?"

"Hey!" she snapped, retrieving the mug from his grip. "It was an easy mistake. Ableteers, privateers..."

"You scare me, Hot Pants."

"Jed."

"I mean it. You really scare me. You should be terrified of pirates." He pointed to the cup as she placed it on the nightstand. "This isn't normal."

"All right, fine. You made your point. Now open the other gift before I take it back." As she handed him another present, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her in close.

"All kidding aside, I love the mug," he said with a quick kiss to her lips. "Thank you."

"It's not going to give you nightmares?"

"Nah, it'll roll right off my back."

"Mmm hmm," she replied, unconvinced.

Realizing he had already tried her patience enough for one night, he tore open the wrapping paper on this gift in one rip and pulled the top off the box. He gasped as he looked at the beautiful white leather scrapbook inside. Abbey crawled towards him on the bed, reaching down to pull it out when Jed's hands seemed to freeze around the edge of the package.

"It's gorgeous," he said, referring to the calligraphy on the cover. Red paint strokes spelled out their names - Josiah and Abigail Bartlet. Their wedding picture appeared underneath with the date - July 22, 1967 - below.

"Well? Aren't you going to peek inside?" She locked eyes with him for a second before directing him to flip through the pages.

This was a true surprise. Never had he expected her to gather all these photographs and paste them inside such an exquisite book with fully detailed descriptions outlining every page. The milestones were easy. He was certain she remembered Christmases and birthdays. But it was the other pictures that brought a tear to his eye.

"This is..." he started, pointing to one of those photos.

"No," she interrupted him. "The reason they're all in there is because I remember them. So let me." She pulled the book slightly to get a better look at the page. "That's a picture Lizzie snapped in the car on the way back from Yellowstone."

"Yeah."

"We had just crossed the Wyoming line and she asked why the pavement was red." Jed nodded. "Ellie told her that it was because someone forgot to cover it with sunblock."

He returned her chuckle, cautiously stunned by what she remembered. The most minute details seemed to come to her effortlessly. "I assumed those kinds of memories were gone forever."

"You read the literature. You talked to Susan. She said all the memories could be recovered."

"I know. It's just...I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to be disappointed."

All his hurt of the past several weeks came barging through in those few words. His pained expression nearly broke Abbey's heart. "You won't be." She turned the pages rapidly. "You see all these pictures? Like I said, every single one is in here because I remember it. Everything about it."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't have been able to write the descriptions if I hadn't." She sensed his skepticism. "Go on, point to a picture." 

He flipped towards the back and picked out a random photo. "This one?" 

"That was taken at a ski lodge in Killington." She triumphantly lifted her chin. "I kicked your ass that weekend, as I recall."

His competitive hackles successfully raised, he abandoned the sensitive discussion. "That isn't exactly fair, Abigail. I'm afraid of heights and speed."

"You're the one who suggested the black diamond run. And you know why?"

"Because I wasn't afraid of heights and speed until I got to the top?"

"Because you can't stand to think that you might not be the best at everything." She laughed as his bottom lip quivered speechlessly, a failed attempt to dispute the accusation. 

"It was supposed to be a FUN weekend."

"Oh, it was fun. I had a ball watching you hurl down that mountain at warp speed, your arms flailing wildly, your hands trying desperately to grab a tree."

"I made it to the bottom."

"On your knees, praying to the Heavens." He wasn't nearly as amused. "You're the one who asked about the picture."

"All you had to say was it was taken at the lodge in Killington."

"Sorry," she offered sincerely. "Your phobias are nothing to joke about."

A few weeks ago, he would have given anything for her to remember. Now he wondered how to selectively make her forget. "Yeah. Well, it's not like you're exactly normal."

"Excuse me?"

He turned the page of the book and pointed to another picture. "What's that?"

She snatched it away from him. "Nothing."

"Hey!" He took it back before she could close the cover. "Come on. You put it in the book and you said you remember. What is it? Where was it taken?"

"Fine. I'm not self-conscious about it. It's a picture of you and me, taken at Kate's wedding years ago. Lizzie was the flower girl."

"Aaanndd?" She conveniently avoided the rest of the story. "What happened at that wedding? You were her Matron of Honor, right?"

"You know what happened."

"I do, but I'm not the one overcoming suppressed memories. So what happened?"

He wasn't giving up. That was pretty obvious. "I couldn't help it."

"A spider crawls across the room and your screams damn-near cleared out the church."

"It was big and hairy."

"It was a baby," he countered. "All New England spiders are wussy babies. You want to see real spiders, try California some time." He stopped talking when he looked back down at the picture, overcome by a twinge of guilt.

"What?" she asked, concerned. "Jed?"

Perhaps the banter wasn't appropriate now. Perhaps now his concentration should have been exclusively devoted to the fact that his greatest fear had been washed away by his wife's desire to reclaim their life. After all, that was the real gift. 

"This is just such a wonderful present and here we are teasing each other." His voice broke slightly. "You remember everything?"

"Every single bit. Everything. It’s like I never forgot." She noticed his eyes still glued to the picture. "What is it?"

He shook his head sharply. "Nothing. You just look so beautiful." 

He took a deep breath as he looked to her to take in her present beauty. Her wet hair was slowly drying into auburn ringlets and her naked face shined with a natural glow. She was gorgeous. 

"Thank you." 

He closed the book so his fingers could gloss over the picture on the front. "Tell me about this."

Nostalgia was a wonderful thing. Sentimental emotions were hard to disguise, but thankfully, between husband and wife, there was no need to hide. 

"That's our wedding day, the day we professed our love to each other, the day I told you we were starting our family. I told you I was pregnant right after the ceremony."

"It's the day you made me the luckiest, happiest man in the world," he concluded as he leaned towards her to steal a kiss. "And today, I think you've done it all over again with this. It's not just a book. It's a gift of your love."

Reliving the profound love of the past and the memories that went along with it, was almost worth forgetting them in the first place. Almost.

Abbey embraced another kiss, and then another, Jed's body pushing into hers as each one became more passionate than the last. She fell backwards onto the mattress. Jed braced himself on his hands as their lips never lost contact. She shifted herself to give him access to her neck, his warm breath sending chills up her spine. Her body was reacting to his, moving with the same motion, her hips thrusting up to meet the protruding bulge in his pants.

"Abbey?" He searched her eyes for permission.

"Make love to me, Jed." 

She quickly fingered the buttons of his shirt, almost ripping them from the fabric as she pressed the palms of her hands to his masculine chest and pushed it off his shoulders in one outward stroke. 

He tugged on the belt on her robe. The flaps dropped to the side, revealing her naked, uncovered body. She lifted herself to pull her arms from the sleeves, then bent up at the waist as she worked the zipper on his pants. With a gentle glide down his thighs, she pushed them to his ankles.

His toes went to work, yanking the trousers from his legs and with gentle fingers, he brushed back the wet strands of hair off her forehead with. "Are you sure?" 

They hadn't been intimate since the attack. 

"Yeah," she answered with a nod. "Just don't hold my wrists."

"If I go too far, you'll let me know?" 

She may not have been raped, but she was physically assaulted and held down against her will. The thought that he might do something to provoke the fear she felt that night, gave him pause.

"We have a safe word. I remember that too."

"The second you say it, we'll stop. No questions asked."

He smiled with hesitation as his fingers began to explore her body like never before. There was a certain tenderness, a subtlety neither was used to. His mouth rested against the valley between her breasts, his hands reaching a little further down. 

She moaned softly and arched her back, causing him to stop immediately. 

"Is that okay?"

She was nearly laughing now, touched by his sweet, caring treatment. She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his head to hers. With her leg hooked around his, he allowed his body to fall weightless as she rolled them over. 

She sat on top, straddling his thighs as she leaned forward to probe his mouth. Her body was rubbing against his, the friction becoming unbearable. She lifted herself to find her position then lowered slowly, taking in every exhilarating second as he entered her. She was moving with a certain rhythm now, methodically bringing him to the edge by leaning backwards to the deepest point of penetration. He curled his fingers around the sheets, unwilling to let himself go until she was ready.

Her eyes were wet with anticipation, his with pure bliss. He placed his hands on her hips and rolled them back over, still buried deeply inside her. She rested flat on her back as his fingers found their way to the spot where they were joined. She was ready. He could feel it. But it was too soon. He wanted this moment to last longer. He wanted the payoff to surpass her expectations. 

He withdrew and opened her legs a little wider. Less than a second passed before she felt the wet strokes of his tongue deep in the folds of her sexuality, massaging all the right places of the little nub that would sensually stifle her breath. He held the tops of her thighs as he pressed his head in a little harder, her center fully enveloped in his mouth.

She squirmed uncontrollably. He removed his mouth and plunged himself inside her with renewed vigor. She held his shoulders as her head dipped back into the pillow, pulling her hips higher into the air to meet every one of his stimulating thrusts. Her heels pressed into his flesh, encouraging him to increase the pace. 

He held on to her as she tightened around him, her muscles constricting with pleasure. He pushed in deeper, strengthening his hold as they both teetered at the brink of ecstasy. With one last thrust, she moaned a sound that came from the innermost depths of her soul. His name escaped her lips, followed immediately by his trembling frame collapsing to the side. 

Their bodies entangled, their breaths ragged and wistful, they rested in the comfort of one another. Jed kept his eyes open, staring at the woman beside him. His hands left her head, where he had been lovingly playing with her hair, and followed a trail to her chest. Her heart was beating softly at a normal rhythm. He moved closer to hear the sound. It was the sweetest sound in the whole world. He moved up her sleeping form to give her a delicate kiss on the cheek, then lifted the arm that was draped around him, snaked out from under the leg that covered his, and rolled out of bed.

He reached for his robe, a pack of cigarettes, and a lighter before retreating out the side porch to the old wooden swing that overlooked the moonlit fields. It was a beautiful night. The darkened, cloudless sky twinkled with sparkling stars. Not even a howl of wind or detectable sound of animals in the barn. It was quiet. Ominously quiet.

He was out there mere minutes when he heard Abbey's footsteps approaching.

"Hey," she said.

"You were asleep."

"Yeah. But I felt you leave."

"I'm sorry."

She sat beside him, her eyes focused straight ahead as she reached to the side and took the lit cigarette out of his mouth and crushed it under her feet. Neither flinched. Years of familiarity had taught them both that was an expected move.

He grabbed the pack on the other side and pulled out a fresh one, putting it in his mouth and lighting it almost immediately. That was expected too, but she didn't fight it.

"Having nightmares about those pirates?" She knew how to make him laugh. 

"It's a wonder you're not."

"Why are you out here?" she asked more seriously.

He turned his head to the other side to exhale. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"About us, the girls, the farm." He dropped the burning ember to the ground and stepped on it to extinguish the flame. "I just want you to always be happy. I want you to feel safe. I think we should move to the farm, just like you said."

"We have a year to decide. I mean, it isn't like we can sell the house in a couple of days. Besides, Ellie starts kindergarten in the fall. I'd rather not move her or Lizzie in the middle of the school year."

"Yeah."

She inched herself closer to him. "Maybe next summer?"

"Yeah."

He seemed reluctant. Somber really. "Only if you want to."

He sputtered at the thought. "What I've realized over the past several weeks is that it doesn't matter where we live or how we live or what we do, as long as we're together, Abbey. As long as we're all happy and healthy, I'm perfectly satisfied."

Silence lingered between them for several minutes, until she curled up beside him and rested her head against his chest. "I love you."

He curved himself down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead as his arms formed a protective V around her frame. "I love you too."

 

The End

 

To be continued in Phoenix


End file.
